Cleaning Out My Addiction

I was able to squeeze in about 4 hour of sleep before being woken up by some family quarreling outside my bedroom door. I was pretty nervous that this shift was going to be a long one. I wasn’t sure what today would have in store for me either. If you recall, the last night shift I worked went great and went to hell when I got home.

Some days coffee really hits the spot. Before heading off for night shift last night, I brewed a mug of Chocolate Cherry coffee and added a splash of sugar free Kahlua flavored syrup. Delicious!

I arrived at work to find that I was, again, on a 1:1. Okay, this is looking a lot like last Friday night…

After reading a few chapters of a book I brought, it was lunch time. A nice filling helping of Bundo Broccoli Salad, with slices of apples and cucumbers and PB on the side. I was very full at the end of this meal and prayed that this recognition of fullness would last for the remainder of my shift. And it did! It was a water-filled, fiberful meal!

WP_003866

I was freezing upon returning to my 1:1 and was so thankful for the hot green tea I had just brewed! I’ve noticed a mildly sore throat the WP_003867last two days, and I’m positive its from the Fall allergies and crazy weather fluctuations. I’ve been trying to stay proactive in the fight buy drinking hot green tea. I managed to get a few chapter read, however, and finalize a project I’ve been working on.

I had a sense that today, too, would be a long one. After getting done work at 7am, I wanted to attend a forum at 730, since it had to do with a large number of my patient population on my unit. My plan was to go home afterwards and whip up a shake.

WP_003869I have been wanting to make a Key Lime smoothie for a while now, but I wasn’t about to pass up National Chocolate Milkshake Day! On my way out of my meeting, I saw someone had brought in a huge bag of Halloween candy… Snickers of all things! I was so proud of myself for ignoring it, but when I arrived home, I attempted a Snickers shake for breakfast. It definitely did not taste like a snickers, but it was very filling and I went with it. In fact, I came back to finish it while working on dad’s birthday surprise. I wound up adding it my mug a coffee to create a mocha latte of sorts. Frank had requested a Pina Colada shake, and I have to say, it was one of the best I’ve made. But, alas, it still was NOT bedtime! It was bake time. For the past few weeks, I’ve been working on a recipe for dad’s birthday. Today was the day I finally got to put my creative juice into fruition. I was praying for success and thats what I got! Thank you, God! The house smelled heavenly an I got to use one of my favorite fall ingredient!

WP_003870Around 1pm, I snacked on some dry cereal and sparkling water. Something did not sit right and I actually got sick! I’m always keeping it interesting, aren’t I?

Since I had time at work, I decide to go through my phone. I had so many  favorites that I had created when I was in the height of my illness. I went through, deleting so many things. Why did I save that? I’m never going to cook that. Oh that sound good! I did the same thing when I got home and began weeding through my recipe binders, throwing out useless recipes and things I knew would never be made. I was hoping this might help refocus some of my attention and inspire some healthy meals to come.

I’m a Nurse, but what do I know?

I a so tired of having an upset stomach! I left work early last night around 3am. When I arrive home I snacked on bread and pretzel sticks in the hopes of absorbing any acid that could be irritating my stomach. For the past few days, saltines and diet ginger ale have been m best friends. But its just unnatural for this to be a diet for 3 days straight.

WP_002679

I curled in bed and had the hardest time falling asleep. I finally fell asleep in the fetal position, with my behind up in the air and my face in the pillow, around 5:15am, I believe. I slept until about 9am and enjoyed a small fuji apple. In fact, the apple hit the spot so well I ate another for dessert later in the night. After my apple, I whipped up a bunch of shakes! For Frank and James, a filling Banana and Nutella shake for their fishing trip; for dad, a Cherry Cheesecake Shake for is drive to work!

WP_002674WP_002676 WP_002675

I walked down to the Dunkin Donuts for Customer Appreciation Day, and got a free medium iced coffee. It was just what I needed to start the sunny day! With a little caffeine and an apple in my belly, I was motivated to start my day! I went for about a 3mile walk to the store to pick up a few items. On the shopping list was PopTarts. I never buy PopTarts, but a little birdie, named Barry, told me about the new ones filled with peanut butter. Did you really think I could resist this?

