Indulgent Weekend

After my solid nap and trip with dad to the grocery store, Frank called and offered to buy dinner. I seriously debated saying “no” but I can’t go wrong with steamed shrimp and vegetables. To help me out, dad and I split my Hot&Sour soup and my shrimp and vegetables. I ate the soup and steamed up some more veggies and saved the shrimp and vegetables for my night shift. After a nice dinner and some bill paying, I tiredly went to the couch to attempt a power nap before work. I did not get a power nap, but I got out a good cry. Last night’s episode of Glee had me balling my eyes out from the second it started. I think I cried even harder because, in all honesty, its been a pretty emotional week. I think Glee just provided me the outlet.

I can’t help but dwell on lacking a position as a nurse. I think I’m the only one I know that has not gotten hired, yet. I just don’t understand. Dad says its because I’m so used to exceeding at everything I put my mind to, that this is new concept to me. I guess he’s got a point. Since I’ve been dwelling, I can’t help but think I’ve not only let myself down, but my family… my grandparents, in particular.

I need to stop this self-pity crap! Let’s move onto the goods…

I always call work before arriving for an 11pm shift. The night shift nurses come on at 7pm and I like to see if anyone needs anything on my way in. My girlfriend, Natasha, a major support person throughout my recovery, asked if I would grab her a coffee. No prob! Easy peasy! I though I was clever, at home, before leaving as I brewed my coffee with SF french vanilla creamer and a splash of SF Pumpkin Pie syrup. Natasha is a genius! “A 16oz pumpkin coffee with Irish cream and 2 Splenda.” After I gave it a try, I felt defeated, but in a good way… This was sooooo good! My coffee had been out-done. I can’t wait to grab another!

WP_004169The weather continued to be dreary, rainy, dark, and terrible… all in time for my alternator to die! Frank was kind enough to take me to my dads at 10pm, and my dad was kind enough to lend me the truck to take to work. Thanks, guys!

Despite the miserable weather and hour-long Glee cry fest, with my adorable cuddle-buddy, I came to work in a great mood! In fact, my shift began with a fun size M&M and  a Dum Dum sucker. I was expecting to be on the floor tonight, but, alas, I would spend my final night shift of my four day span in my 1:1. My patient decided  that they wanted to stay up all night. Once your patient falls asleep on night shift, you kind of want to fall asleep, too; so I was kind of okay with that, and we began our 8 hours together with a game of Phase 10.  I made a solid point to remain standing and walking around, despite being in a single room. I took a bathroom run every 2 hours or so, refilled my water bottle frequently, and even read my book and charted while standing. I think having all the lights in the room on helped , too.

When I was relieved for my break, I went down to caf to scope out the goods. There wasn’t really much in the way of what I would consider “goods.” Nonetheless, I hit up the salad bar, grabbing an assortment of vegetables, like bell peppers, mushrooms, onions, and beets. The snack machine also caught my eye with Smartfoods Cinnamon  Brown Sugar popped chips. 100  calories for the whole bag? I’ll give it a shot…

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They weren’t great, but they weren’t terrible, either. Instead, I completed my vegetables with a miso soup packet, and later snacked on some white cheddar popcorn. ( I guess it was a Smartfoods kind of shift). Oh yeah, there was a snack size snickers in there, too… Damn bag of chocolate. As Barry says, “Chocolate makes the world go round.” My reply, “Chocolate, too, makes my belly go round.”

It was quite a fiberful and satisfying meal and I, then, returned my patient’s room. When I’m in 1:1s, I notice my posture sucks, so I made a conscious effort to try to use my core muscles to both sit and stand tall. The result was a sore pack for most of my shift. I’m glad I was standing most of the night so I could continually twist and stretch to try to relieve some pain.

After a quick powernap at dad’s he drove me to Barry’s on his way to work. We have some errands to run to get ready for the weekend ahead of us.

This weekend is going to be a doozy and all this past week I’ve been preparing myself for it. In fact, next week will probably be part of the recovery process.

Tomorrow, one of my best friend from nursing school is getting married and I could not be more happy for her!

