PMS… What a Bitch!

After dad and I were greeted back to Delaware with a brief down pour of rain, we heated up the remaining pizza from the Sawmill, and a small buffalo chicken cheesesteak for dad and I went for some frozen veggies.

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The last few days, I’ve been wanting all things sweet, salty, and crunchy. Peanut M&M! Pretzel sticks! Semi-sweet morsels! Almond Joy! Butterfinger! Cookie dough! Crunchy ice cream! Chinese food!  Yeah, I was all over it, last night!

Give me Sweet, Salty, Crunchy, Indulgence! NOW!!!!

Last night was it! Yesterday was a fabulous day with dad in seaside! It began with breakfast, which I pre-planned in MyFitnessPal the night before. I also planned on having a bite or so of Sawmill pizza, which I put into my calorie counter. By the time I had gotten home, last night, my calories were enough to allow for dinner and a treat! Time to play it safe.

I microwaved some green beans and broccoli. That just wasn’t cutting it. Ah, some cantaloupe from the farm market should help… Nope. Popcorn! 94% fat free… safe choice, good for chewing, and popping… Still not doing it. Maybe a few semi-sweet morsels… Mmm salty popcorn and chocolate. That’s what I want! I need salty, sweet, crunch! 

I allowed myself a nice treat! I quickly popped a few M&Ms and dialed the Chinese restaurant around the corner. Dad and I split a Hot and Sour soup and an order of shrimp toast. Many people have no clue what shrimp toast is. Essentially, its a shrimp- “imperial” like mixture on a slice of bread that is covered in panko and deep fried. I like to dip mine in the mustard and duck sauce mixed together. Here’s the deal… It’s not exactly in the lowest calories, lowest fat content categories…

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I haven’t had shrimp toast in almost two years. When my eating disorder set in, I swore off all things fried, breaded, and ordered out. I’ve learned that even though I usually have melt downs after tasting any of these foods, its okay to treat yourself. I don’t do it every day… I’m  slowly learning to incorporate treats in my life in a way that is in moderation and good for my mind and body. (I have lots of recipes for shrimp toast so I think I’m going to Bundo-ize this typically unhealthy splurge).

Back to the point of this post… PMS is a bitch. I’m human, and a female, at that. Before I got sick, I was never really a sweets person. I was big because my portions were large and I didn’t exercise. Ever  since recovery, I have loved chocolate! In fact, I was snacking on semi-sweet morsels all night! So…

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Female+Recovery+PMS= Oh crap!

If you’ve ever seen or read The Vagina Monologues, “Angry Vagina” pretty much sums its up…Its a hilarious monologue about all the things women put up with. In general, I highly recommend for everyone to check out the monologues! But as I write up this post, its all I can think about that accurately portrays my feelings.

The cramps, the bloating, the cravings, the mood swings, the fatigue… and its almost uncontrollable! Like a tic! What a bitch!

In fact, yesterday actually started at 330am, for me, as I woke up with cramps. I laid in bed, desperately trying to fall back asleep, curled into the fetal position. No such luck…

As I cracked into my fortune cookie, I thought my fortune was most fitting:

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“Our perception and attitude toward any situation will determine the outcome.”

I don’t look at last night as a failure in my eating or my progress. I look at it as normal. Everyone get the munchies. Everyone has indulgent times. Everyone just needs chocolate sometimes! It happens! Even with my mini-binges the last few days, my calorie count has still been within limits. I allowed myself these treats yesterday, knowing that I am allowed to enjoy a little indulgence. I know it sounds like I’m trying to convince myself of this, and I partly am. It takes 3,500 calories to gain 1 lb. I eat to live, not live to eat. Cooking and eating are passions of mine. How can I let these eating disorders destroy my passions. I am in control.

But, wow, did I really need last night’s munchie-fest. It was good for the mind and it made my body shut up with the cravings. Plus, it made my dad smile to see me really enjoy what I was eating and not stressing about calories! (He actually asked me the calorie count of the shrimp toast! Good job, daddy!)