WP_002652

They were great! My one problem with PopTarts, not just this particular flavor, but all of them: the CALORIES! 200 calories per pastry. Hello! There are two pastries per pack! Do think people only eat one? PopTarts are delicious! Come on! Nonetheless, both of the Chocolate Peanut Butter PopTarts found their way into my stomach throughout the day.

To off set the sugars, I snagged the last BBQ chicken thigh left over from the guys dinner last night, shredded it up, and tossed it with roasted bell peppers and cauliflower.

WP_002678

Midway through the day, the stomach aches started back up. Before I knew it, I was back to the saltines. In the last two days, I’ve eaten two sleeves of saltines! Oh yeah, then I got sick. Yay. :/

After lying on the couch for a little bit, a craving hit me that I had last night: a calzone, panzarotti, or stromboli. I just wanted something related to pizza, but not pizza. I think its because everyone on Facebook keeps talking about the Festa (the Italian Festival) around the corner from my house. I mentioned it to Frank, and a small ham and spinach calzone arrived about 45minutes later. We split it four ways, and my stomach felt mysteriously better.

WP_002680

Wait a second…. saltine and ginger ale = stomach ache. Cheese, ham, dough, and grease= feel better?

Hmmm…. Interesting… I’m a nurse, but what do I know???

A Small Feat

It never ceases to amaze me the difference a run can make. Ever a brisk walk changes my entire attitude! Yesterday, I was so proud of myself with my eating habits, but started to get a serious stomach ache around 3pm. What the heck? Is that what I get for eating right? A belly ache?! I was able to fall asleep for a short nap, only to wake up, getting sick! Yuck! What a party pooper!

I wanted to eat but every time I nibbled on something, my body just told me “no.” Maybe some ginger ale, I thought. I got myself together and took a walk down to the 7-Eleven. I figured moving around might just help. On my way home, with a diet ginger ale in hand, I figured it out. Soup! That’s what I want. I called the Chinese restaurant down the road and walked over to pick up a small Hot and Sour Soup. Was this smart? Hot and sour with an upset belly? I guess I’ll find out. I sat down with my soup and a sleeve of saltines. It worked like magic! But, before I knew it, the sleeve of saltines was no more! Yeah, the whole sleeve! But I sure felt better!

WP_002640

I called my dad before heading to sleep last night to ease some mild anxiety I was having after eating the darn saltines. When I woke this morning, I had every intention of being productive. We are supposed to be expecting some big storm this week, but the weather was gorgeous! Still feeling a little guilt, I got changed, and took a swift walk to the local post office to ship a small package to Meaghen, in New York. On my way home, I stopped by the bank. It was game time. With nothing to carry, the sun out, and a cool breeze, I ran home. Although it may seem small, I ran a mile without stopping! For me, this is quite an accomplishment. With each step closer to home, my smile grew! Like I said, it just never ceases to amaze my what a difference even the shortest run can make!

After catching my breath, I made a Strawberry Kiwi Protein Shake.WP_002641 WP_002642

1 scoop Vanilla protein powder
1 kiwi
1 oz frozen strawberries
water
ice

I loved the texture the kiwi seeds gave the shake. (Warning: kiwi seeds can get stuck in your teeth :p)

I followed this up by completing some chores around the house and some paper work for my nursing license.

I called work to offer my time in any spaces in the schedule. Well, guess what? One of the girls called out sick, so I picked up a 12 hours shift! Immediate nap time!

I woke up ready to go! Since June 12th in National Peanut Butter Cookie day, I wanted to make something along those lines. This was my attempt at a PB Cookie-esque Shake:WP_002643

1 scoop Chocolate protein powder
1 Tbsp. Better n’ Peanut Butter (low sodium)
1 oz frozen chopped apple
a few dashes apple pie spice
a few raisins

It wasn’t too shabby! Once I got to work, a saw a slice of strawberry shortcake, that had definitely been picked on by the girls. But they missed the best part: the strawberry on top! YUM!

I found a big salad from a party from earlier left over for the night shift folks to eat. It was Season’s Chopped Salad with grilled chicken (iceberg, gorganzola, bacon, tomato, black olives, green peppers, hard boiled eggs), one of my favorites! My old job was addicted to Seasons and I ate this salad at least twice a week! So with a nice helping of that with the house balsamic, and a bowl of broccoli slaw, salsa, and microwaved egg whites, I was full of nutritionally dense, guilt free protein!

