God’s Doors

“When one door closes, another one opens.”

Right? Right? I keep saying this to myself, but all I hear is crickets. My sleep was cut short on Tuesday by a phone call from my manager. Yes, the call I’ve been waiting for! I answered the phone with a smile on my face, only to end the conversation by choking back tears. Not tears of joy. Tears of dissapointment, hurt, defeat, confusion, sinicism, anger,and utter shock.

I didn’t get the job. The unit I have worked on for over 2 years has denied me the position as a Registered Nurse. After my inital cry and mildly-sorrow-numbing Babyruth, I called my parents, only to break out into tears, again.

What was I to do? Grant it, interviewing for this position did not stop me from applying elswhere, but after my interview, last week, I knew this position was mine! How could I have misjudged this?

I called my manger back after the inital conversation and requested advice for things I should improve on for my next interview. My request was followed by a snow cloud of, excuse me, bullshit. The further my manger went into an explaination, the more I and Frank, were convinced this was NOT his real reasons for denying me.

Unfortunatley, eating disorders are very real problems that can affect anyone. This time, last year, my job was being threatened by mine. In fact, my manger has asked me to resign, to which I refused. This current conversation with my manger had me fully convinced that the eating disorder played a key role in his decison.

I was happy for Heather, who got one of the positions. I knew she was a shoein! My happiness for her, did not outweigh my own disappointment, however. I spent the entire day on an emotion rollercoaster, reviewing the time since I came back from my FMLA… my interview, my work performance,  the interactions I’ve had between my team members, patients, and families… everything. No one… not me, my parents, my co-workers.. no one could figure out why they had made this decision.

To further feel beat down, I recieved an email congratulating the two candidates that had been offered the positions. As if the email didn’t rub it in enough, I was even more devestated when I read the other girl was actually a classmate of mine, who I had just graduated with.

How? How? How could this have happened?

It took everything in me to go to work that night. Not only was I physically tired from the lack of sleep, I was mentally drained and put down.  I almost called out. How was I supposed to face these people that just rejected me? I knew calling out would be unproffessional and immature, but as I began my walk from the parking garage to the hospital, I stopped dead in my tracks. I felt like the kid that peed her pants and no is reurning back to school for all the kids to laugh at her.

I had to call my dad, who gave me a pep talk as I made my way to my unit. Is it my unit, still? Is it a unit, now? What am I doing here? I tried my best to put on my big girl pants as I entered the closed unit. I was greeted with hugs, “awwws,” kind words, and “I’m sorry Sammy”s, as though someone had died.

I think in a way, I did. My spirit died. A piece of me had gone missing. I’m empty. Where do I belong, now, if not on this unit?

The team was wonderful, as they all lent me sympathy, and validated my feelings. What will I do without this team? This is my family.

I keep telling myself that I need to let God do His thing. He has a plan for me, and although the journey has been bumpy, and the road is looking pretty bleak, He has an ultimate plan for me. And where that takes me, I’ll find true pleasure and happiness.

No matter how many times I remind myself of this, the pain is still there. The dissapointment, and ever dwindling selft worth continues to daunt my thoughts.

Something will happen. Things will turn around. I wouldn’t have been through all that I”ve been through, to end here.

When God closes one door, He opens another.

The Caramel Custard Experience

Thursday

I had a tricky time sleeping last night… just too much nervous energy and making mental notes of things to say in my interview.

Today was the day I have been looking ofrward to for over 2 years: interviewing for a nursing position on my unit. There were so many candidates! I believe there are 12 people interviewing for 2 positions! Talk about pressure!

I woke up before my alarm went off and took the early rising as a sign to be productive. I turned on OnDemand and completed a few 10 minute workouts, and followed it with some hula hooping. I felt energized, and get showered and stressed for my interview with a clear mind. The nerves did not kick in until I walked into the conference room, where I was greeted by 7 familiar faces: my 2 managers, the head CNA, and 4 nurses. I don’t think I stopped smiling the entire time! I bet I looked like a complete idiot! I couldn’t help it! Not only was getting this interview like a dream, but I felt great about my interview! I walked out feeling calm and confident. I pray that this is sign of good news to come!

Please keep me in your prayers.

