This is the first post of the new year. Be warned, its a serious one…
Last Sunday was a dark day. I began writing letters to loved ones, making requests, asked for all Christmas presents to be returned and given to those less fortunate…
I was sprawled on my bed, blood dripping from my thigh and arms, bargaining with God to take me to him. You are friends, my confidants, and therefore, I will not and cannot lie to you. I have relapsed. After a series of unfortunate events in my life, I spiraled back into a deep depression. My binging returned, so naturally, the purging did, as well. And while I was at it, so did the cutting. I’ve watched my body gain weight, and no matter how much I thought about working out, or thought about the foods I was eating, nothing gave me the motivation to do anything about it. The feeling of failure from a relapse is unbearable. I didn’t want myself to have a 2015. I didn’t want to have to continue living with this cycle…
I woke up from a sound sleep at 3am and suddenly, these lyrics just started running through my head. I couldn’t fall back asleep until I wrote it all down. Now, I’m hiding in a Starbucks, sharing this with you (instead of doing the work I should be doing), hiding from the world, before I need to get to work.
In God All Things Are Possible
By Sammy Bundo
From sound asleep, I awaken
Frantic, Nervous, shaken,
My mind racing a mile a minute
Pumping the brakes, but its in it to in it.
Memories of my past mistakes flashing before my eyes
How did I? I could I? How will I survive?
Trembling, ashamed, wanting to cry
This mind fuck is a game, wishing I would die.
Take me home, Heavenly Father
I beg of you, please
I’m down here, screaming, crying
Pleading on my knees
Swallow another handful to numb myself
Oh God, I’m begging you for your help
This blood I bleed
These scars I see
This pain I feel
Shits getting too real
Hearts racing, hearts pounding
All these thoughts, taunting, resounding
Grit my teeth, fists getting tighter
Look out world, I’m a fighter
The good I’ve done
The lives I’ve touched
It must outweigh
This hatred of self
I am my enemy
Christ, you are my Savior
With your many blessing, Oh Lord
My faith should never waiver
I did it once,
I can do it twice
Can’t hold me down
I’m still alive
Dear Disease,
You don’t make me
I make me
And your foolish games
Can only strengthen me
The marks on my body
I wear them with pride
They’re not a sign of weakness
They’re proof I survived
That I thrive
That I strive
To carry on
Head held high
Watching my world around me crumble
You reached out, Lord, grabbed my hand
Pulled me from the rubble
You’re my rock, my hope
The light of my tunnel
The strength getting me through this struggle.
*Copyright in process
I made this collage of things that make me smile, in hopes it will keep giving me inspiration to carry on and stay focused.