Emotion-Coaster

It was rather a rollercoaster of a day. It started out great, then got bad, then it got better, and then it was just okay.

Before I get into that, I have to share with you some of my mad scientist brain. My hot chocolate did not quite satisfy my sweet tooth last night. I popped a mini bag of popcorn, for crunch, drizzled a bit of SF chocolate syrup, for the sweet, and a handful of raspberries for juice and tartness! Sounds crazy but it was pretty awesome and did the trick!

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I got up to make dad breakfast before he headed off to work. Today is National Scrapple Day, so I made his favorite: scrapple, egg whites, and cheese on a toasted everything bagelthin with hot sauce!

After a mug of coffee and some resume sending, I thought scrapple sounded great! How dare I, a Delawarean, not celebrate National Scrapple Day?! Right as I was about to toss a slice of toast in the toaster oven, it hit me! While picking out my bell peppers, yesterday, at the farmers market, a woman mention stuffed peppers. I could totally make a breakfast stuffed pepper! I could stuff it with anything! Its genius! (If you want stuffed peppers for dinner, try out my Quinoa Stuffed Peppers!)

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serves 2

  • 1 medium bell pepper, sliced in half
  • 1/2 cup liquid egg substitute, divided
  • 2 oz scrapple (or meat of choice), divided
  • hot sauce (or condiment of choice)
  • cheese (optional)

Spray a pan with non stick cooking spray, and lay the pepper halves, boat style, and bake at 350 F for 15-20 minutes. Meanwhile, brown 1 oz of scrapple, or meat of choice. Once browned, roughly dice the meat, spray the pan with non stick cooking spray and pour 1/4 cup egg over top. Top egg with condiment (and cheese). Quickly, fold the eggs over to just barely cook. Transfer the egg mix into a pepper half. Repeat with the remaining meat, eggs, and pepper. Bake at 350 F for another 15 minutes.

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I sprinkled mine with reduced fat grated parm! MMMMM!

It really was a great idea! A few hours later, I knew I needed to get food in my stomach before work. There was no way I could run my shift with some little calories in my system. Some peanut butter and pretzel sticks later? An anxiety attack!

Not only was I frustrated, for some reason, about eating lunch, I was frustrated with myself for this stupid anxiety attack! I had been doing so well! Why now? Darn it!!!!

I pulled myself together, enough, to get ready for work. My thinking was Sammy, if your at work, your moving, which means you’re burning calories…

As always, work pulled me out of my funk and I threw myself into my patients. I kept myself busy until, my stomach told me it was time to eat. Amy and I headed down to the caf and I was pleased to find steamed broccoli on the menu. I dug into some steamed broccoli, sprinkled with Old Bay, and raw mushrooms and baby corn. I grabbed the plum for mom.

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WP_004543Around 830, I sat down, once more, to the last slice of Sweet Pumpkin Quiche, which I topped with toasted coconut and raisins! I felt a little leery about eating, but I knew that it was best for me! How can I take care of my patients and set an example if I’m not healthy and taking care of myself? 

I had to have been the most hydrated I have ever been, tonight! Early in my shift, I grabbed a 32 oz cup so I could refill it throughout the night. I drank FOUR of these! FOUR!

Be Sure To Drink Your Ovaltine

Today is National Dessert Day. It is also National Chocolate Covered Insect Day. I think I’ll refrain from the latter and begin my day with a classic dessert-inspired shake bowl:

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  • 1 scoop Chocolate protein
  • 3 Tbsp Chocolate Malt
  • 1 Tbsp SF Creme de Menthe
  • water
  • ice
  • xanthum and guar (optional)

I topped this with one of my favorite shake bowl toppings: Gnu Espresso Chip bar!

Since Ovaltine was a feature in breakfast, I just couldn’t help myself:

 

I kept thinking about what the heck chocolate covered insects would taste like. I remember my mom said that when she was a kid she accidentally tried chocolate covered ants. And they were good, apparently!!! Light bulb! I remembered theres a dessert called Grasshopper Pie, though I’ve never actually had it.

Grasshopper Shake:

  • 1 scoop Chocolate protein
  • 1 Tbsp SF Creme de Menthe
  • 1 Tbsp SF fat free White Chocolate pudding mix
  • spinach
  • water
  • ice
  • guar and xanthum (optional)

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I topped this bowl with Kashi cereal and my latest addiction, Goldfish. My friend told me about French Toast Gold fish Grahams. I would have loved to top this bowl with one of the chocolate varieties. So, some SF chocolate syrup sufficed.