WP_002644 WP_002645

Like I said, a nice run, even a brief one can really set your day up for success!

Belly Aches

Have you ever given yourself a stomach ache?

Last night was so much fun reuniting with some of my friends. We went out for Indian food and then headed to the bar. I am not a big drinker, but since im on vacation and with my girlfriends, I figured ‘What the heck?’

We went to Billy Berks Cocktail Bar. Kristin ordered an X-Rated Martini, while I went with a Mango Mojito. YUM!

WP_001954                             WP_001955

Then Kristin talked me into what’s called a Chocolate Cake Shot. I’ve never had this before, but it really did taste like chocolate!

WP_001956

We continued some shenanigans and when I woke up this morning, I began to feel some anxiety about I’ll of the calories I took in last night.

I met up with some friends for breakfast at the hotel buffet, then walked with my advisor to Bijan Bakery. I grabbed a few cookies to try and ate two delicious chocolate cookies filled with chopped nits. On my walk back to hotel, I began to feel even more stressed about the calories, that by the time I reached the hotel, I worked up quite a stomach ache. So much so, I got sick.

My dad keeps reminding me that I am on vacation and shouldn’t stress about a few days of splurging. During this trip, I have done very well with choosing healthy options for my meals.

I don’t typically drink because I feel like I’m wasting calories, and I feel like my splurging is catching up.

It takes 3500 calories to gain a pound. It take me 300 calories over my typically daily allotment to have an anxiety attack. Sad, isn’t it?

After getting sick, I decided that I couldn’t let this rule my day. I called my parents to talk things through, to settle me down, and look forward to the rest of the day.

The convention, for me, today, began with the 4th General Session, consisting of a C4 speech and International Officer candidate speeches. C4 stands for Community College Completion Corp working toward encouraging all college student complete their degrees! Edit the past few years, this has been a major platform for Phi Theta Kappa, and Dr. Rod Risley, the Executive Director, the big cheese of headquarters delivers a speech. This year he had a great speech about engaging faculty and staff in the effort as well as students.

OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERA

“Be the change you wish to see to see in the world,” says Gandhi.  We are all committed to complete our degree, help others complete their degrees, and to continue to make PTK even better!

Following some recognitions  were the candidate speeches. This was difficult because two of my friends from my region are running for Division I International Vice President.

I met up with my girlfriends after this, at their hotel and utilized the hot tub! Following this, I went to the gym in my hotel. I was tired and still nursing my stomach ache, but I wanted to feel like I had done something, anything.

 

But I Want Pancakes!

“Pancakes! Pancakes! Pancakes!” My stomach has been chanting this all week long! I had every intention of a Sunday Pancake breakfast. My tummy had other plans. After work last night, I ate a slice of pizza. I do not think this settled well with me, as I woke up at 6 am feeling nauseous.

After dragging myself out of bed this morning, I made some lemon ginger tea. ( Ginger is good for the stomach, ya know). I had even a hard time swallowing that. I blame myself for this one… I really shouldn’t have eaten something like that before heading to bed.

WP_001642

I left to go to the hospital to get information on my patients for clinical this week. By the time I left the hospital, I started to feel like I was ready to get something in my stomach. I took it easy with a toasted slice of Sara Lee Blueberry Crumble Bread and some PB2, alone with a bit of a Jazz apple. Have you ever heard of a Jazz apple. It reminded me of a Gala Apple, but with a bit more crunch. My absolute favorite apples, though, are Fuji and Honey Crisp!

After a day of snacking on bread, my stomach started feeling a bit better. I made the dinner I had planned for tonight with the hopes it would settle well. Dinner was in the breakfast form of an egg white omelet stuffed with avocado, red bell pepper, onion, tomato, and shredded fat free cheddar. This was super yummy and I ate it with half a banana with the intent to fill myself with some nutrients. This picture does not look very attractive but its good! When I visited Meaghen in NYC, I stopped by a cafe and the woman in front of me ordered this in a burrito. I got the same and did not regret it!

WP_001643

Things were feeling good, but as the night progressed, the stomach aches got worse. Theres been a bug going around these parts, and I’m convinced it was a combo of that and the pizza, that my body is not accustomed to eating. My parents are funny.. they started having sympathy pains for me! I’m praying for a recovery for clinical in the morning.

