Hectic Weekend

Saturday

Last night ended with a handful of grapes and a bunch of pretzel sticks with Honey Mustard Dip. I was able to get close to 900 calories in yesterday! It was because I listened intently to my body. I ate when I was hungry, and stopped when I felt full (although I could have ate that whole darn birthday pie, myself). After I reviewed what I ate for the day, I was happy with it. I didn’t eat too much of one thing, and I didn’t eat too little, but that damn number is still hauntingly and dauntingly eating away at me.

I thought about why I could be getting so paranoid. A few things came to mind:

  • Vendemmia (a big wine and food festival coming up)
  • my girlfriend’s wedding
  • Halloween candy
  • Thanksgiving
  • Christmas cookies

I need to be able to take these events like any other person. Just listen to myself. I know this eating disorder is something I will live with the rest of my life, but as long as there are more good days than bad, and supportive people to help get me through them, I can live with it.

Today is National Eat a Hoagie Day. Although it technically wasn’t a hoagie, I made a breakfast sandwich that was pretty tasty of eggs, Canadian bacon, hot sauce and cheddar on toast.

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A little bit later, to hold me over until work, was a bowl of Greek yogurt I i splashed some sugar free pumpkin pie spice syrup into and topped with sunflower seeds for a nutty taste. And it really did the trick!

WP_003916I couldn’t quite wait for dinner but needed something in my belly. My assignment was a bit wacky and out of the ordinary, tonight, so I decided to take advantage of a short break and enjoy a tart granny smith apple. About two hours later, I had my actual dinner.

Dinner tonight was a spinach salad topped with half a Lean Cuisine Greek-style Chicken Salad Creation (minus the croutons).

WP_003917I really liked the cucumber dill dressing that came with it! Ever since I started making dill salads I’ve started to develop a taste for the herb.

I was proud of myself. When I arrived at work, there was a bowl filled with Reese cup miniatures. I went the while shift ignoring them. 7 pm hit like a tornado and I was non stop! . When I finally got to sit down and breath, o decided a salty sweep piece of chocolate was well deserved.

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Sunday

After work, last night, dad wanted me to come over and I was surprised by how hungry I was when I left work. I went to dads house and we stayed up late snacking on veggies and salsa. We even ate half a jar of roasted red peppers! They are so tasty, plain or on a saltine. (Please excuse dad’s pile of mail… its a bachelor pad,,, what do you expect?)I even took a bite of a hoagie, and actual hoagie! It was delicious! I had the calories to spare, and I had a great time!

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The temperature seriously dropped, last night. I know I didn’t need to, but I totally put on the footie pajamas! Yes, I am an adult and adore footie pajamas!! Even my dad says how solidly I sleep when I’m in them. I love this picture dad snapped of me. Red handed with a bell pepper and a jar of salsa in my sock monkey footies! We stayed up, I don’t even know until what time, watching Monk. It used to be our Friday thing before I got sick, so I really enjoyed having that with my dad, again. Its another reminded how important my recovery is.

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The next thing I knew, it was noon, today, and my dad was waking me up. I went back to my mom’s house to grab my medication, and try to keep busy before work. I first made my Key Lime Pie protein smoothie bowl, that I’ve been craving. Instead of the usually flax or crumbled graham topping, I topped it with flax and Fiber One cereal. It was so delicious, especially paired with a coffee. I recently got a new shipment of sugar free syrups flavors and I’ve been trying them out. Today’s first mug of coffee was flavored with Pumpkin Pie Spice SF syrup, and Eggnog SF syrup. Wow!

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I ran out to the oriental market to pick up a few necessities and returned home a bit manic about eating last night at dads. I worked with my best outlet and cooked. Its not really “cooking” but I made my girlfriend a batch of the Sammy San Seaweed Salad.  I can’t wait for her to taste it! I made a final cup of joe for a pick me up before work, flavored with another new flavor, English Toffee SF syrup. I’m glad I went with a second cup of coffee, today, because work had plans to keep me busy.

WP_003923I arrived at work to a birthday cake, which I ignored the entire shift! Not like I would have had time to eat any. I barely had time to chart, let alone eat my dinner. A few animal crackers helped to finish through the night, but I could not believe how busy it was! Weekends at the hospital are usually slow! SSSSSSLLLLLOOOOOWWWWW! Its typically filled with discharges and few admissions, and a lot of coworker banter. This weekend, I was lucky if I could grab a drink or go to the bathroom. Even the nurses were feeling the heat!