With all of this rambling and pseudo-inspirational mindset, I am always honest with you. After dad headed to bed and I thought I could trust myself, I began to pop a few semi-sweet morsels. After a bit of this, despite being on the phone with Barry, I knew I was getting out of hand. I was testing my own boundaries. How far could I take this? Why didn’t I tell Barry? Instead, I put on a front to him like everything was fine; Like I was proud that I allowed myself the indulgence. (I kind of was.) Bottom line, I purged. Not all of it, but the shear action, after not doing for weeks, proves I still have a long way to go.

With that said, I am sorry, dad. It was a selfish action and I know it hurts you when I hurt myself.

I just realized that many of my posts have a similar pattern: inspirational and then spiral into a black hole!

Eating disorders are a bitch!

PMS… What a Bitch!

St. Patty’s Day

Happy St. Patty’s Day! I hope you are all having fun with friends and family and staying safe!

Last night was our final show of the Vagina Monologues! It was pretty spectacular and I must say, I’m going to miss it! Even though I will be graduating this year, I am still allowed to be in it. Needless to say, I can not wait till next year!

This year, I was in the monologue “Beat the Girl.” For those of you who don’t know, this scene is an interview with 5 transgender women. Its the story of who they questioned themselves as children, tried to deny it, excepted who they truly were and the reactions of the societies around them. Its a wonderful piece!

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Before I left for the show, I made something that I found online a while back. I could not remember exactly what it entailed so I played it by ear and it was really tasty!

Waffle Bake:

1 frozen waffle, cubed

1/8 to 1/4 cup of blueberries (feel free to experiment with other fruits, I know I will)

1/4 cup liquid egg whites,or 1 egg

cinnamon, to taste

cooked, crumbled bacon (optional)

syrup and butter (optional)

Toss thawed and diced waffle in egg whites and cinnamon. Pour into a ramkin and cover with foil. Bake at 350 F for 20 minutes. Add blueberries and bacon. Recover and bake for another 20 minutes. Remove from the oven, uncover, and top with butter and syrup.

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I forgot the darn bacon,and didn’t need the butter. I topped mine with Walden Farms Blueberry Syrup, which I really like! The picture was taken under absolute horrible lighting and does not do this mini meal justice. I would love to hear what other fruits or alterations you all have for this so comment below!

After the show, and a bunch of hugs, we headed back to my best friends apartment to prep for the after party.

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We spent majority of the night at our friend, Eric’s, house, were I ran into a bunch of old friends. Since I really isolated myself this past summer, it was phemon to see everyone!

The night was spent sipping on some green Skippy*, chatting and dancing. I have learned throughout my college life that alcohol, especially in excess, even on St. Patty’s Day, is not a necessity to have a good time. This is especially true when you have such goofy and fun-loving friends like mine!

*Skippy is a UD specialty… It sounds absolutely terrible, but its quite good. Even my dad likes it! Its beer, citrus vodka, and concentrated frozen lemonade.

Usually, I” make breakfast for everyone in the morning to nurse everyone’s grogginess. Maggie was a head of the game, and bought bagels yesterday, making my job much easier.

Me, on the other hand, I whipped out an Orange Cream OIKOS and ground flax.  I was super happy that I did so well in my eating last night. Typically, I let socializing influence my eating, but last night, I listened to my body.

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Dinner tonight is yet another frozen dinner: Lean Cuisine Roasted Turkey and Vegetables, adding additional green beans, of course.

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In honor of St. Patrick’s Day, I typically splurge on McDonald’s Shamrock Shake. Although its a once a year treat, I still thought I’d share this recipe with you for a Shamrock Swap! This is a Hungry Swap. I have not tried it yet, but at least now I can make a guilt-free Shamrock Shake whenever the urge strikes! If you make this, let us know what you think in the comments below!

Happy St. Patty’s Day!

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Playing Catch Up

This rainy Tuesday morning (3/12) started out with a shake and hot tea. The Black and Muddy recipe calls for chocolate shake mix, coffee syrup, cappuccino mix, peanut butter, and chocolate pudding mix. I dumbed it down this morning:WP_001516

1 Cafe Latte Muscle Milk Light
2 Tbsp ChocolatePB2
1/2 Tbsp sugar free Chocolate pudding mix

I must say, it was very similar to the original and I got my chocolate fix early in the day.
Speaking of chocolate and peanut butter, I also got a fix with a 90 calorie chewy Fiber One bar! Mmmm! Chocolate and Peanut Butter… Is there any better combination?