When It Rains, It Pours

No, really… Its pouring outside…

Even though I went to sleep around 8pm last night, I woke up feeling really uncomfortable and immediately got sick. I decided I was to tough it out, since I did no want to miss any clinical. While at clinical, I got sick and got really flush and the nurse sent me home. I was so disappointed because this nurse was going to have me administer medications and respiratory treatments!

I headed home and crashed for a few hours. When I woke up, I still felt gross. I finally smacked on some apple that i had packed for lunch to see how that felt. The remainder of the day was mostly carby foods. They just made me feel better… Like crackers, bread, and popcorn.

And once again, no gym for Sammy! Grrrr! I have class in the morning so I hope I can get to the gym after class.

Tomorrow will be another weird scheduled day…

Just like last Saturday, I will be working a 12 but this time, on night shift…
I’m hoping to get some reading done for school…

Tonight, I also decided on what crock pot meals I will be making this weekend to close up the crock pot challenge! I’m so excited!

Falling Off My Rocker

WP_001078

yummy oats

Today started off great. I woke up, did a quick workout, made a bowl of sugar free apple cinnamon oatmeal with some sliced apple and headed off to meet the girls to study.

 

WP_001080

weapon of choice

I popped my secret weapon right before the exam…

…and everything was good. I got a B, by the way.)

Then I met up with dad for lunch at Wendy’s and enjoyed a big bowl of chili, and things went down hill. After lunch, I went to my car and downed everything in it.

Whats wrong with me! Why can’t I get a handle on this thing. I tried calling some of my sponsors for help and I couldn’t get reception. Is this a sick joke?! The universe wants me to be unstable and huge!? I mean, literally, in 25 minutes, I inhaled 1200 calories!

And the worst part? I feel nothing. I don’t feel full, I don’t feel sick. All I feel is disgust and shame.

How can I continue to do this to myself? To my body? To my mind? Its just not fair!

I’m so angry! I’m so frustrated. I’m furious and confused! I feel helpless and hopeless!

Over and over! I know better! I feel myself spiraling back into depression. It took so much to get me out of it before. So much that it cause me to have an eating disorder.

Now I’m on the opposite spectrum. Overeating.

It was so easy to be anorexic. I just did not eat. Why is it so hard for me to do that again? Just stop, Sammy!

To make matters worse, I was surround by this for a few hours:

amazing buttercream

amazing buttercream

WP_001083

dogs n pretzels

WP_001084

sweets n treats

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

In order to pay for International Convention, we have been hosting the concession stand at the basketball games. I ate a delicious cupcake and brownie! Afterwards, I felt terrible. Not because the food was bad, but because I had already eaten so much!

I should not be beating myself up, but when you see your body changing (some say for the better, I say for the worse), and you feel completely out of control about it… like theres no escape, like theres nothing I can do…

I think what aggravates me the most, and yes, I sound like a broken record, is that I KNOW I can do this! Obviously, I have the will power to do it, because I was anorexic for a year. I just don’t understand why I’m having so much trouble now.

I can go so long, and not eat. But as soon as I take one bite of anything, anytime during the day, a compulsion takes over me. I guess thats why they call it Obsessive Compulsive Disorder.

Every day I start out doing great! 2pm rolls around and its like I’m a mess. I’ve been try really hard to listen to body’s cues of feeling hungry or full. According to my girlfriend, Katie, this is a natural thing she went through also. Its a matter of retraining your body.

Its harder than working out, let me tell you!

I tried to embrace the rest of the day and after the concession stand, I went to my friend 22nd birthday party. I don’t really drink, but it was still nice to finally see , friends that I had isolated myself from the entire  time I was anorexic. It was the first night anyone had seen me in almost a year. I ate a slice of pizza from Little Caesars (a delicious tradition).

reunited

reunited

WP_001088

pouring them out

happy birthday brooke!

happy birthday brooke!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

On the way home, I got the midnight munchies. I decided, rather than tell myself NO, just chose smarter. I bought a container of cantaloupe from the 7-Eleven, and it really hit the spot. I had a few chunks with some cottage cheese once I got home.

smart choices

smart choices

I’m thankful I was able to turn my night around.

I look forward to my new start in the morning. Thanks for being there for me! (and remember, I’m here for you, too)