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I’ve come to the conclusion that its all in my head.¬†Okay, I already knew that…

The last even of my shift was enjoying a serving of Golden Grahams. This was around 5am. It was delicious! I hadn’t had Golden Grahams in years! Well, guess what… my mind didn’t think the same way. Immediately, as I saw the last few bites left in the bowl, I threw it out and ran to the bathroom. I tried so hard to purge.

I ate like a normal person. I didn’t even go over my calorie allotment.

So why did I freak out? 

When I tried to purge, it actually hurt and nothing came up. Maybe I actually was hungry. Yes, Sammy, your bloated. Every woman feels this way. Get over it. Not all of them purge to deal with it!

A while back, my dad had found a woman who hosts group sessions for those with anorexia and bulimia. I emailed her today.

I need to remember all the things I can offer the world and being my healthiest self, mentally and physically, is the only way I can put forth my best. I text my mom about something that happened at work last night. I assisted a child in respiratory distress, who was blue and required the ambu-bag. My mom text back, “You saved a life!”

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I did. I was able to help this child, and run down the halls, and act fast because my mind and body are being supplied with nutrients. I remember how foggy my job and my life was when I was sick; how slow I moved… Would I have been able to assist the way I did last night? I don’t think so.

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I was filled with fatigue and anxiety as I arrived home this morning. I laid down, and unable to relax, I am typing this post.

I’m signing off with one last thought:

Albert Einstein said, “Only a life lived for others is worth living.” If anything keeps me going, its knowing I can make a difference in the lives of God’s children and it all starts with taking care of myself.

I love you, readers. Thank you for listening to me.