The following day is Vendemmia (which I’m thinking might be postponed due to this terrible weather Wilmington is having)!

Oddly enough, since I’ve been stressing about calories in preparation for these events, I’ve actually eaten close to 1000 calories everyday.  I really don’t know how I feel about that…

Today is National Sausage Pizza Day. Dad and I happened to find Al Fresco Chicken Sausage on sale at the store last week and I came up with the idea to combine the best of two pizzas…

Buffalo Sausage Pizza

The Crust:WP_004183

  • 1 md to lg head of cauliflower, chopped
  • 3/4 cup fat free shredded mozzarella cheese
  • 1 tsp garlic, minced
  • 1 tsp oregano
  • 1/2 tsp parsley
  • 1/2 Tbsp corn meal

The Toppings:

  • 1/2 cup onion, thinly sliced
  • black pepper, to taste
  • 2 Laughing Cow Light Blue Cheese Wedges, room temperature
  • 1/2 tsp garlic, granulatedWP_004181
  • 1 Tbsp ranch dressing mix
  • 3 Tbsp OIKOS plain Greek yogurt
  • 1/4 tsp red pepper flakes
  • 1/4 cup fat free shredded mozzarella cheese
  • 2 Al Fresco Buffalo-style  Chicken Sausage burgers
  • 4-5 tsp hot sauce, or tobasco/pepper sauce, divided, plus more for taste, if desired
  • 1/2 tsp oregano, dried
  • 2 Tbsp reduced fat crumbled blue cheese

Preheat the oven at 400 F. Steam the chopped cauliflower. Drain and transfer to the food processor and briefly pulse the cauliflower until it is riced. Combine the warm riced cauliflower with the shredded mozzarella, liquid egg, and spices. Sprinkle a heated pizza stone or pizza pan with the cornmeal and spread the cauliflower dough evenly over top to form the crust. Bake for 20 minutes.

While the crust is baking, add the onion to a small pan, sprayed with non stick cooking spray, and cover, remaining on a low heat, tossing occasionally. Sprinkle with pepper, to taste. In another small skillet, sprayed, add the patties. Break up the patties using two spatulas, and cook over medium heat just enough to begin browning. Drain the meat, and place in a bowl. Toss the slightly browned meat with 1 tsp hot sauce, and set aside.

Remove the set crust and reduce oven temperature to 350 F. Using a spatula, slide around the crust to ensure it is not sticking to the stone. In a small cup, stir the cheese wedges, garlic, ranch, red pepper flakes, 1 tsp hot sauce, and yogurt together, until smooth. Spread the mixture over the hot, baked crust, followed by the caramelized onions. Further chop the shredded mozzarella and top the pizza. Finally, add the seasoned ground chicken. Pour any remaining hot sauce from the bowl over the top and sprinkle with oregano.

Bake for 8 minutes, turn the pizza 180 degrees, top with crumbled blue cheese, and additional 2 tsp of hot sauce. Return to the oven for another 8 minutes, slice, and serve.

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Nutritional Facts: (1/8 pizza)

Calories: 104, Fat: 2g, Sat. Fat: 1g, Cholesterol: 5mg, Sodium: 621mg, Carbs: 8g, Fiber: 1g, Sugar: 2g, Protein: 12g

I served the pizza with a tray of celery sticks and baby carrots on the side. I made a quick dipping sauce using 1 LC Blue wedge, lots of hot sauce, 1/4 cup Greek yogurt, 1 tsp ranch mix, some red pepper flakes, and 2 Tbsp of a light blue cheese dressing (like Walden Farms).

The night was completed with some marble cake our neighbor gave us. Oh my gosh, the frosting was amazing! Tempting! Fudgey! Decadent! Thats what kept us going back for nibbles.

I am completing the rest of the night with my mom and a movie!

Mad Cow

I arrived at work, last night, and was somehow relieved to be in a 1:1. I wouldn’t be tempted to nibble. I spent the next 8 hours watching movies and reading up a storm! My friend from high school was always a writer. He recently sent me a copy of his pilot for a miniseries he wrote to proof. He and I both were in theatre. I was honored to finally read his work  and took advantage of this night shift to read it. It was fantastic! His descriptions were so vivid, it was like I was watching it! I was disappointed when it ended when the pilot ended. Wheres the rest? I kept thinking, scrolling with the mouse as if I had misplaced the page on the screen. Don’t leave me hanging!

