In God All Things Are Possible

This is the first post of the new year. Be warned, its a serious one…

Last Sunday was a dark day. I began writing letters to loved ones, making requests, asked for all Christmas presents to be returned and given to those less fortunate…

I was sprawled on my bed, blood dripping from my thigh and arms, bargaining with God to take me to him. You are friends, my confidants, and therefore, I will not and cannot lie to you. I have relapsed. After a series of unfortunate events in my life, I spiraled back into a deep depression. My binging returned, so naturally, the purging did, as well. And while I was at it, so did the cutting. I’ve watched my body gain weight, and no matter how much I thought about working out, or thought about the foods I was eating, nothing gave me the motivation to do anything about it. The feeling of failure from a relapse is unbearable. I didn’t want myself to have a 2015. I didn’t want to have to continue living with this cycle…

I woke up from a sound sleep at 3am and suddenly, these lyrics just started running through my head. I couldn’t fall back asleep until I wrote it all down. Now, I’m hiding in a Starbucks, sharing this with you (instead of doing the work I should be doing), hiding from the world, before I need to get to work.

By Sammy Bundo

From sound asleep, I awaken

Frantic, Nervous, shaken,

My mind racing a mile a minute

Pumping the brakes, but its in it to in it.

 

Memories of my past mistakes flashing before my eyes

How did I? I could I? How will I survive?

Trembling, ashamed, wanting to cry

This mind fuck is a game, wishing I would die.

 

Take me home, Heavenly Father

I beg of you, please

I’m down here, screaming, crying

Pleading on my knees

 

Swallow another handful to numb myself

Oh God, I’m begging you for your help

This blood I bleed

These scars I see

This pain I feel

Shits getting too real

 

Hearts racing, hearts pounding

All these thoughts, taunting, resounding

Grit my teeth, fists getting tighter

Look out world, I’m a fighter

 

The good I’ve done

The lives I’ve touched

It must outweigh

This hatred of self

 

I am my enemy

Christ, you are my Savior

With your many blessing, Oh Lord

My faith should never waiver

 

I did it once,

I can do it twice

Can’t hold me down

I’m still alive

 

Dear Disease,

You don’t make me

I make me

And your foolish games

Can only strengthen me

 

The marks on my body

I wear them with pride

They’re not a sign of weakness

They’re proof I survived

That I thrive

That I strive

To carry on

Head held high

 

Watching my world around me crumble

You reached out, Lord, grabbed my hand

Pulled me from the rubble

You’re my rock, my hope

The light of my tunnel

The strength getting me through this struggle.

*Copyright in process

I made this collage of things that make me smile, in hopes it will keep giving me inspiration to carry on and stay focused.

I’d Rather Go Green than Be Blue

After a wonderful birthday party, last night, Barry and I came home. While he mowed the lawn, I unloaded some bags and really got in the mood for something. I’ve said it before… Trail mix can be mighty dangerous! I grabbed a handful of mix and a  big spoonful of Edy’s slow Churned to satisfy this sweet crunch tooth. Unfortunately, I kept nibbling on the trail mix (I love the nuts and raisins so much). It wasn’t like a binge, and it wasn’t like a I couldn’t use calories. If it weren’t for the trail mix I would not have gone over 600 calories, today. This did not stop my guilt and after walking outside to vent to Barry, I went to the bathroom for a small purge. Stupid, I know, and unnecessary.

After and interesting attempt at making some not very attractive, homemade Blueberry PopTarts (I’m sure we’ll get it next time! ), and splitting a banana, Barry and I headed back off to bed, as we both have night shift tonight.

It was a pretty scatter-brained afternoon for me. I forgot my phone at Barry’s and, of course, when I got back to the house, I couldn’t remember the security code, so the alarm went off! On my way home, I began an anxiety attack. I arrived home just in time for Frank to help talk me down. “I can’t eat! I can’t eat!” I kept yelling between hyperventilations.

I did what I do best and cooked. Well, its not so much cooking, as assembling, and playing with measurements, but however you look at it, I made a pretty mean broccoli salad.

