Hectic Weekend

Saturday

Last night ended with a handful of grapes and a bunch of pretzel sticks with Honey Mustard Dip. I was able to get close to 900 calories in yesterday! It was because I listened intently to my body. I ate when I was hungry, and stopped when I felt full (although I could have ate that whole darn birthday pie, myself). After I reviewed what I ate for the day, I was happy with it. I didn’t eat too much of one thing, and I didn’t eat too little, but that damn number is still hauntingly and dauntingly eating away at me.

I thought about why I could be getting so paranoid. A few things came to mind:

  • Vendemmia (a big wine and food festival coming up)
  • my girlfriend’s wedding
  • Halloween candy
  • Thanksgiving
  • Christmas cookies

I need to be able to take these events like any other person. Just listen to myself. I know this eating disorder is something I will live with the rest of my life, but as long as there are more good days than bad, and supportive people to help get me through them, I can live with it.

Today is National Eat a Hoagie Day. Although it technically wasn’t a hoagie, I made a breakfast sandwich that was pretty tasty of eggs, Canadian bacon, hot sauce and cheddar on toast.

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A little bit later, to hold me over until work, was a bowl of Greek yogurt I i splashed some sugar free pumpkin pie spice syrup into and topped with sunflower seeds for a nutty taste. And it really did the trick!

WP_003916I couldn’t quite wait for dinner but needed something in my belly. My assignment was a bit wacky and out of the ordinary, tonight, so I decided to take advantage of a short break and enjoy a tart granny smith apple. About two hours later, I had my actual dinner.

Dinner tonight was a spinach salad topped with half a Lean Cuisine Greek-style Chicken Salad Creation (minus the croutons).

WP_003917I really liked the cucumber dill dressing that came with it! Ever since I started making dill salads I’ve started to develop a taste for the herb.

I was proud of myself. When I arrived at work, there was a bowl filled with Reese cup miniatures. I went the while shift ignoring them. 7 pm hit like a tornado and I was non stop! . When I finally got to sit down and breath, o decided a salty sweep piece of chocolate was well deserved.

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Sunday

After work, last night, dad wanted me to come over and I was surprised by how hungry I was when I left work. I went to dads house and we stayed up late snacking on veggies and salsa. We even ate half a jar of roasted red peppers! They are so tasty, plain or on a saltine. (Please excuse dad’s pile of mail… its a bachelor pad,,, what do you expect?)I even took a bite of a hoagie, and actual hoagie! It was delicious! I had the calories to spare, and I had a great time!

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The temperature seriously dropped, last night. I know I didn’t need to, but I totally put on the footie pajamas! Yes, I am an adult and adore footie pajamas!! Even my dad says how solidly I sleep when I’m in them. I love this picture dad snapped of me. Red handed with a bell pepper and a jar of salsa in my sock monkey footies! We stayed up, I don’t even know until what time, watching Monk. It used to be our Friday thing before I got sick, so I really enjoyed having that with my dad, again. Its another reminded how important my recovery is.

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The next thing I knew, it was noon, today, and my dad was waking me up. I went back to my mom’s house to grab my medication, and try to keep busy before work. I first made my Key Lime Pie protein smoothie bowl, that I’ve been craving. Instead of the usually flax or crumbled graham topping, I topped it with flax and Fiber One cereal. It was so delicious, especially paired with a coffee. I recently got a new shipment of sugar free syrups flavors and I’ve been trying them out. Today’s first mug of coffee was flavored with Pumpkin Pie Spice SF syrup, and Eggnog SF syrup. Wow!

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I ran out to the oriental market to pick up a few necessities and returned home a bit manic about eating last night at dads. I worked with my best outlet and cooked. Its not really “cooking” but I made my girlfriend a batch of the Sammy San Seaweed Salad.  I can’t wait for her to taste it! I made a final cup of joe for a pick me up before work, flavored with another new flavor, English Toffee SF syrup. I’m glad I went with a second cup of coffee, today, because work had plans to keep me busy.

WP_003923I arrived at work to a birthday cake, which I ignored the entire shift! Not like I would have had time to eat any. I barely had time to chart, let alone eat my dinner. A few animal crackers helped to finish through the night, but I could not believe how busy it was! Weekends at the hospital are usually slow! SSSSSSLLLLLOOOOOWWWWW! Its typically filled with discharges and few admissions, and a lot of coworker banter. This weekend, I was lucky if I could grab a drink or go to the bathroom. Even the nurses were feeling the heat!