Around 2 am, I took a brief break and enjoyed the broccoli salad I had made. It was better now than it was before! It was so filling, too, that only around 5am did I start to get a bit hungry. I curbed this with two saltines and, sticking with my green theme of the night, a reduced-sodium miso soup. I love these packets! Only 25 calories and I’m content!

WP_003790It was a great shift and I felt great when I left. I then met dad at my mechanics to drop off my car. By the time we got home, I was starving. I had bought dad Dunkin to begin his day of work. I got home and wanted a breakfast sandwich. Alas, I could not bring myself to do it and I really wanted breakfast meat. I was still pleased with the end a result. I made the messiest and ugliest lean beef scrapple, swiss, and spinach omelet over half a toasted english muffin. With hot sauce, of course.

To make my day even better, I was full and spent it with my mom. We drove out to Cowtown, New Jersey and then to the Farmers Market. Unfortunately, I was surrounded by the smells of indulgence! I called this the Cowtown Devil: Its a pretzel  braid, sliced lengthwise stuffed with cheesesteak! The smell wafts around the market. Its almost impossible to resist!

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Also an irresistible treat to look forward to at Cowtown is this lemonade. Lots of places serve fresh squeezed lemonade, but Duke’s is where its at!

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I couldn’t bring myself to get either one of these treats but mom did buy me a huge container of raspberries from one of the produce stands, which helped curb my appetite.

Following the Cowtown experience, we decided to go to the Farmer’s Market. While I was there, I couldn’t bring myself to eat a thing. Not a simple thing! I did, however, find a surprise in one of the candy stores. I always get a sugar free cordial cherry, but, today, I found sugar free Chick-o-sticks! Sometimes I can’t decide if I like these of Butterfinger bites better… To make this even better, they’re bite sized! I grabbed three! Oh my! Only 17 calories each! I can live with this! I did eat one!

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That was last thing I ate until close to 7pm. Mom had once again oWP_003795rdered hoagies. I guess the fresh turkey was too much for my deprived WP_003794body to resist and ended up eating out the turkey meat from the hoagie. It was heavenly! I followed this with a box of vegetables. And then, sliced up a whole bell pepper and steamed that, as well. I was starving, but did not know it until I ate.

 

Almost immediately following the last bite, I went into a full-blown anxiety attack! I cried on the couch with Frank on one side and mom on the other. I squeezed their hands as I cried and talked myself out of purging…

Is Mad Cow disease airborne? Something set me off!

Backstreets Back

Guess what I did last night… I went to the Backstreet Boys Concert!!! Oh, and guess who opened for them… Jesse McCartney! Yeah…. my childhood on crack! I was screaming like a little girl!

I parked my car at my girlfriend’s work in Philly and a bunch of us car pooled over to the Susquehanna Bank Center, where we ate and rank out faces off in the parking lot, pre concert. I may have been seriously stressed and mildly intoxicated to the point of chowing down on mass quantities of White Cheddar popcorn! It was a day of celebration and I haven’t drank like that in a long time. I called my dad to ease my mind about the calories.

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After heading into the concert and buying my girlfriend a beer we found our seats and sang and swayed the night away! Can I just say that a 20 oz Yuengling was 13 bucks! I could bought a case for that much! Damn concerts arenas jacking up prices.

But a spectacular night! I drank my favorite, cherry vodka and soda, ate a ton of popcorn and had a blast!

Some background: The Backstreet Boys were my very first concert when I was like 6! The “Easter Bunny” got me tickets one year, and my parents captured my excited in a home video, which, to this day, cracks me up every time I watch it. Jesse McCartney was my first big girl concert, as in, the first concert I went to without a parent. So both of these groups help a little place in my heart. I may have also been obsessed with both of these groups at one point in my life.

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All the guys sounded the same! We were screaming the songs and having an all out “white girl, woo girl” night! I was smiling ear to ear!