With the mass quantity of ice in my body, I spent the rest of the day curled under a blanket until Zumba! Zumba, Zumba, Zumba! Since my mom keeps backing out of going with me, Barry was kind enough to offer to go with me the next time I went. I was so surprised when he actually came! Like, I thought he was just saying it to be nice.

He was a trooper. By the end of the class he was tired, hungry, and sweaty. “Every muscle in my legs hurt, but they’ve never felt better.” To me, thats a compliment!

With all this talk of Zumba, I found this article both interesting and helpful: Best Shoes for Your Workout.

Following class, we headed to Wawa. We were both hungry but not. The shopping center around the Wawa also contains a Buffalo Wild Wings, Barry’s favorite restaurant, not mine. But the longer we were in the parking lot, the more we could smell food, and the more we wanted something. Barry grabbed a meal from Wawa… I may have stole his apples. Upon arriving home, Barry introduced me to Buffalo Cheddar Popcorn. Usually, buffalo flavored foods are over powering, taste gross, or don’t taste anything like buffalo, like Buffalo Wing Pretzel Crisps… disappointment. But this popcorn was soooo good! It had the perfect amount of kick. I had to grab a drink after a handful but I wanted more! Good find, Barry!

PMS… What a Bitch!

After dad and I were greeted back to Delaware with a brief down pour of rain, we heated up the remaining pizza from the Sawmill, and a small buffalo chicken cheesesteak for dad and I went for some frozen veggies.

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The last few days, I’ve been wanting all things sweet, salty, and crunchy. Peanut M&M! Pretzel sticks! Semi-sweet morsels! Almond Joy! Butterfinger! Cookie dough! Crunchy ice cream! Chinese food!  Yeah, I was all over it, last night!

Give me Sweet, Salty, Crunchy, Indulgence! NOW!!!!

Last night was it! Yesterday was a fabulous day with dad in seaside! It began with breakfast, which I pre-planned in MyFitnessPal the night before. I also planned on having a bite or so of Sawmill pizza, which I put into my calorie counter. By the time I had gotten home, last night, my calories were enough to allow for dinner and a treat! Time to play it safe.

I microwaved some green beans and broccoli. That just wasn’t cutting it. Ah, some cantaloupe from the farm market should help… Nope. Popcorn! 94% fat free… safe choice, good for chewing, and popping… Still not doing it. Maybe a few semi-sweet morsels… Mmm salty popcorn and chocolate. That’s what I want! I need salty, sweet, crunch! 

I allowed myself a nice treat! I quickly popped a few M&Ms and dialed the Chinese restaurant around the corner. Dad and I split a Hot and Sour soup and an order of shrimp toast. Many people have no clue what shrimp toast is. Essentially, its a shrimp- “imperial” like mixture on a slice of bread that is covered in panko and deep fried. I like to dip mine in the mustard and duck sauce mixed together. Here’s the deal… It’s not exactly in the lowest calories, lowest fat content categories…

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I haven’t had shrimp toast in almost two years. When my eating disorder set in, I swore off all things fried, breaded, and ordered out. I’ve learned that even though I usually have melt downs after tasting any of these foods, its okay to treat yourself. I don’t do it every day… I’m  slowly learning to incorporate treats in my life in a way that is in moderation and good for my mind and body. (I have lots of recipes for shrimp toast so I think I’m going to Bundo-ize this typically unhealthy splurge).

Back to the point of this post… PMS is a bitch. I’m human, and a female, at that. Before I got sick, I was never really a sweets person. I was big because my portions were large and I didn’t exercise. Ever  since recovery, I have loved chocolate! In fact, I was snacking on semi-sweet morsels all night! So…

chocole

Female+Recovery+PMS= Oh crap!

If you’ve ever seen or read The Vagina Monologues, “Angry Vagina” pretty much sums its up…Its a hilarious monologue about all the things women put up with. In general, I highly recommend for everyone to check out the monologues! But as I write up this post, its all I can think about that accurately portrays my feelings.