I was actually kind of relieved when I had to sit 1:1 at 2030. I was finally able to chart, grab a drink, and just breath.

Nurse Cake

WP_003707As my night shift was coming to an end, my stomach began to growl around 5am. I ignored this feeling the best I could. Around 530, I caved to a sugar free fruit cup. So sue me. A 45 calorie, sugar free fruit cup is whats going to upset me? This is ridiculous.

Around 6am, some nurses began to feel the hunger. Some toast english muffins, other trail mix, but it helps me to know that I am not the only one that gets thst end of shift hunger, and it makes me feel even better to know that I made a light and wise choice of food.

Arriving home about 2 and half hours later, the 45 calorie fruit cup had worn off. I snacked on half a slice of the left over Chicken Cheesesteak Pizza, another 45 calories. How can I hate myself for that? Its like I ate a 90 calorie snack bar, but instead of it being cereal and granola based, it was fruit and veggies! Get with the program, Sammy!

I stood in the shower, praying, deep breathing, almost like I was trying to wash the eating disorder and anxiety away. I finally laid down and slept until about 4pm, Thursday (8/29)

WP_003710I woke knowing I needed to eat despite my current feelings about my body. I went with a Dannon Light&Fit Greek Key Lime yogurt and topped it with some Special K Protein cereal. Although the cereal didn’t add loads of pizzazz of flavor to the yogurt, I enjoyed the crunch and texture, and the added feeling of being full. I paired it with a large glass of sparkling water.

The remaining afternoon was spent wallowing in my own depression, laying on the couch, curled under a blanket, until Barry came over after he was done work. He spent a few hours with Frank and me watching movies. I know it wasn’t the way he hoped to spend his evening, but it was nice to have the moral support.

My dad expressed some more concern about me today. I can’t help the way I feel. The last 3 days, I have not eaten more than 600 calories. Frank suggested this could be a reason why I’ve been so tired lately. I was in the bathroom and looked at myself. All I could see, at first, was my stomach. I kept poking at at it like it was somehow pop like a balloon and deflate. I went to the scale that read 131 lbs. I like that number. I went back to the mirror to figure out why the number just didn’t seem match the body. I stared long and hard and realized that my face was beginning to thin out, again.

With an annoying headache, which I suspected to be from low blood sugar, I stir-fried some bok choy and mushrooms in 1/2 Tbsp of low sodium teriyaki sauce,1 tsp chili garlic sauce, and a splash of water. It was filling and helped rid of my headache, which was definitely what I needed before going to work.

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I headed to work, coffee in hand, still feeling like I was dragging. Its funny how as soon as I walk onto the unit, I change. I’m so lucky that I am one of those blessed people that loves their job and the people they work with! Speaking of which…

These ladies I work on night shift with completely took me by surprise! After finishing the first rounds of my 8 hour shift, I went to the break room to grab a drink. As I opened the door, the nurses were setting up a party… for Heather and me in honor of us passing our boards!

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The first thing I saw was the cake and covered my instant terror with a smile, saying, “You guys are so sweet!” They even got gluten free goodies for Heather! But then, I saw the veggie platter and salsa and fruit bowl. Heather mentioned that she could tell I had lost weight and that she was worried about me. Heather is one of the sweetest people I’ve ever met. I would love if Heather and I both got the newly available nursing positions for our unit.

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WP_003717After finishing up some rounds, I decided theres no harm in enjoying fruits and vegetable. An the the veggies with salsa! MMM so garliky! I continued to snack on the goods all night and even had the hot and sour soup I brought with me. I was stuffed by 3 am and stayed that way! I felt great! Like I had been revitalized! Suddenly, although I was full, I felt invigorated and was on a roll at work! I love that Heather was so honest with me. You know what? I even had a bite of cake. I’m not a cake fan, but ShopRite done good! The night shift crew put a good hurtin on the cake and fruit!

The shift ended strong and confidently and I cant wait to hit the sheets!

Grinding Gears

After last nights slurpee, I started thinking. I laid in bed with a pen and paper and jotted down all these ideas on how to create a Key Lime pie. The gears were grinding, and I think I’ve almost got it! Now to decide how I want to attack it!

Once again, laying in bed did nothing but prolong sleep. I laid there for hours, tossing and turning. Just like last time, my tummy began to rumble incessantly around 4am. I cut a small Fuji apple in half to shut the growling up and made another mug of decaf green tea.

The other half of the apple was finished mid-morning with some Chocolate PB2 and a cup of Blueberry and Acai Green Tea. From the second I opened the tea envelope, you get smacked in the face with an immense blueberry fragrance!