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Of course, being intoxicated comes with a loss of inhibition and cravings of late night munchies. I indulged and nothing sat well. I ended the night, exhausted and sick in bed. But I woke up feeling great.

Totally worth it!

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WP_003569I began the morning with pizza and eggs. Sounds weird? Think about it… Pizza is the best hangover food and eggs have protein, plus restaurants actually have pizza omelets… Does sound so crazy anymore does it? I popped an Amy’s Cheese Pizza Toaster Pop in the toaster oven and threw some liquid eggs in the microwave. I sprinkled a little garlic powder on everything and went to town! Delicious!

After a glass of chocolate cereal milk, my tummy wasn’t feeling so hot, so I laid down after bringing Barry lunch to work. He, too, had a stomach ache, so I brought him Italian Peasant Soup. Its miracle soup!

I was greeted at work with this:

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In an effort to avoid temptation, I asked if I could sit with the one to one on the unit. Around 630, it was time for alight dinner of miso soup, steamed broccoli slaw and saltines. What I did not foresee was how that damn pizza taunted me. I ate half a slice, which added about 120 calories to my meal. I wasn’t too upset.

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Surprisingly, what gave me some anxiety was a packet of graham crackers and tablespoon of PB. What’s up with that? I make no sense. I opted to stay in my one to one for the rest of my shift, so snacking would not be an option.

The first half of my shift was very slow, and the second half was rather cold, despite drinking 3 cups of  hot decaf tea.

When 10pm hit, I hit a wall and was so ready for bed. I arrived home a little after 11pm and was hit with a second wind… of hunger. Damn it! I go through this every time I work evening shift, and I have, yet, to find a way to rid of this. I wound up snacking on Ritz crackers and pretzel sticks with some Honey Mustard sauce, but by the time I realized my fill and my fatigue began to creep back in, I had eaten 10 crackers and a serving of pretzels. That basically a whole meals worth of calories. I absolutely despise the 11pm snack attack! It only adds to my anxiety, I think tonight’s snack attack also had something to do with my anxiety and waiting for the results of yesterday’s exam. I yelling at myself and have a heavy chest since I realized how much I ate.

America’s Fittest Cities

WP_003309I wound up having an anxiety attack around 9 last night in the bathroom at work. I found out some troubling things on top of my already stressed out state of mind. A family had brought a big box of muffins and bagels in for us. The thought is so wonderful, but the temptation is enough to send me o er the edge. I tried ignoring it, eating another snack of graham crackers to substitute for the crunch. Eventually, I sliced a small sliver of a muffin to feel like I wasn’t completely depriving myself of it. I got my fix but, Lord, did I want to crawl in a ball and cry.

I text dad, but it didn’t seem to help. And finding out other news aided to my frustration. I was still under my calorie alottment for the day, but that doesn’t seem to matter to this crazy mind of mine, lately. For the past week, I’ve wanted snacks but cringed if I eat more than 500 calories.

I can’t have my cake and eat , too, ya know? literally!!

Things just got worse when I left work. I won’t got into details but things at home just went from bad to worse…

I ended up going to my dads house. I knew I wasn’t hungry but I wanted something. My nerves were shot and I needed crunch. I wound up going to town on these little puff nuggets of bacon cheddar poofness:

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Despite knowing I wasn’t hungry but ate anyway, I was okay. Oddly enough, I had more anxiety at work surrounded by the tempting sweets than actually bring at home eating… Sometimes being around my dad just calms me. Especially on a night like last night.

To a little better…

I began to perk up a bit after weighing myself. I haven’t done so in a month or so, which is pretty impressive for a girl who used to weigh herself everyday and spazz I’ve a tenth of kilogram difference in weight. I was very happy with the number.

As much as I wanted to be with Barry, and as wonderful as he was for driving all the way to my house at midnight to make sure I was okay, it was just a night I needed my dad.

WP_003312I had a plan in my head for today and I refused to shy away from it. I wanted to hit the farmers market and 2 other stores before work.  I woke up, feeling refreshed , and thinking it was like 9am. Nope, it was 11am! Hustling to the kitchen, I popped a Van’s Belgian Multigrain Waffles in the toaster and some eggs and Canadian bacon in the skillet. I topped the the waffle with sugar free blueberry preserves and dug in! I enjoy that sweet, buttermilky waffle with slight salt from the bacon.