Bundo Broccoli Salad

makes 4 large servings

• 2 boxes 45 calorie raisins, by SunMaid (or 90 calories of raisins)
• 1/2 cup onion, chopped
• 2 Tbsp fat free shredded cheddar cheese
• 1/4 cup OIKOs plain nonfat Greek yogurt
• 1/4 cup Hellmans light mayo
• 2 to 2 1/2 Tbsp apple cider vinegar
• 1/4 tsp black pepper, more to taste
• 1 packet Splenda
• 2 Tbsp roasted, unsalted sunflower seeds
• 2 Tbsp real bacon crumbles, like Oscar Mayer
• 12 oz bag fresh brocolli florets
• 1.5 oz broccoli slaw

Chop raisins, shredded cheddar, and onions. Combine with yogurt, mayo, Splenda, vinegar, pepper, sunflower seeds, and bacon. Pour over top broccoli and slaw and thoroughly mix.  Add pepper to taste, cover and refrigerate until ready to serve.

Nutrition:

Calories: 148, Fat: 6.7g, Sat. Fat: 0.3g, Cholesterol: 4.1mg, Sodium: 282mg, Carbs: 14.8g, Fiber: 3.6g, Sugar: 9g, Protein: 8.1g

After a quick taste test, my nerves were calmed a bit and made the decision that I needed to eat. I whipped up a Sam-Rock Shake, for something low-cal and filling. Its going to be a rather green night, but I’d rather go green with health than blue with depression. To top off the night, I spilled a mug of hot tea on myself. Just great!

Before leaving work and before my mom’s boyfriend, if that what you’d call him, came over, I told her we needed to talk! She’s been acting like nothing ever happend. You know we’re not okay, right? She has been trying to make plans with me, but I’m just waiting for her to back out at the last minute. Don’t think because we spend a few hours together tomorrow that nothing happened this week. She kept responding with “I know… I understand…” No! You don’t understand! You have never had to experience with your mother what I have with you, It hurts and its NOT okay!

We ended the conversation on a good note and I pray it didn’t just go in one ear and out of the other. We supposedly have plans for tomorrow…

Raspberries On The Mind

Saturday (8/31)

Just as I began to think the stress if the night had died down, it flared back up. Mom blew me off twice in one night and then made the excuse that it was because of my eating disorder that she didn’t spend time with me. Calling my dad for some moral support wasn’t mush help either and he too got on me about it. By this point, I was hurt, frustrated, confused, tired, and crying. “Everyone is tired of it,” both my parents yelled. Don’t you think I am, too?! Thank, God, for Frank who came in my room as I cried. He calmed me down, and after a while, I finally fell asleep.

I began the morning with a White Chocolate Raspberry Shake! It was a beautiful shade of pink until I added a handful of spinach. Then, it looked like a big grey blob.

• 1-2 scoops vanilla protein
• 1/2 cup fresh raspberries
• 1 Tbsp sugar free, fat free White Chocolate pudding mix
• water
• ice
• handful of spinach (optional)
• 1/4 tsp xanthum (optional)
• extra splash of sugar free raspberry syrup or sugar free raspberry jello mix, for extra flavor (optional)

Frank started the day off with a shake, as well. Still drained from last night, and my dinner for work prepared, I went to take a brief nap. I’m not sure if I actually fell asleep, but I felt better when I woke up.

I made myself a mug of coffee and a snack before heading off to work. The snack really held off my hunger at work. My shift was great, actually! I discovered something that the nurses before me did not find! I felt so empowered! Nurse Sammy! Saving Lives! One of the night shift nurses who took over commended me on finding it!

I sat down around 7pm for a simple dinner. Before leaving for work I had drained a bag of shirataki noodles and cooked a frozen Green Giant box, the digestive health one with yellow carrots, beans, and spinach in a garlic herb sauce. I divided both the box and noodles into two containers for tonight’s dinner and tomorrows. I was a bit bummed that the beans had absorbed so much of the sauce by the time I ate. Luckily, the shift before me ordered hoagies for lunch and I was able to add some sweet peppers, my favorite condiment, to the bowl. It really made this dinner pop!

I had a great night of discharging kids to go home, making the patients and parents laugh, and feeling so positive after days of feeling so insecure. I was even surprised my how filling dinner was! Around 930pm, I sat down for some celery and PB, and a quick break that led to working on a birthday treat for dad. I kept with this idea when I got home, and had some more celery and PB.

Sunday (9/1)

I can’t believe how quickly this year has flown by, and now its the first of September! Wow!

