Chocolate and Vanilla Cake Walk Into A Bar…

Monday

I spent the entire, and I do mean entire, day in bed! Barry and I both have night shift and neither one of us felt a real reason to get up.  In fact my “breakfast” was a sugar free oreo and a spoonful of Barry’s grandmother’s homemade apple sauce! And that’s just because Barry had them in the room! Haha!

I arrived back home, after picking up dinner for the family, and jumped in the shower. I got out just in time to whip up a shake and enjoy dinner with the family before heading to work. While the family ate their Wendy’s, I made a bowl. Frappe Away I said to myself.

Today is National Frappe Day. What the heck is a frappe? I googled and found out it is typically a coffee and ice cream based drink. Well, no ice cream went into the blender, but Cafe Latte protein powder did. Between Barry and my girlfriend, Rebecca, both of whom call me “Pumpkin,” were partial inspirations for the end result of my meal. Since I, unfortunately, did not have any open cans of pumpkin, I substituted the fiber with a handful of frozen apples. Did you know October is National Apple Month? (I know… I’m a pillar of useless knowledge…)

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The crunchy and nutty topper for this bowl was unsalted, hulled pumpkin seeds and Kashi Go Lean cereal.

I headed off to work to find out I was being pulled to another unit, a unit I have never been to before. Its always slightly nerve-racking being pulled to another unit. What are the nurses like there? Whats the acuity of the patients? Am I on the floor or a 1:1? How long will I be on the unit for?

Luckily, none of these things were a problem, tonight. In fact, the nurses were welcoming, sociable, and helpful, and my 11 patients were of managable acuity! I actually was pulled for the complete 12 hours of my shift.

Tuesday

I met with my girlfriend and co-worker, Amy, a little after 1am and we went to the caf, where I grabbed some raw vegetables from the salad bar. Rather than crushing saltines into my Wendy’s chili, I dipped these vegetables. Genius! The Wendy’s near my house was recently rebuilt and opened last week. I have been craving chili ever since. I was floored when I checked the website to find a small chili was 180 calories! I expected a small container, but was content with being able to get a chili, in the first place. When I asked the woman if she gave me the right size, she compared it to the large and I was floored, once again! Score!

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I was one happy camper as I emptied the chili hot sauce packets into my cup and dug in.

WP_004153We’ve been Boo-ed!” Huh? Apparently, theres this game going on around the hospital where units make bags of candies, and sneak them into unit’s break rooms then the game continues. Damn, Butterfingers get me every time! Luckily, I was one and done! Yay, Sammy!

My sleep was cut short today as I was awoken by a call from my manger with some not so pleasant news (more to come on that matter). There was no way I could get back to sleep and, in fact, I was up for the rest of the day before coming back to work. My breakfast? Corn chips and a Babyruth.

All day I wanted to eat, although I knew I wasn’t hungry. But then, I began feeling an emptiness in my stomach, so I ate. It turned out that emptiness was actually part of my emotions. To try to counter act this feeling, it was a two shake day.

I’m sort of childishly excited for today’s food-iday: National Fluffernutter Day! I kept swaying back and forth between making a shake or a sandwich to celebrate. I was never a fan of fluff as a kid. Well, maybe thats not the way to put it. We just never bought it. Same thing with Nutella. We never bought it so I never really developed a taste for it until I tried my little brother’s nutella one day. Same goes for the Fluff. I remember, last year during my refeeding, I would dip Nilla wafers into fluff. Sometimes, I would grab a spoonful of PB and then dip into the Fluff jar. If I wanted something extra sweet, I’d do a nutella and fluff combo!

Anyway, I decided I would feel more satisfied with a bowl:

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  • 1 scoop of Chocolate OR Vanilla shake mix
  • 1 Tbsp fluff
  • 1 tsp peanut butter
  • 1 1/2 Tbsp Chocolate PB2
  • xanthum and guar, optional

To substitute for the bread, I topped the sweet bowl with Fiber One bran cereal. (Its pretty shade of green is from added spinach).

A bit after, I realized my anxiety was manifesting itself. Rather than NOT eating, I WAS eating. Luckily, I recognized it, and preoccupied myself with mopping the floor and going through clothes to donate. When dinner time arrived, and heavy eyelids began, I  whipped up another bowl to hold me over until it was time to eat at work.