I decided to have my sweet earlier rather than later, thinking it might deter my late night sweet tooth.

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Shortly after finishing my yummy sugar free chocolate pudding and grahams (and the crumbs left in the box from those Devil Food Crumb donuts), one of the nurses pulled out a birthday cake and cut into it. Damn it! Whipped cream with jimmies! Really, universe??? I cut a small sliver and may have stole the nilla wafer and strawberry that were on top. Throughout the night, I cut two more slivers of the same size and felt proud that I did not over indulge.

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Claire kept calling me to the front desk, and I kept telling her I was in the middle of something. Then I figured out why… Barry surprised me at work! I thought he was away at drill, but there he stood in camo at the front of the unit (with a diet Cherry Dr. Pepper in hand)!

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I packed a light dinner, in the form of a reduced sodium miso soup packet and threw some steamed broccolli slaw to give it a bit of texture. A cranberry apple hot tea, accompanied it…

I had a great shift, kept busy, worked well with everyone, loved my patients, and even managed to get some studying in!

This article caught my eye and I thought I’d give it a share…Top 5 Fittest Cities:

  • Minneaoplis/ St. Paul
  • DC
  • Portland
  • San Fran
  • Denver

The good news for me is that I’m kinda close to 1 of those cities… The bad news is that I’m closer to more cities of the obese list!

Delaware is ranked 26th, which, I guess, isn’t terrible… middle of the road… Where does your home rank?

I would love to hear from you about where your home ranks, how you perceive your area, and what you do to encourage fitness and over all good health?

For a graduation gift, my girlfriend got me a subscription to Fitness Magazine, which I thought was an awesome idea! I’m not the fittest, and I’m certainly no health guru, but I know a lot about health and fitness and enjoy learning about it. In fact, its kind of funny… even though I went threw my eating disorder, the girls at work still come to me for my knowledge of health and fitness!

At this point in time, I am not as active as I used to be. I think once I take my boards, I’ll pick back up. But I still park further away, take the stairs, go to Zumba, and watch what I eat, and its like that picture from yesterday said:

“No matter how slow you go, you are still lapping the people on the couch.”

Without the Blog

Without the blog… my brain feels like a tornado… Swirling around causing misplacement of thoughts, turmoil, destruction of normal thinking… utter destruction of all the progress I have made…

After the events of the last few days, I believe I have found a correlation: blogging and binging. When I don’t blog, my eating habits go down the drain, my sense of control over my life feels missing, and chaos ensues.

I know that after a day or days of little appetite, it is bound to come back and bite me in the butt. The other day, I was asked to work a double and gladly excepted. Things were going great! The shift was going well, my patients were doing well, even my eating was doing well. I packed a delicious salad for dinner.

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For the night shift portion of the evening, I had a packet of miso soup with crackers.

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And then this happened…

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Yeah… the downward spiral happened…

Just sitting around chatting with the girls and snacking away. The indulgent trail mix got me in some trouble. Which of course really got to my head, and gave me a decent belly ache. I decided the smart thing to do would be to purge. I know! Genius, right?!

I guzzled water for the next few hours or work, trying desparatley to fill myself up and flush out my system. The brain starts to think in odd ways when things go arye.

I got home, stressing out and yet I couldn’t stop eating! Why?!

I wound up making a shake, which I figure would fill me up indefinitely and I could walk away. Nope!

I would up purging, again, and completely curling into a ball for the remainder of the day. It was terrible. Throughout the rest of this week, I’ve had times of binging. The other night, I ate until I was in physical pain! Why? I don’t know? I followed this with intense purging.

I continued to question myself. Why, after all this time of success, did I fall? Everyone has days of slips, but this was repetitive.

I honestly believe its because I have not blogged. This blog is my outlet, my sancutuary. It makes me accountable for my actions. I allows me to reflect on my day, and basque in my accomplishments.

Without this blog, I’m lost.