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I wasn’t quite in the mood for a workout, but not working out all weekend was really starting to  get to my head. I figured this would be  good way to clear my head and prepare for endless studying! However, I feeling rather uninspired. Thank goodness for Courtney, who asked if I wanted to do today’s circuit. I asked if I could share it with you and without further ado…

Courtney’s Total Body Circuit: complete 1 minute of each, following the laps

4 laps around the gym (basketball court)run backwards

plank extensions

heel to the heavens, with exercise ball

360 degree shoulder raise

2 laps runningjumping jacksbicep curls with isometric hold, alternating sides

elbow to high knees

chest flies

 ↓  ↓
3 laps runningside shufflesquat press

mountain climbers

standing incline chest press

fast feet

1 lap running

1 lap walking

 

I’ll tell ya, out of everything in this, I felt the Heels to the Heavens burn the most! Intense! (Definitely use an exercise ball to feel this one!) By the end of this workout, I could could feel the sweat dripping down my nose! It was just what I needed today: something quick and something to burn!

After a much needed shower, I hit the caf to enjoy my dinner, a salad and post workout orange. The tempeh really stole the show on this one! Wowzah! It added so much flavor and texture to the salad!

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After a few hours of learning about traumatic brain injuries, I headed to practice. To hold me over I tried a new yogurt: Fage flip Orange Cinnamon. When I saw it, two things popped in my head a) must add flax, and b) I hope it doesn’t taste like potpourri. I know thats a weird thing to think, but its the first thing to pop in my head.. hello.. orange… cinnamon… fall… potpourri…

Anyway, I rather enjoyed it.

So I’ve been referring to “practice” for the past few weeks now, and I suppose that since this week is the big event, I should come clean…

I am in the Vagina Monologues! I saw them last year and felt so empowered, so invigorated . I needed to be part of this. Today was a dress rehearsal and I can not believe how fantastic it has come together!

PS. My eating was fan-freaking-tastic today! Not too much, not too little! Things are definitely turning around! Yay!

Friday:

Over the next few days, nothing but studying was endured. In fact, I could not make it to dress rehearsal for the Monologues and they almost cut my out of the show! I know, crazy, right.

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Test Day breakfast: Peaches and Cream Oatmeal with flax and a cup of tea

Sometimes in life, you need to make a judgement call. I stand by mine. As much as I love the show, my education comes first! Luckily, God blessed me with both! I passed my exam, and last night was opening night of the Monologues! It was a brutal exam and an excellent show! For the next few nights, I will be in the show! All the money we raise goes to Project Life Line, and organization aiding rape victims and those victim of sexual abuse or assault. It covers a wide variety of problems, and its an amazing feeling to know that I am helping bring awareness to such issues.

during intermission of opening night

during intermission of opening night

Have you ever had to make a judgement call? What was it? Did if have the desired outcome? 

or

What kind of events have you participated in that support projects you are passionate about?

After the show, I went straight to work… talk about dedication! Just kidding! Yay for 7-Eleven and the endless supply of coffee and mixed fruits!

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Since I ate “dinner” Friday morning, it was meat free. I love Amy’s meals for a meat free option! This morning I ate Amy’s Mexican Tamale Bowl. I WP_001545always add a decent amount chili powder and hot sauce to spice it up! I split a veggie omelette with a friend at work and made it like a huevos ranchero with the tamale pie! Genius!

As I came home from work this morning, I could not decided whether to hit the sack or indulge my growling belly. Belly it was and I dug into a big bowl or assorted cereals (Cheerios, Kix and the like) and a fruit salad!

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I have to say though, one of my favorite things I ate this week was called a Crazy Apple. They are apples that have been flavored. I tried out the Pomegranate Grape and couldn’t get enough. It wasn’t an overwhelming overly sweet grape flavor like I was afraid of. I can’t wait to try the Tropical flavor!

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