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  • 1 scoop Chocolate protein
  • 1 1/2 Tbsp Chocolate PB2
  • 1 1/2 Tbsp SF caramel syrup
  • pinch of salt
  • 20 fat free pretzel sticks, broken

It totally hit the spot and I loved the salty sweet crunch that I constantly crave.

I was on the floor for the first four hours of my 12 hour shift. My 1:1 patient was supposed to be going home tomorrow, so I wanted to spend some time with then before they left.

Wednesday

After a breezy first four, my time ended abruptly with assisting to de-escalate an upset parent and assist a nurse with removing an IV. I felt great when I was able to help the mother stop crying and make her laugh.

When I got into my patient’s room, the patient was super excited that I’d be spending the rest of the shift with them. I, then ,found out my patient’s discharge date had been pushed back to Friday. That means I get two more shifts to see them.

After the snack I had done earlier in the day, I packed a light meal for work. Plus, my nerves were still so wrecked that I didn’t have much of an appetite. But boy, oh, boy, was I in for a rude awakening.

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Yeah!

As if I wasn’t stressed enough, and manifesting it with body hating, I had that Cajun Trail Mix and all of this candy in my face! The nurses agreed that I deserved to have day a candy. Its funny how I eat candy when I’m spazzed. I’m stress eating, but body conscience. I take a bite out of piece and throw it away. Bizarre. Nonetheless, the nibbles did not stop me from hating myself as I returned to the 1:1 after eating some leftover eggplant parm frittata around 3am.

WP_004159Deb brought this in, too! Candy Corn M &M! What a combo! These candy pieces are bigger that the typical chocolates and made with white chocolate instead. Addicting. While trying to find a link to these M&Ms for you, I found these! I’ve never seen these. Ever! Is it for real? Does anyone know? My jaw almost hit the floor and I’m enveloped in curiousity! I returned to my patient’s room, after some well-deserved ranting, and counted down until 7am when I could leave.

Full or body hating guilt and a dwindling self worth, I tried to keep my mind occupied by blogging and reading.

I must admit that I was, finally, able to finish a book that I wanted to read. Its been years since I’ve been able to read a book for fun.

After work, I couldn’t wait to hit my bed. Today, on a day when I actually feel tired after work, I had to stay up to take my uncle to a doctors appointment. His procedure required sedation and he, therefore, needed a ride to and from.

WP_004160Luckily, it didn’t take very long and I killed some time at Wawa grabbing a coffee and a packet of apples to hold me over. Upon arriving home, I snagged a few pretzel sticks and almonds and curled up into a ball to awake about 5 hours late! Victory! I had finally slept!

Once awake, I hopped in the shower and assisted Frank with making my little brother dinner, while also sending out countless resumes! Last night, I was reading up on detox soups, many of which contained beets and ginger. I figured I could work with that and wound up creating what tasted better than Red Velvet Cake!

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  • 1 scoop chocolate protein
  • 1/2 small beet, peeled, sliced thinly and microwaved for 3 minutes
  • 1/2 frozen banana
  • 1/3 cup frozen pitted cherries
  • 1/2 Tbsp sugar free fat free cheesecake OR white chocolate pudding mix
  • splash of SF chocolate syrup, for added sweetness
  • xanthum and guar (optional)

I’ve never like Red Velvet Cake. It was always one of those sweets thatI didn’t understand. Its like if chocolate and vanilla cake had a baby and the baby couldn’t decide what it wanted to be when it grew up…

Once the fruits and vegetables were blended, the color reminded me of the cake, and rather than going full on “detox,” I went with the inspiration. I topped my bowl with broken pretzel sticks and chia seeds.

With the remaining half beet, I repeated the slicing, and combined it with sliced baby carrots, a chopped cherry pepper, onions, and chopped sun-dried tomatoes into a Tupperware all to be, later, used to top a bed of chopped romaine and reduced fat blue cheese crumbles. It’s National Moldy Cheese Day, hence the moldy cheese in my salad… Once arriving at work, I was greeted with this:

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“Happy Pediatric Nurse’s Week from Bayada Health!” Thanks Bayada. Start my shift with an oatmeal cookie and some M&Ms? Don’t mind if I do. One and done, baby! I was a happy camper, once again, with my self control, and felt no guilt about this treat!

Thursday

I spent my shift much like I did the night before; the first 4 hours on the floor and the last 8 in my 1:1. Before falling asleep, my patient asked if I would care to watch a movie with them. And so we laughed until the movie ended. Around 2 am I was relieved from my post to eat. I warmed the previously prepared vegetables in the microwave and tossed them with the romaine and blue cheese. I love how the warm veggies melt the blue cheese, and their juices combine to create a dressing for the salad! Its a salad with which I’ve never been disappointed! Following my meal, I snagged a mini Twix from the abbondanza supply of candy, and another half a cookie, sealing the deal with a cup of hot coffee.