WP_003325Today, Barry and I took dad to the range and then made a quick stop at Wholefoods. (I may have finished off my Arctic Zero). With this sudden fascination with Key Lime Pie, I wanted to try it. I needed to try it. I took advantage of the bakery at Wholefoods to see if there was a mini one to get, just so I could have an idea of what flavor and consistency I should be aiming for.

Barry came over after our escapades and helped me prepare for tonight’s dinner with a nicely set table. Ever since my little cousin’s Communion party, I’ve wanted to try my hand at Chicken Marsala. Running my errands on Saturday, I bought a ton of mushrooms (this family loves the shrooms), chicken breast, and finally found Marsala wine. I was always taught never to cook with a wine I wouldn’t drink, but from my understanding, no one actually drinks Marsala wine…

I based the following off the Hungry-Girl recipe:

Chicken Marsala

WP_003330serves 8

  • 3-4 large boneless, skinless chicken breasts (about 3/4 of a pound)
  • salt and pepper
  • dried basil
  • 5 cups of fresh sliced mushrooms
  • 1 Tbsp minced garlic
  • 3/4 cup Marsala wine
  • 1 1/2 Tbsp cornstarch
  • 1 1/2  cups fat free low sodium chicken broth
  • 3 Tbsp Brummel and Brown yogurt spread
  • 1 Tbsp reduced fat grated Parmesan cheese
  • 1/8 tsp salt
  • 1/4 tsp, plus 1/8 tsp black pepper

WP_003326Fillet the chicken breast. Place the fillet between two pieces of saran wrap, or in a plastic bag, and, using a meat tenderizer, release your frustration out on some chicken breast, flattening to about 1/2 inch thickness. Spray a large skillet with nonstick cooking spray and place the flattened chicken in the  skillet over medium heat. Season the top side of the chicken with salt, pepper, and dried basil, to your liking, Only cook one side of the breast, and remove from the skillet.

While chicken is cooking, melt the low calorie buttery spread in in the microwave. In a bowl, combine the melted butter, wine, and chicken broth. Whisk in cornstarch until completely dissolve, and set aside.

Re spray the skillet and add sliced mushrooms and garlic. Toss until the mushrooms sweat down. Move the mushrooms to one side of the pan, and place the chicken breast back into skillet, uncooked side down. Re-whisk the wine mixture and pour into skillet. Continue to cook all the chicken, and plate. Combine grated cheese, salt, and pepper. Top the platter with grater Parm blend and serve.

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With amount of gravy this recipe makes, I stole some of it to steam the broccoli with and to re-moisten and steam some pilaf Frank threw together. Yay team effort. Dads contribution was “taste tester.”

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Following dinner, Barry and I sat down for a movie and dessert. Cookies and Cream Arctic Zero, for me, and a Blueberry Cheesecake Milkshake for Barry.WP_003337

Middle Names

The Highs and Lows, The Hots and Colds

With everything going on at home, I went back to my dads place after work, last night. On my way, dad called and asked for me to pick up Chinese. I agreed on the condition that he deseed a cucumber for me while I picked it up the food. I ordered the steamed veggies with chicken and a soup. Dad really loved the mix that I threw together for him, so much that we pulled out broccolini from the freezer and steamed them up. I was really proud of myself. I can’t feel bad about eating steamed vegetables. I was at my calories for the day. Okay, the fortune cookie out me over. Haha! To end on a sweet note, I made a mug of Diet Swiss Miss. Because I love you, readers so much, I’ll tell you my secret for irresistible hot chocolate… Cinnamon and vanilla extract.

With my belly full of veggie, not jelly, I ended the night with some daddy- daughter Monk time, as in we yawn and belch and attempt to watch the end of the episode.

The thing about eating disorders, depression, and just over female-ism is that you become almost plagued by highs and lows. I had a great night but as the night went on, anxiety  started to creep up.  I ignored it and fell asleep.

This morning, it wasn’t so easy to shun away. Sundays at dads usually begin with a nice omelet, meat, and coffee, but since I’ve had some late night splurges these last few days… Way to pray on my late night weakness, dad! (just kidding)

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It began with a toasted morning glory scone that I made a few month back ( they freeze pretty well) and a Dannon Light &Fit Toasted Coconut Vanilla Greek yogurt Blend, and a mug of mocha.I love how the sweet coconut and carrots and earthy flax and figs in my scone played off the sweet and tart yogurt. The day began as normal for dad with scrapple, egg, and cheese sandwich, and a mug of coffee. The sandwich must have been pretty darn good because by the time I had toasted my scone and came to eat it, half of dad’s sandwich was already in his tummy. This was the only pic I was able to snap of it! Haha!