After a shower to wake me up, I attempted to create a Brew HaHa Latte with my shake. It was pretty good for Take 1:

• 1-2 scoop Cafe Latte shake mix
• 1/3 to 1/2 cup raspberries
• 1/2 Tbsp cocoa powder
• 1 tsp sugar free raspberry jello
• 1/2 Tbsp sugar free chocolate DaVinci
• water
• ice
• handful of spinach (optional)
• 1/8 tsp xanthum (optional)
• 1/8 tsp guar gum (optional)
• dash of cinnamon

Last night at work, the girls were snacking on Cool Ranch Doritos. I wasn’t hungry so I ignored the bag, but as the night continued I tried to remember the last time I actually tasted Cool Ranch Doritos. I took one bite. And then another. Wow! Its been years. A little fix and I was done, and I was proud of myself for listening to my body.

Before heading to work, I had a small bite to keep me going. I brewed a mug of Blueberry green tea, and with the last of the raspberries, smashed them on a rice cake, along with some Be Well Nutella. I’ve officially fallen in love with raspberries and nutella! Haha!

Dinner repeated itself, tonight. This time, rather than the sweet peppers, I added a bit of Brummel and Brown, red pepper flakes, and steamed slices of bell pepper and onions. Yum! It was quickly followed by celery sticks and PB2 before I was pulled to another unit at 7pm and completely lost my mind.

I desperately tried to ignore my hunger at 9pm, and was able to deter it for a while. I wanted fruit, apples or a peach, but no such luck in the work pantry. After caving, I ate a 90 calorie pack of Teddy Grahams and half an apple sauce. I know and you know, that it was a smart food decision, but tell that to this eating disorder. As soon as I chewed the last teddy graham, my mind went to hell. But why? I WAS hungry. I listened to my body, and it said feed me, even after trying to trick it with lots of water. All I wanted to do was cry. I was mad that I ate, I was mad that I couldn’t hold out for an apple at home, I was mad that I was approaching 600 calorie for the day. I text my dad, Frank, and Barry from whom I received both support and anguish. Frank is a recovering addict, so he understands what its like to mind-screw yourself. Dad doesn’t quite understand that.

Unfortunately, I did the unthinkable… I purged… at work…

I haven’t done that since the height of my bulimia. I can NOT regress! I will NOT regress! My first action in response to this BS disease? Text my sponsor! I should have done that days ago.

More to Offer

I’ve come to the conclusion that its all in my head. Okay, I already knew that…

The last even of my shift was enjoying a serving of Golden Grahams. This was around 5am. It was delicious! I hadn’t had Golden Grahams in years! Well, guess what… my mind didn’t think the same way. Immediately, as I saw the last few bites left in the bowl, I threw it out and ran to the bathroom. I tried so hard to purge.

I ate like a normal person. I didn’t even go over my calorie allotment.

So why did I freak out? 

When I tried to purge, it actually hurt and nothing came up. Maybe I actually was hungry. Yes, Sammy, your bloated. Every woman feels this way. Get over it. Not all of them purge to deal with it!

A while back, my dad had found a woman who hosts group sessions for those with anorexia and bulimia. I emailed her today.

I need to remember all the things I can offer the world and being my healthiest self, mentally and physically, is the only way I can put forth my best. I text my mom about something that happened at work last night. I assisted a child in respiratory distress, who was blue and required the ambu-bag. My mom text back, “You saved a life!”

I did. I was able to help this child, and run down the halls, and act fast because my mind and body are being supplied with nutrients. I remember how foggy my job and my life was when I was sick; how slow I moved… Would I have been able to assist the way I did last night? I don’t think so.

I was filled with fatigue and anxiety as I arrived home this morning. I laid down, and unable to relax, I am typing this post.

I’m signing off with one last thought:

Albert Einstein said, “Only a life lived for others is worth living.” If anything keeps me going, its knowing I can make a difference in the lives of God’s children and it all starts with taking care of myself.

I love you, readers. Thank you for listening to me.

PMS… What a Bitch!

After dad and I were greeted back to Delaware with a brief down pour of rain, we heated up the remaining pizza from the Sawmill, and a small buffalo chicken cheesesteak for dad and I went for some frozen veggies.