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I always take time at the hospital as a learning opportunity and asked the nurse if she could explain to me the difference between “covering” for carbs and “correcting” with insulin. I was so pleased to discover that I had already had a solid understanding of how to do so, and worked with the nurse making up a few examples to ensure I had a firm grasp on the subject. Woo Hoo!

I returned to the room of the 1:1 and spent my remain hours charting on my patient, scouring the web for pediatric nursing positions, working on Be Well Bundo, stretching, and reading another book.

Following work, I drug myself to, yet another, morning appointment, but not before grabbing a bite. Who would think that soup would be the breakfast of choice? On this cold morning, it was all I could think about. I heated up a cup of Progresso’s Chicken and Barley (I’m a sucker for barley), topped with a bran crackers, and warmed myself up.

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This time, the appointment required manual labor and as I left the hospital, I prayed the rain would hold off until my task was complete. We are fortunate enough to have a home with a fireplace, my favorite feature of the house. I am planted in front of it throughout the fall and winter months. I’m surprised the floor isn’t indented with my butt print, by now. We were, also, fortunate enough to have been connected with the city to receive free wood. As the city chops trees, the lumbar is piled at a local park on the east side. If you schedule an appointment and complete the labor, yourself, you can take a truckload of FREE wood each month. We took full advantage of it, last year, and I wanted an early start, this year. I took the first available appointment and Frank and I headed over, bundled up, tiredly fighting the weather in a battle of time.

The forecast for the next four days is nothing but cold rain. Oh, joy! According to the weather tracker on my phone, between 7 to 9 there was a decreased chance of rain. Our appointment was for 830. As we pulled up, it was chilly and lightly raining. We loaded up the bed of the truck and by the time I got home, I was dead to the world and it began raining harder.

I stumbled into the house, eyes barely open, and made a B line to the couch where there was an inviting  comforter calling my name. With hoodie up and slipper socks on, I was out in a matter of seconds, contacts in and all (not smart by the way… crazy dry eyes).

I woke around 330pm, or so, trying to go back to sleep. No luck. And here I am. Catching you up on the haps.

PMS… What a Bitch!

After dad and I were greeted back to Delaware with a brief down pour of rain, we heated up the remaining pizza from the Sawmill, and a small buffalo chicken cheesesteak for dad and I went for some frozen veggies.

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The last few days, I’ve been wanting all things sweet, salty, and crunchy. Peanut M&M! Pretzel sticks! Semi-sweet morsels! Almond Joy! Butterfinger! Cookie dough! Crunchy ice cream! Chinese food!  Yeah, I was all over it, last night!

Give me Sweet, Salty, Crunchy, Indulgence! NOW!!!!

Last night was it! Yesterday was a fabulous day with dad in seaside! It began with breakfast, which I pre-planned in MyFitnessPal the night before. I also planned on having a bite or so of Sawmill pizza, which I put into my calorie counter. By the time I had gotten home, last night, my calories were enough to allow for dinner and a treat! Time to play it safe.

I microwaved some green beans and broccoli. That just wasn’t cutting it. Ah, some cantaloupe from the farm market should help… Nope. Popcorn! 94% fat free… safe choice, good for chewing, and popping… Still not doing it. Maybe a few semi-sweet morsels… Mmm salty popcorn and chocolate. That’s what I want! I need salty, sweet, crunch! 

I allowed myself a nice treat! I quickly popped a few M&Ms and dialed the Chinese restaurant around the corner. Dad and I split a Hot and Sour soup and an order of shrimp toast. Many people have no clue what shrimp toast is. Essentially, its a shrimp- “imperial” like mixture on a slice of bread that is covered in panko and deep fried. I like to dip mine in the mustard and duck sauce mixed together. Here’s the deal… It’s not exactly in the lowest calories, lowest fat content categories…

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I haven’t had shrimp toast in almost two years. When my eating disorder set in, I swore off all things fried, breaded, and ordered out. I’ve learned that even though I usually have melt downs after tasting any of these foods, its okay to treat yourself. I don’t do it every day… I’m  slowly learning to incorporate treats in my life in a way that is in moderation and good for my mind and body. (I have lots of recipes for shrimp toast so I think I’m going to Bundo-ize this typically unhealthy splurge).