The cramps, the bloating, the cravings, the mood swings, the fatigue… and its almost uncontrollable! Like a tic! What a bitch!

In fact, yesterday actually started at 330am, for me, as I woke up with cramps. I laid in bed, desperately trying to fall back asleep, curled into the fetal position. No such luck…

As I cracked into my fortune cookie, I thought my fortune was most fitting:

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“Our perception and attitude toward any situation will determine the outcome.”

I don’t look at last night as a failure in my eating or my progress. I look at it as normal. Everyone get the munchies. Everyone has indulgent times. Everyone just needs chocolate sometimes! It happens! Even with my mini-binges the last few days, my calorie count has still been within limits. I allowed myself these treats yesterday, knowing that I am allowed to enjoy a little indulgence. I know it sounds like I’m trying to convince myself of this, and I partly am. It takes 3,500 calories to gain 1 lb. I eat to live, not live to eat. Cooking and eating are passions of mine. How can I let these eating disorders destroy my passions. I am in control.

But, wow, did I really need last night’s munchie-fest. It was good for the mind and it made my body shut up with the cravings. Plus, it made my dad smile to see me really enjoy what I was eating and not stressing about calories! (He actually asked me the calorie count of the shrimp toast! Good job, daddy!)

With all of this rambling and pseudo-inspirational mindset, I am always honest with you. After dad headed to bed and I thought I could trust myself, I began to pop a few semi-sweet morsels. After a bit of this, despite being on the phone with Barry, I knew I was getting out of hand. I was testing my own boundaries. How far could I take this? Why didn’t I tell Barry? Instead, I put on a front to him like everything was fine; Like I was proud that I allowed myself the indulgence. (I kind of was.) Bottom line, I purged. Not all of it, but the shear action, after not doing for weeks, proves I still have a long way to go.

With that said, I am sorry, dad. It was a selfish action and I know it hurts you when I hurt myself.

I just realized that many of my posts have a similar pattern: inspirational and then spiral into a black hole!

Eating disorders are a bitch!

PMS… What a Bitch!

Eggs and Doctor’s Day

Prepare yourself for a recap of the last day and half, complete with a crazy amount of pictures.

Wednesday night, I ate some homemade wonton soup I found in the freezer. Yum!

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It was an easy shift since I was placed in a 1:1. Although I did not have any school stuff with me to pass the time, I spent my night researching downtown San Jose and eateries to better prepare myself for next week’s trip. I found a variety of places including Indian, sushi and vegan!

Arriving home, I made a cup of decaf tea and sleepily waited for my uncle to drop of some much anticipated cookies. Ever since my grandmother passed away, he has turned into “Barry Crocker.” His specialty is ricotta cookies. I love his ricotta cookies! The texture is so unique! He typically makes Lemon Ricotta Cookies that I devour every time! I mean, these cookies go fast! Everyone wants them! He called me and said he would drop off his latest creation: Chocolate Chip Ricotta Cookies! They looked like chocolate chip scones, but wow! They had the same texture as before, but no with a chocolate treat. One word: Addicting!

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I’ll talk to him and see if he’ll share his secrets with us!

After a brief nap, I woke with one focus. As promised, I used those strawberries in a shake: Chocolate Covered Strawberry:WP_001672

2 scoops Chocolate protein powder

1 Tbsp unsweetened Cocoa powder

strawberries

handful of spinach

1/4 tsp xanthum

water

ice

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I spent the remainder of my afternoon taking a brisk walk to the supermarket for some few essentials for the weekend, then tidying up the house, and doing a bit of ab work.

Before I left the house, mom really wanted to make some popcorn. Last year, when I was in Nashville, TN for the International Convention, I picked this up. I though the novelty of it was too cool! Its a cob of corn… to make popcorn! You just slide this, what looks like Halloween corn, into the provided bag, fold the bags edge closed, and pop away!

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I arrived on night shift apt! I don’t know why… this energy, though, helped power me through a night of 10 patients! I was greeted on the unit by these little dudes:

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I forgot we had an egg decorating contest to help raise money for the asthma foundation. In first place, was Angry Birds.