The last few days, I’ve been wanting all things sweet, salty, and crunchy. Peanut M&M! Pretzel sticks! Semi-sweet morsels! Almond Joy! Butterfinger! Cookie dough! Crunchy ice cream! Chinese food!  Yeah, I was all over it, last night!

Give me Sweet, Salty, Crunchy, Indulgence! NOW!!!!

Last night was it! Yesterday was a fabulous day with dad in seaside! It began with breakfast, which I pre-planned in MyFitnessPal the night before. I also planned on having a bite or so of Sawmill pizza, which I put into my calorie counter. By the time I had gotten home, last night, my calories were enough to allow for dinner and a treat! Time to play it safe.

I microwaved some green beans and broccoli. That just wasn’t cutting it. Ah, some cantaloupe from the farm market should help… Nope. Popcorn! 94% fat free… safe choice, good for chewing, and popping… Still not doing it. Maybe a few semi-sweet morsels… Mmm salty popcorn and chocolate. That’s what I want! I need salty, sweet, crunch! 

I allowed myself a nice treat! I quickly popped a few M&Ms and dialed the Chinese restaurant around the corner. Dad and I split a Hot and Sour soup and an order of shrimp toast. Many people have no clue what shrimp toast is. Essentially, its a shrimp- “imperial” like mixture on a slice of bread that is covered in panko and deep fried. I like to dip mine in the mustard and duck sauce mixed together. Here’s the deal… It’s not exactly in the lowest calories, lowest fat content categories…

I haven’t had shrimp toast in almost two years. When my eating disorder set in, I swore off all things fried, breaded, and ordered out. I’ve learned that even though I usually have melt downs after tasting any of these foods, its okay to treat yourself. I don’t do it every day… I’m  slowly learning to incorporate treats in my life in a way that is in moderation and good for my mind and body. (I have lots of recipes for shrimp toast so I think I’m going to Bundo-ize this typically unhealthy splurge).

Back to the point of this post… PMS is a bitch. I’m human, and a female, at that. Before I got sick, I was never really a sweets person. I was big because my portions were large and I didn’t exercise. Ever  since recovery, I have loved chocolate! In fact, I was snacking on semi-sweet morsels all night! So…

Female+Recovery+PMS= Oh crap!

If you’ve ever seen or read The Vagina Monologues, “Angry Vagina” pretty much sums its up…Its a hilarious monologue about all the things women put up with. In general, I highly recommend for everyone to check out the monologues! But as I write up this post, its all I can think about that accurately portrays my feelings.

The cramps, the bloating, the cravings, the mood swings, the fatigue… and its almost uncontrollable! Like a tic! What a bitch!

In fact, yesterday actually started at 330am, for me, as I woke up with cramps. I laid in bed, desperately trying to fall back asleep, curled into the fetal position. No such luck…

As I cracked into my fortune cookie, I thought my fortune was most fitting:

“Our perception and attitude toward any situation will determine the outcome.”

I don’t look at last night as a failure in my eating or my progress. I look at it as normal. Everyone get the munchies. Everyone has indulgent times. Everyone just needs chocolate sometimes! It happens! Even with my mini-binges the last few days, my calorie count has still been within limits. I allowed myself these treats yesterday, knowing that I am allowed to enjoy a little indulgence. I know it sounds like I’m trying to convince myself of this, and I partly am. It takes 3,500 calories to gain 1 lb. I eat to live, not live to eat. Cooking and eating are passions of mine. How can I let these eating disorders destroy my passions. I am in control.

But, wow, did I really need last night’s munchie-fest. It was good for the mind and it made my body shut up with the cravings. Plus, it made my dad smile to see me really enjoy what I was eating and not stressing about calories! (He actually asked me the calorie count of the shrimp toast! Good job, daddy!)

With all of this rambling and pseudo-inspirational mindset, I am always honest with you. After dad headed to bed and I thought I could trust myself, I began to pop a few semi-sweet morsels. After a bit of this, despite being on the phone with Barry, I knew I was getting out of hand. I was testing my own boundaries. How far could I take this? Why didn’t I tell Barry? Instead, I put on a front to him like everything was fine; Like I was proud that I allowed myself the indulgence. (I kind of was.) Bottom line, I purged. Not all of it, but the shear action, after not doing for weeks, proves I still have a long way to go.