Arriving home, I was surprised how hungry I was, despite my late night nervous eating, I whipped up a shake. Today is National Caramel Custard Day. I recalled a Hungry Girl recipe for quick caramel custard, but I thought of one myself to experiment with. My final decision was to make both and decide which one I liked best. I opted for the experiment for breakfast and assumed it would keep me full until my next meal, and that the unusal ingredient was add a different texture to the shake bowl.

  • 1/2 to 1 scoop vanilla proteinWP_004113
  • 1 sugar free Creme Brulee rice pudding cup
  • 2 tsp SF caramel syrup
  • water
  • ice
  • few dashes of cinnamon
  • Spinach and xanthum, optional

I was right! It kept me full until I later woke up from a nap to head off to work! I expected the rice in the rice pudding to add a thicker consistancy, but it actually just blened with everything else. I quite enjoyed it.

I was soo thankful to have slept this afternoon! I woke up feeling refreshed and pleased that my hair and makeup still looked great. Don’t you love when that happens? Especially if you wake up that way! It was time for the Hungry-girl version:

  • 1/2 to 1 scoop vanilla proteinWP_004117
  • 1/2 cup OIKOS non fat plain Greek yogurt
  • 2 tsp SF caramel syrup
  • 1 Splenda packet
  • water
  • ice
  • few dashes of cinnamon
  • spinach and xanthum, optional

This one felt a little lighter, but I had to add sooo much xanthum to thicken it. Both were tasty! The rice pudding-based bowl was a bit thicker and sweeter, while the HG bowl had that Greek yogurt smoothie tartness.

WP_004118I thought the protein from the yogurt would keep me super full but after my rounds at work, I scarfed a Granny Smith! It was delicious, tart, and hit the spot! I also brought my Bubba Keg again, filled with coffee. I fell in love with a new sugar free creamer from Coffee Mate. The name “Italian Sweet Creme” caught my eye and when I read the nutrition label and saw it was on sale, it was a done deal! I haven’t regretted my decision! It soooo good!

So, fellow foodies, which do think would taste better? Try them out and and let me know!

Friday

WP_004115I was on the floor for the first 4 hours of my shift and spent the remaining 8 in the 1:1. Around 3am or so, I was happy to step out of the room to eat. I was pretty hungry! Either that, or I was really looking forward to my meal! I actually ate a meal of 250 calories! Thats a pretty big accomplishment for me on a night shift! I had packed a romaine salad and including a bunch of different add-ins: chopped pickles, cucumbers, onions, baby carrots, some roasted and unsalted sunflower seeds, bacon crumbles, and dried fruit. The dried fruit was something I forgot I had! It was a Raw Superfruit Mix by  Extreme Health USA. Before buying this blend, I had no idea some of these berries existed: mulberries, sweet and tart golden berries, goji berries, and blueberries. To finish off the salad, I warmed up the Tostito’s Cantina Chipotle Salsa. It was spectacular! I wanted something else throughout the remainder of my shift and ate a knock-off Apple Cinnamon Nutri-grain bar. I typically, don’t find these satisfying, but the mix up from my normal snacks made it pretty enjoyable.

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The killer of my shift was working with some of the nurses that I interviewed with earlier in the day. They were completely stone-walling me!  A hint!  Anything! Throw me a bone!

Simple Days and Giant Strawberries

Eating was simple today.

The first half of the day amounted to about 4 net carbs. HAHA

During break, today, in clinical, I sat down to a cup of coffee and an a Blueberry Almond Atkins Baked Square. I liked how filling it was and the big chunks of almonds and blueberries in every bite! The drizzle of icing was a nice sweet touch, as well.

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Not having something to drink after clinical, I enjoyed my emergency lunch that I always keep in the car: Atkins Wild Berry Day Break Shake.

Dinner was far too simple, as it was a bowl of Campbell’s Chunky Healthy Request Grilled Chicken and Sausage Gumbo with some Brown Rice Sweet Tomato Basil Triscuits.

The highlight, or should I say shocker, of the day was the strawberries! I went to the store on my way home to grab strawberries, which I saw were on sale. I couldn’t believe how big these babies were! I bought two pints.  I had to! I couldn’t pass it up!

Check it out! Its the size of my palm! And, boy, it was good!

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I have so many strawberries in my tummy right now!

So like I said, a pretty simple day.

But what is NOT so simple, is the paperwork due by next week! It feels like all I do is sit in front of my laptop!

On the bright side, I submitted my first job application for a nursing position! Wish me luck!

Heres a little picture I acquired during my geriatric rotation that I found humorous:

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