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I had one of the best night shift meals in a while! I told you that falafel dip was going to be a Bundo house staple, and I meant it. I mixed the remaining dip left over from the falafel with some tuna fish. I laid this on a bed of spinach, along with tomato and onion and wrapped in an Everything tortilla! At work, I lucked out and found some roasted red peppers on the salad bar and threw those on there, too! To join the party… some celery and carrot sticks with reduced fat Ranch dressing and a fresh and crunchy bean salad, also from the salad bar. Dessert was a Fiber One brownie!

It figures that the one day I mess up on eating meat, it would be the morning of Good Friday! Ugh! My girlfriend and I split some chicken fingers! I haven’t eaten them in ages!

During this shift we also decorated for our unit’s Doctor’s Day. Our night shift crew prepared everything for breakfast while today;s day shift staff will set up lunch. We had bags of Quaker Quakes, Fage yogurt, coffee, fruit… etc.

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But the niftiest of all was the cake! We filled empty sterile syringes with red icing and med cups with M&Ms:

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I headed home in fun because I ate a bit more than I had wanted. After chatting with mom for about an hour, I started to feel a hungry stomach (which kind of cheered me up slightly knowing that I recognized what my body wanted). Before heading to bed, I pulled out OIKOS Pomegranate Greek yogurt and topped it with chia. MMMM I forgot how much I liked this one! (And my Scooby Doo spoon from the bottom of the Rice Krispies box, to embrace some childhood).

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I was able to get about 2 hours of sleep before I woke up. I guess I turned off the alarm I had set for Church, but I still woke up on time. I guess the Big Guy really wanted me there! This is something I look forward to every Good Friday. (Today is Good Friday, by the way… the day Christ die on the cross.) Every Friday during Lent we celebrate what is known to Catholics as the Stations of the Cross, marking key points leading up the the crucifiction. On Good Friday, the congregation meets a few blocks away and processes towards Church with a large wooden cross. We pause at intervals to read the stations, and as we process we sing hymns. I love the unifying feeling of this event and the fact that we take time to reflect on our lives, faith, each other, and our blessings.  I am a lector at my Church as read a station every year. This year, I also acted as song leader, leading the congregation in the hymns between stations. I wanted to be more involved this year, and I helped carry the cross in between two stations. I had three favorite parts about today’s procession: 1) all the new faces, 2) it was my mom’s first time attending, and 3)even the little kids got involved this year!

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Afterwards, I whipped up a new recipe that I guarantee you will see again on this blog! My mom and I love eggplant. I eat mine in any way but fried, and my mom ONLY eats hers fried, therefore, I am always looking for healthy eggplant recipes to snag my mom from the dark side. I used Hungry Girl’s recipe for an eggplant stir-fry and let me tell ya, I was impressed! I find with some of her recipes, that theres a potential for bland-ness or that I need to acquire the taste, but not with this one! And an added bonus what how absolutely easy it was!

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To top it off and add some different textures, I steamed up some frozen stir-fry vegetables. I can’t wait to try this with tofu! I’ve had a decent amount of requests from readers about tofu recipes, so this is a contender.

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MMMM! It was everything you’d expect! Sweet and sticky and just a little kick!

I had gotten a coupon for Payless Shoes for 20% off my purchase  and since I’m going to be hitting California soon, I thought I could use a nice pair of black staple pumps. After playing around with some shoe indulgence and a fashion shoe (haha puns!), I decided on a comfy pair of peep-toes.

My absolute favorite!

My absolute favorite!

Feeling like a superstar!

Feeling like a superstar!

The winner

The winner

When It Rains, It Pours

No, really… Its pouring outside…

Even though I went to sleep around 8pm last night, I woke up feeling really uncomfortable and immediately got sick. I decided I was to tough it out, since I did no want to miss any clinical. While at clinical, I got sick and got really flush and the nurse sent me home. I was so disappointed because this nurse was going to have me administer medications and respiratory treatments!

I headed home and crashed for a few hours. When I woke up, I still felt gross. I finally smacked on some apple that i had packed for lunch to see how that felt. The remainder of the day was mostly carby foods. They just made me feel better… Like crackers, bread, and popcorn.

And once again, no gym for Sammy! Grrrr! I have class in the morning so I hope I can get to the gym after class.

Tomorrow will be another weird scheduled day…

Just like last Saturday, I will be working a 12 but this time, on night shift…
I’m hoping to get some reading done for school…

Tonight, I also decided on what crock pot meals I will be making this weekend to close up the crock pot challenge! I’m so excited!