With that said, I am sorry, dad. It was a selfish action and I know it hurts you when I hurt myself.

I just realized that many of my posts have a similar pattern: inspirational and then spiral into a black hole!

Eating disorders are a bitch!

PMS… What a Bitch!

Without the Blog

Without the blog… my brain feels like a tornado… Swirling around causing misplacement of thoughts, turmoil, destruction of normal thinking… utter destruction of all the progress I have made…

After the events of the last few days, I believe I have found a correlation: blogging and binging. When I don’t blog, my eating habits go down the drain, my sense of control over my life feels missing, and chaos ensues.

I know that after a day or days of little appetite, it is bound to come back and bite me in the butt. The other day, I was asked to work a double and gladly excepted. Things were going great! The shift was going well, my patients were doing well, even my eating was doing well. I packed a delicious salad for dinner.

For the night shift portion of the evening, I had a packet of miso soup with crackers.

And then this happened…

Yeah… the downward spiral happened…

Just sitting around chatting with the girls and snacking away. The indulgent trail mix got me in some trouble. Which of course really got to my head, and gave me a decent belly ache. I decided the smart thing to do would be to purge. I know! Genius, right?!

I guzzled water for the next few hours or work, trying desparatley to fill myself up and flush out my system. The brain starts to think in odd ways when things go arye.

I got home, stressing out and yet I couldn’t stop eating! Why?!

I wound up making a shake, which I figure would fill me up indefinitely and I could walk away. Nope!

I would up purging, again, and completely curling into a ball for the remainder of the day. It was terrible. Throughout the rest of this week, I’ve had times of binging. The other night, I ate until I was in physical pain! Why? I don’t know? I followed this with intense purging.

I continued to question myself. Why, after all this time of success, did I fall? Everyone has days of slips, but this was repetitive.

I honestly believe its because I have not blogged. This blog is my outlet, my sancutuary. It makes me accountable for my actions. I allows me to reflect on my day, and basque in my accomplishments.

Without this blog, I’m lost.

Tamale Pie: Crock Pot Recipe #10

Yay! We did it! 10 new crock pot recipes before the end of February!

Dad seemed super excited about this one! He actually found this recipe.

Southwestern Tamale Pie

serves 8

Filling Ingredients:

1 lb lean ground beef
1 lb lean ground turkey

3 Tablespoons chili seasoning
1/4 teaspoon onion powder
2 cans (14 1/2 ounces each) stewed tomatoes, cut-up
1 can (14 1/2 ounces)  beans , drained and rinsed (1/3 dry beans, then partiallycooked)
1 can (4 ounces) chopped fire-roasted green chiles
1/2 cup water
Cornbread Topping Ingredients:

1 box (8 1/2 ounces) corn muffin mix
1 cup fat free shredded Cheddar cheese
Directions:

Brown ground meat in large skillet on medium-high heat; drain.Place ground beef in slow cooker. Add chili seasoning, onion powder, stewed tomatoes, beans, chiles and water. Mix all ingredients well.Cover and cook 8 hours on low.

Then prepare the cornbread topping. Increase the heat setting to high. Prepare corn muffin batter as directed on package. Drop batter by spoonfuls on top of filling in slow cooker. Cover. Cook 30 minutes longer or until toothpick inserted into center of cornbread topping comes out clean. Turn off slow cooker. Sprinkle cornbread topping with cheddar cheese,  cover for 5 minutes longer until cheese begins to melt.

I browned the ground beef last night, so this morning I could just dump everything in the crock and skidaddle off to clinical.

Mom and dad both enjoyed this. I needed to add hot sauce.  Next time, I think I’ll add another can of chiles. It must have been good though, because I’ve never seen my mom eat so fast and ask for seconds!

After clinical, I planned on stopping by campus on my way home to take advantage of their gym… well, with all the construction, I missed the exit… Therefore, I decided to tackle another day of Couch to 5K. The pace picked up on this one with longer intervals of running!

Although the day started off great, it ended miserably. This eating disorder reared its ugly head, again. Its amazing what the min can do. I actually ate and ate with the intention of purging. I so I purged.

I can’t figure out why this is still happening. I’m spiraling down and I feel like I’m falling deeper. I try so hard to remember mantras to keep my head up but theres always that other voice in my head, reminding me how much I’ve failed myself. This is all so new to me.