I was actually kind of relieved when I had to sit 1:1 at 2030. I was finally able to chart, grab a drink, and just breath.

Bacon Bum

Following my rule, I got back on track at my next meal, meaning yesterday’s breakfast, lunch, and dinner. After the 11pm snack attack, last night, I really felt down. Since I was sitting all night at work, and only came home to eat and sleep, I tried talking to my dad, but I understand that he is tired of my anxiety and body issues. Heck, I’m tired of it! I need to stay focused and not let my emotions get the best of me. Plus, I need to listen to my body, my needs…

I was disappointed when I woke, this morning, because I was hoping to work out some of last night’s crazy at Church. I woke up at 11am since my crazy kept me up for a little while last night. I wanted to start the day right, so I told Nurse Sammy to get out of bed and begin the day with a healthy meal. I know you probably thought yesterday’s breakfast was odd, but this one might freak you out, too.

This morning, in an effort to eat my beets in a way not involving a salad, I chopped the slices, along with some onion, cooked them and threw them in some eggs with spinach, Canadian bacon, and crumbled feta. Half an English muffin added some bulk to breakfast. I guess that’s still pretty similar to a salad… Oh, and a coffee! Coffee was there, too!

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Haha Egg-Beet-ers!! Get it?

I returned to work this afternoon, back in my one to one. I didn’t mind, but that coffee from a few hours before still had not kicked in. Even my pre-work shower couldn’t wake me up! I thought I was going to fall asleep in the shower. Luckily, the bit of caffeine in a Diet Cherry Coke helped keep me up.

With the unit having a one to one, I didn’t know what the night had in store for me, activity-wise. I packed dinner with caution in the form of low cal, low carb. I took the opportunity to try out my new Walden Farms Alfredo sauce, and served it over spinach, Fakin’ Bacon Tempeh, and tofu shirataki macaroni  noodles. I needed to season the sauce with garlic and oregano and parmesean cheese, but dinner turned out very well! I also had an apple sauce and graham crackers to keep me satisfied for the remained of the evening.

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I was incredibly satisfied with dinner and returned to my patient. I always love when I can see a big change in my patients! Their disposition and appetite  had both improved since yesterday! The family seems to be in good spirits as well and we spent much of the shift laughing and exchanging funny stories.

Working 1:1

Most 1:1s that I offer to work are usually all 1:1s for the same reason. I especially like to sit with the pre-teen and teenage girls. I feel like it helps that I am closer to their age than most of the doctors and nurses, and that helps them open up to me. When I work evening or night shifts with 1:1s and I develop a report with the them, I like to leave them inspirational notes to wake up to. For my patient, tonight, I did the same. I ended the letter with a quote that I really like. It always makes me smile and I find myself repeating it:

“You is kind. You is smart. You is important.”

― Kathryn StockettThe Help

 

Backstreets Back

Guess what I did last night… I went to the Backstreet Boys Concert!!! Oh, and guess who opened for them… Jesse McCartney! Yeah…. my childhood on crack! I was screaming like a little girl!

I parked my car at my girlfriend’s work in Philly and a bunch of us car pooled over to the Susquehanna Bank Center, where we ate and rank out faces off in the parking lot, pre concert. I may have been seriously stressed and mildly intoxicated to the point of chowing down on mass quantities of White Cheddar popcorn! It was a day of celebration and I haven’t drank like that in a long time. I called my dad to ease my mind about the calories.

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After heading into the concert and buying my girlfriend a beer we found our seats and sang and swayed the night away! Can I just say that a 20 oz Yuengling was 13 bucks! I could bought a case for that much! Damn concerts arenas jacking up prices.

But a spectacular night! I drank my favorite, cherry vodka and soda, ate a ton of popcorn and had a blast!

Some background: The Backstreet Boys were my very first concert when I was like 6! The “Easter Bunny” got me tickets one year, and my parents captured my excited in a home video, which, to this day, cracks me up every time I watch it. Jesse McCartney was my first big girl concert, as in, the first concert I went to without a parent. So both of these groups help a little place in my heart. I may have also been obsessed with both of these groups at one point in my life.