(Want to make a simple mocha? 1 packet of Diet Swiss Miss, stirred into a mug of hot coffee and 1 Splenda packet!)

I spent my morning at his place… but the pressure in my chest wasn’t going away. Before I left for work, I tried to be good, so I put a little PB on a slice of light rye. Stop freaking, Sammy! I headed off to work, knowing that what I packed for tonight was great, and praying no one was bringing in any treats!

WP_003322After finishing a bunch of work, my belly started to growl.  I switched it up a bit, tonight, with sugar free vanilla pudding, instead of chocolate, with grahams! (I know… I’m a rebel!) It hit the spot and held me over for the new few hours, while I was busy at work. Eventually, Claire pulled me out of busy work to head down to the caf. I grabbed some condiments for dinner, a diet iced tea, and a decaf coffee, and headed back to my unit to finally enjoy my Amy ‘s Tofu Scramble Pocket for dinner!

WP_003323Since I have never had this before, I had no idea how it would take. While in the microwave, I sprinkled it with chili powder. (My history with tofu scrambles is that hot sauce and chili powder are necessary). A scoop of salsa? Hot sauce? Ketchup? Sweet and Sour Sauce? What is a girl to do? Try them all, duh!

I was surprised that I did not care for the hot sauce with this pocket, but the ketchup, the sweet and sour, and the salsa all were decent pairings. I really enjoyed this pocket and was surprised by how much I actually did like it! In fact, I told dad that I’m picking up another one when we go to Wholefoods, tomorrow!

I finished my late shift with a positive attitude, happy with my eating for the day. I headed to 7-11 to grab myself a sugar free Key Lime Creme Slurpee! Ya know, ironically, despite my love of all things Key Lime flavored, I’ve never actually had Key Lime Pie!

WP_003324I do believe I will have to make a Bundo Key Lime Pie… what do you think?

My Sunday is winding down now, even though its technically Monday morning, now. As I am laying in bed, finishing this post, I wanted something sweet and crunchy. I remembered that on my grocery store trips, yesterday, I found these awesome 110 calorie drumsticks called Lil’ Drums! Theres a bunch of different flavors, but I got the Cinnamunch: vanilla ice cream with a touch of caramel and cinnamon, a small sprinkling of pralines and caramel drizzle. It was awesome and the perfect size! No guilt, just a crunchy cone, and sweet treat! It even had the chocolate plug at the bottom of the cone! Awesome!

Want to talk about hot and cold? Now I’m drinking a mug of decaf hot green tea to relax. Either way, today started a little rocky, emotionally, and is ending well!

Middle Names

The other day, I got into a conversation with a woman in the caf about names. “I have a Samantha at home, too,” she says to me, “but you go by Sammy?” I replied jokingly, “Yeah, except when im in trouble, then my mom yells, ‘Samantha Marie’!” “Thats her name, too,” she said!

What a coincidinck! It got me thinking about names. Every year, they, I don’t know who ‘they’ are, but they release the baby names of the year. I know a lot of the older names or new aged names have been popular the last few like Aiden and Emma. But what about middle names? Growing up, I knew many girls with the middle name, Marie, and at work last night, the nurses and I were talking. A lot of them have Marie as their middle names, too!

Samantha Marie, Kimberly Marie, Kristina Marie, Jillian Marie, Claire Marie…

I got curious and according to ChaCha, the most common female middle name is Marie, and the male is Alan. I wasn’t to surprised by Marie, but Alan kind of threw me for a loop. I was expecting Matthew or Joseph, but not Alan!

What’s your middle name?

OIKOS Smoothies Morning

I was sent a recipe for a South Beach Mango Lassi a week or so ago, and with my recent obsession with Indian food, I was more then apt to try it.  Lassies are a traditional yogurt-based drink that you will find on any Indian restaurant menu.

I whipped out a plain OIKOS and told Frank I was making a smoothie, to which he replied, “Will you make me one, too? I just bought yogurt.”

I typically like to add a scoop of protein to my smoothies for staying power, but since I’m out of vanilla, I had to stick with the God gave me.

Frank has been wanting me to make him a Key Lime shake for a while, now and since he had OIKOS Key Lime Greek yogurt, thats what I whipped up. (By the way, if you’ve never had Greek yogurt, this is the stuff to suck you in!)