Back to the point of this post… PMS is a bitch. I’m human, and a female, at that. Before I got sick, I was never really a sweets person. I was big because my portions were large and I didn’t exercise. Ever  since recovery, I have loved chocolate! In fact, I was snacking on semi-sweet morsels all night! So…

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Female+Recovery+PMS= Oh crap!

If you’ve ever seen or read The Vagina Monologues, “Angry Vagina” pretty much sums its up…Its a hilarious monologue about all the things women put up with. In general, I highly recommend for everyone to check out the monologues! But as I write up this post, its all I can think about that accurately portrays my feelings.

The cramps, the bloating, the cravings, the mood swings, the fatigue… and its almost uncontrollable! Like a tic! What a bitch!

In fact, yesterday actually started at 330am, for me, as I woke up with cramps. I laid in bed, desperately trying to fall back asleep, curled into the fetal position. No such luck…

As I cracked into my fortune cookie, I thought my fortune was most fitting:

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“Our perception and attitude toward any situation will determine the outcome.”

I don’t look at last night as a failure in my eating or my progress. I look at it as normal. Everyone get the munchies. Everyone has indulgent times. Everyone just needs chocolate sometimes! It happens! Even with my mini-binges the last few days, my calorie count has still been within limits. I allowed myself these treats yesterday, knowing that I am allowed to enjoy a little indulgence. I know it sounds like I’m trying to convince myself of this, and I partly am. It takes 3,500 calories to gain 1 lb. I eat to live, not live to eat. Cooking and eating are passions of mine. How can I let these eating disorders destroy my passions. I am in control.

But, wow, did I really need last night’s munchie-fest. It was good for the mind and it made my body shut up with the cravings. Plus, it made my dad smile to see me really enjoy what I was eating and not stressing about calories! (He actually asked me the calorie count of the shrimp toast! Good job, daddy!)

With all of this rambling and pseudo-inspirational mindset, I am always honest with you. After dad headed to bed and I thought I could trust myself, I began to pop a few semi-sweet morsels. After a bit of this, despite being on the phone with Barry, I knew I was getting out of hand. I was testing my own boundaries. How far could I take this? Why didn’t I tell Barry? Instead, I put on a front to him like everything was fine; Like I was proud that I allowed myself the indulgence. (I kind of was.) Bottom line, I purged. Not all of it, but the shear action, after not doing for weeks, proves I still have a long way to go.

With that said, I am sorry, dad. It was a selfish action and I know it hurts you when I hurt myself.

I just realized that many of my posts have a similar pattern: inspirational and then spiral into a black hole!

Eating disorders are a bitch!

PMS… What a Bitch!

Sista from Anotha Mista

I heard from Meaghen the other day and she got her package. Now it’s time to share it with you.

In this package I included the following:

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I added a lot more after I took this picture

Mocha Chip Balance bar- Chewy and sweet with a mild mocha flavor in the chocolate chips. Every time I enjoy some coffee-like anything, I think of Meaghan. That being said…

Dunkin Donuts Mocha Mint Ground Coffee

Primal’s Vegan Teriyaki Jerky, made from seitan- dad and I enjoy jerky as protein snack every now and then, and I got him to try this. Its a little softer than most jerky.

Walnana Cookie Muffins– it seemed only fair since she sent me the walnut butter used in making these little bites of heaven.

Unreal Candy– candy unjunked. I sent her the snickers, PB cup, and peanut M&M versions. Unreal does not use anything artificial. Even the coloring is derived from beets and tumeric and other vegetables and spices.

Coconut Peanut Butter by Earth Balance- I thought I grabbed her chunky, which is what I got hooked on, but, apparently, I grabbed creamy. Coconut can really make or break an item, but I gave it a shot. This nut butter uses coconut oil, rather than peanut oil. The coconut flavor is so mild, but adds just a pop of pizzazz.

Chia Seed cookie- its like a sugar cookie, but, gosh, it melts in your mouth!

Sunflower Thumbprint cookies- raw, and made with sunflower seed butter and preserves! Both cookies I got at the co-op and are locally made, but for the occasional special treat, totally worth the money!

White Chocolate Dipped Mixed Nut bar by Think Thin Crunch- crunchy and perfectly sweet! And while we are on the subject of white chocolate, the last item included was…

CRACK! In the form of The Fresh Market’s White Chocolate Crunch mix (which she got me addicted to).