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All the guys sounded the same! We were screaming the songs and having an all out “white girl, woo girl” night! I was smiling ear to ear!

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Of course, being intoxicated comes with a loss of inhibition and cravings of late night munchies. I indulged and nothing sat well. I ended the night, exhausted and sick in bed. But I woke up feeling great.

Totally worth it!

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WP_003569I began the morning with pizza and eggs. Sounds weird? Think about it… Pizza is the best hangover food and eggs have protein, plus restaurants actually have pizza omelets… Does sound so crazy anymore does it? I popped an Amy’s Cheese Pizza Toaster Pop in the toaster oven and threw some liquid eggs in the microwave. I sprinkled a little garlic powder on everything and went to town! Delicious!

After a glass of chocolate cereal milk, my tummy wasn’t feeling so hot, so I laid down after bringing Barry lunch to work. He, too, had a stomach ache, so I brought him Italian Peasant Soup. Its miracle soup!

I was greeted at work with this:

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In an effort to avoid temptation, I asked if I could sit with the one to one on the unit. Around 630, it was time for alight dinner of miso soup, steamed broccoli slaw and saltines. What I did not foresee was how that damn pizza taunted me. I ate half a slice, which added about 120 calories to my meal. I wasn’t too upset.

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Surprisingly, what gave me some anxiety was a packet of graham crackers and tablespoon of PB. What’s up with that? I make no sense. I opted to stay in my one to one for the rest of my shift, so snacking would not be an option.

The first half of my shift was very slow, and the second half was rather cold, despite drinking 3 cups of  hot decaf tea.

When 10pm hit, I hit a wall and was so ready for bed. I arrived home a little after 11pm and was hit with a second wind… of hunger. Damn it! I go through this every time I work evening shift, and I have, yet, to find a way to rid of this. I wound up snacking on Ritz crackers and pretzel sticks with some Honey Mustard sauce, but by the time I realized my fill and my fatigue began to creep back in, I had eaten 10 crackers and a serving of pretzels. That basically a whole meals worth of calories. I absolutely despise the 11pm snack attack! It only adds to my anxiety, I think tonight’s snack attack also had something to do with my anxiety and waiting for the results of yesterday’s exam. I yelling at myself and have a heavy chest since I realized how much I ate.

Beef Stew: Crock Pot Recipe #6

I got everything ready for tonight’s crock pot dinner, then left mi casa. Breakfast was on-the-go this morning as I was on my way to the hospital to gather information on some patients for clinical this week. I stopped by 7-Eleven a grabbed a small coffee, with a shot of sugar free hazelnut syrup, and a protein bar. It was definitely filling, with just the right amount of toffee and chocolate.

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Toffee Chocolate Chip Harvest Power Bar

This week, my instructor chose me to be Clinical Manager. This is kind of my opportunity to take the management roll of Charge Nurse. I assigned two patients to each of my two classmates.

In the hallway, there was an older couple holding hands. I overheard one of the nurses asking how long these two patients had been married… 76 years! WOW! And still so in love! This gives me so much hope that marriages can last! It was a beautiful sight.

After I got home, I completed Day 2 of my Couch to 5K challenge. 3.3 miles feels great! It is so needed for this girls mental health!

My mom’s beef stew is pretty Plain Jane, but always a stick to ribs mouthful of yummy!

After making it with her for the past 20 years, I wanted to see if I could add a Sammy flare.

Typically, mom uses a whole bag of potatoes. I wanted to cut down on the white starchy carbs, so I substitute a few baby red potatoes and some cuber butternut squash. I don’t see why sweet potato wouldn’t work, as well. I like my stews full of veggies so theres a lot of carrots.

There are very few ingredients to my mom’s recipe, but it makes for a winner.

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(serves 5)

1 lb london broil, fat trimmed, cubed

4 large carrot sticks, cut into discs

4-5 baby red potatoes, washed, roughly peeled, cut into fours

1/2 to 1 cup butternut squash, cubed (found in produce department)

2 cloves garlic, minced

black pepper, to taste

1 (28oz) jar fat free beef gravy

1/4 cup powdered brown gravy mix

2 1/2 cup water

Spray a skillet with nonstick cooking spray and toss in cubed meat for a quick sear. Remove meat and set aside. In the same skillet, empty gravy in skillet and whisk in the dry gravy mix. Fill the jar with the water, swirl and empty into skillet. Simmer until power is dissolved. Pour into crock pot.