Key Lime Smoothie/Shake1 5.3oz OIKOS Key Lime Greek yogurt

1 tsp sugar free lime jello mix

ice

1/3 cup milk

water

protein, optional

Combine and blend!

Mango Lassi Smoothie3/4 cup frozen mango

1 5.3oz plain OIKOS Greek yogurt

1 Tbsp granulated Splenda

ice

water

pinch of cardamom

Blend away!

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I planned on taking a walk to the supermarket to pick up some ingredients for some recipes, but as I currently type this post on the pouch, thunder and rain has set in. Change of plans, I guess.

Warning: Gross Alert! 

Before the wind picked up and retiring from the porch, I was typing away, when out of the corner of my eye pounces Bunny. In mid-air, this crazy cat caught a bird! Are you kidding me?

I couldn’t believe it! I was stunned and mortified, and disgusted, and for some awful reason, I could not look away! I called Barry and told him what happened. Only one word found its way out of my mouth, “Ewwwwww.”

“Can you say anything else?” he asked. “Ehhhhhhhhhh.”

I was disturbed. The image is scared in my head as Bunny chomped away at the poor birdie.

Later today…

It really came down today, so I went to the store to pick up the last few things I needed for this weeks recipes! Something was on my mind today, I don’t know exactly what, put something we definitely there. To keep myself busy, I decided to, can you guess, did a little cooking. Stay Tuned!

WP_003251Barry came over after work and I left terrible that I didn’t go to his place tonight. Barry leaves this weekend for army duty and he and I both work this week, so our time is pretty limited together. I was in a funk, with a knotted stomach, and a little dizzy.

After Barry headed home, mom and I ran to Wawa to grab a little gingie (ginger ale), and i finally found it! Diet Cherry Dr. Pepper! I finally got my fix. Knowing I needed something in my tummy, mom and I split a can of Campbell’s Chunky Split Pea & Ham soup.

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With a little salt and pepper, this stuff was delicious! It was probably the best canned split pea I’ve ever had. There were big chunks of potato and carrots, and ham! Not little pieces of ham… big chunks of ham! And it was filling!

Low-Carb Pizza

I loved sleeping in this morning!

I didn’t want to eat anything too heavy this morning, so I pulled out another new yogurt to try: Chobani Key Lime Crumble Greek yogurt. When I bought it, I thought “mmmm grahams and yogurt.” When I peeled back the foil, I noticed white chocolate chips in with the graham!

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SCORE!

I sprinkled a little ground flax on top to play off the graham! Perfecto! Sweet, tart, crunchy!

My girlfriend Megan (not Meaghen from NY, Megan from clinical) told me about this recipe awhile back and I knew it was a must-make meal! Megan is someone I guess you could say admire. Shes a runner and lives a very healthy lifestyle. She also is one of the people that helped smack me back into reality with me eating disorder. Because of her, I found running as an amazing outlet for my crazy days! Thanks, Megan, not just for the recipe, but for helping me find myself again, the healthy way.

Cauli- CrustWP_001242

1 md head of cauliflower, riced

1/2 cup fat free shredded mozzarella

1/4 cup liquid egg whites

2 cloves garlic, minced

spices, to taste

I used Italian seasonings like basil, oregano, black pepper, garlic, and parsley. Give this a good mix and spread onto a pizza stone or baking sheet and bake at 400 F for about 20 min.

Remove from the oven, and top with whatever you please. Since its a Friday during Lent, I’m utilizing yesterday’s crock pot recipe and topping the crust with roasted vegetables, pesto,  2 sticks, grated, of Weight Watcher’s smoked mozzarella, and another 1/4 cup of shredded fat free mozzarella!

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The original recipe calls for 1 cup of cheese, but I used 1/2 and chopped it into smaller pieces to ensure it was equally spread throughout.

Everyone really liked the unique and crisp flavor of the crust! This meal was a big hit! We already started discussing other ways to play with the recipe!

I was the queen of procrastination, today! Rather than watching lectures, I loaded the dish washer, cooked and baked, unloaded the dishwasher, re-loaded it with the dishes I had just made, got on the phone with dad to harass him about when her was coming over for dinner, cleaned off the kitchen table, and right as I was going to go back to the lectures, dad came over… good timing!

I baked one of my favorite breakfast/desserts! I had it for the first time in NY with Meaghen, and wanted to play around with it to make it myself! Success! I’ll share the recipe to my Cranberry Walnut Apple Pear Crumb Cake with you tomorrow! (I say dessert because its great warm, with a scoop of vanilla froyo!)

I’m off to study!