Spray skillet again and add the potato wedges and squash cubes. Brown the outsides, especially the squash since this will dissolve easily in the stew.

Add all the ingredients into the crock pot, give it a light stir, cover, and cook on low.

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Nutrition: (1/5 of recipe)

Calories: 253

Total Fat: 8.5g

Sat. Fat: 2g

Cholesterol: 60.4mg

Carbs: 18.6g

Fiber: 1.5g

Sugar: 3.4g

Protein: 22.9g

         

Mom makes Bisquick dumplings to serve on top, which makes this even heartier. I just topped mine with some gold fish crackers. The expert, my mama’s, review? “Excellent!” Woo hoo!

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I spent my Sunday night watching lectures. During one of my study breaks, I completed Julie’s Super Sweaty Ab Workout. This must have done me in because for the rest of the night I had the munchies. Nothing seemed to do the trick. Even drinking water wasn’t helping. I took out some celery sticks, as a debated packing them for lunch tomorrow, and it hit me. Celery and PB, the perfect crunchy snack! Why didn’t think of it before?! Its elementary! No, really… it used to eat this all the time in elementary school…

I feel so silly that I did all that snacking only to remember the best snack of all!

I have an incredibly busy day tomorrow, so hopefully I burn off some off some of this snack attack.

Good Night!

Never Give Up, Never Surrender

Last night, I was totally in the zone watching my lectures. I got a phone call, and God help me, I could NOT get back down to business. One of my major downfalls is that I’m a snacker, and a serious one, at that! I snack because I’m bored, but most of the time, I snack because I have nervous energy and chewing helps me to feel like I’m doing something with it. (This is why I chew sooooo much gum!) Well, I went to munchie town last night! I think I ate or nibbled anything I could get my hands on. I suddenly realized, “Hey, I’m fully binging! Stop it! You’re not hungry.” I stopped and took a couple deep breaths.

In the past, this is the time I would have reached for the tooth brush. In fact, I did grab the tooth brush last night. I paused. This is NOT you any more.

A good friend of mine gave me a little mantra that helps keep me going and focused : “An eating disorder can  not live without us, but only can we truly live without an eat disorder.”
I also have a friend that I met through OA (overeaters anonymous) that I can call and vent to. Find a great friend who will stand by your side, a good listener.

I know I went overboard and that is the first step: Recognizing and taking responsibility for your actions. It was so easy for me to blame my dad for the binge. Hes the one that called me. Hes the one that made me lose focus. But NO! He did not tell me to eat what I ate. He did not force me to do anything. Those where my choices.
The next step is to breath and channel. I am so quick to curl up in a ball, cry hysterically, and hate myself. What is that going to solve? Nothing! All of that anger, I channel into production. In these cases, exercising is my outlet. I especially enjoy kickboxing because it allows me to relieve the aggression I feel. Even though I know I have lectures and work to do, I know that working out is my priority at that moment because if I don’t, I know my work will not get done and I will not be focused.
Lastly, plan. For the next few days, eat a little lighter and work out a little harder and longer. Schedule times to workout, take the stairs, take the dog for a walk… Plan your meals with a diary or tracker, as well. My advice is to choose high protein, high fiber foods to keep you feeling satisfied. Also plan your days to keep busy. If you work at a desk, or sit majority of your day, plan to move around every so often to get some blood moving and your heart pumping. In my case, I have a lot of lectures to watch, so every 45 minutes or so, I do a 10 minute cardio or circuit workout to clear my head and keep me feeling good.

There are days, like earlier in the week, when I can’t shake that funky feeling. I keep mantras  around the house, on my notebooks and cell phone, to remind me to keep my head up. I scattered a few I really like throughout today’s post.

Self pity won’t get me anywhere. Pride, on the other hand, like the pride I felt this week after days of excellent eating habits, kept me going. The more I think about it, without some mess ups, I can’t experience that immense pride I feel in myself when I go days doing the right things. Cue the cliche: “Whats done is done.”

Like the picture above, I can always start again. Never give up on yourself. You’re worth more than that.