Mad Cow

I arrived at work, last night, and was somehow relieved to be in a 1:1. I wouldn’t be tempted to nibble. I spent the next 8 hours watching movies and reading up a storm! My friend from high school was always a writer. He recently sent me a copy of his pilot for a miniseries he wrote to proof. He and I both were in theatre. I was honored to finally read his work  and took advantage of this night shift to read it. It was fantastic! His descriptions were so vivid, it was like I was watching it! I was disappointed when it ended when the pilot ended. Wheres the rest? I kept thinking, scrolling with the mouse as if I had misplaced the page on the screen. Don’t leave me hanging!

Around 2 am, I took a brief break and enjoyed the broccoli salad I had made. It was better now than it was before! It was so filling, too, that only around 5am did I start to get a bit hungry. I curbed this with two saltines and, sticking with my green theme of the night, a reduced-sodium miso soup. I love these packets! Only 25 calories and I’m content!

WP_003790It was a great shift and I felt great when I left. I then met dad at my mechanics to drop off my car. By the time we got home, I was starving. I had bought dad Dunkin to begin his day of work. I got home and wanted a breakfast sandwich. Alas, I could not bring myself to do it and I really wanted breakfast meat. I was still pleased with the end a result. I made the messiest and ugliest lean beef scrapple, swiss, and spinach omelet over half a toasted english muffin. With hot sauce, of course.

To make my day even better, I was full and spent it with my mom. We drove out to Cowtown, New Jersey and then to the Farmers Market. Unfortunately, I was surrounded by the smells of indulgence! I called this the Cowtown Devil: Its a pretzel  braid, sliced lengthwise stuffed with cheesesteak! The smell wafts around the market. Its almost impossible to resist!

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Also an irresistible treat to look forward to at Cowtown is this lemonade. Lots of places serve fresh squeezed lemonade, but Duke’s is where its at!

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I couldn’t bring myself to get either one of these treats but mom did buy me a huge container of raspberries from one of the produce stands, which helped curb my appetite.

Following the Cowtown experience, we decided to go to the Farmer’s Market. While I was there, I couldn’t bring myself to eat a thing. Not a simple thing! I did, however, find a surprise in one of the candy stores. I always get a sugar free cordial cherry, but, today, I found sugar free Chick-o-sticks! Sometimes I can’t decide if I like these of Butterfinger bites better… To make this even better, they’re bite sized! I grabbed three! Oh my! Only 17 calories each! I can live with this! I did eat one!

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That was last thing I ate until close to 7pm. Mom had once again oWP_003795rdered hoagies. I guess the fresh turkey was too much for my deprived WP_003794body to resist and ended up eating out the turkey meat from the hoagie. It was heavenly! I followed this with a box of vegetables. And then, sliced up a whole bell pepper and steamed that, as well. I was starving, but did not know it until I ate.

 

Almost immediately following the last bite, I went into a full-blown anxiety attack! I cried on the couch with Frank on one side and mom on the other. I squeezed their hands as I cried and talked myself out of purging…

Is Mad Cow disease airborne? Something set me off!

Nurse Cake

WP_003707As my night shift was coming to an end, my stomach began to growl around 5am. I ignored this feeling the best I could. Around 530, I caved to a sugar free fruit cup. So sue me. A 45 calorie, sugar free fruit cup is whats going to upset me? This is ridiculous.

Around 6am, some nurses began to feel the hunger. Some toast english muffins, other trail mix, but it helps me to know that I am not the only one that gets thst end of shift hunger, and it makes me feel even better to know that I made a light and wise choice of food.

Arriving home about 2 and half hours later, the 45 calorie fruit cup had worn off. I snacked on half a slice of the left over Chicken Cheesesteak Pizza, another 45 calories. How can I hate myself for that? Its like I ate a 90 calorie snack bar, but instead of it being cereal and granola based, it was fruit and veggies! Get with the program, Sammy!

I stood in the shower, praying, deep breathing, almost like I was trying to wash the eating disorder and anxiety away. I finally laid down and slept until about 4pm, Thursday (8/29)

WP_003710I woke knowing I needed to eat despite my current feelings about my body. I went with a Dannon Light&Fit Greek Key Lime yogurt and topped it with some Special K Protein cereal. Although the cereal didn’t add loads of pizzazz of flavor to the yogurt, I enjoyed the crunch and texture, and the added feeling of being full. I paired it with a large glass of sparkling water.

The remaining afternoon was spent wallowing in my own depression, laying on the couch, curled under a blanket, until Barry came over after he was done work. He spent a few hours with Frank and me watching movies. I know it wasn’t the way he hoped to spend his evening, but it was nice to have the moral support.

My dad expressed some more concern about me today. I can’t help the way I feel. The last 3 days, I have not eaten more than 600 calories. Frank suggested this could be a reason why I’ve been so tired lately. I was in the bathroom and looked at myself. All I could see, at first, was my stomach. I kept poking at at it like it was somehow pop like a balloon and deflate. I went to the scale that read 131 lbs. I like that number. I went back to the mirror to figure out why the number just didn’t seem match the body. I stared long and hard and realized that my face was beginning to thin out, again.

With an annoying headache, which I suspected to be from low blood sugar, I stir-fried some bok choy and mushrooms in 1/2 Tbsp of low sodium teriyaki sauce,1 tsp chili garlic sauce, and a splash of water. It was filling and helped rid of my headache, which was definitely what I needed before going to work.

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I headed to work, coffee in hand, still feeling like I was dragging. Its funny how as soon as I walk onto the unit, I change. I’m so lucky that I am one of those blessed people that loves their job and the people they work with! Speaking of which…

These ladies I work on night shift with completely took me by surprise! After finishing the first rounds of my 8 hour shift, I went to the break room to grab a drink. As I opened the door, the nurses were setting up a party… for Heather and me in honor of us passing our boards!

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The first thing I saw was the cake and covered my instant terror with a smile, saying, “You guys are so sweet!” They even got gluten free goodies for Heather! But then, I saw the veggie platter and salsa and fruit bowl. Heather mentioned that she could tell I had lost weight and that she was worried about me. Heather is one of the sweetest people I’ve ever met. I would love if Heather and I both got the newly available nursing positions for our unit.

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WP_003717After finishing up some rounds, I decided theres no harm in enjoying fruits and vegetable. An the the veggies with salsa! MMM so garliky! I continued to snack on the goods all night and even had the hot and sour soup I brought with me. I was stuffed by 3 am and stayed that way! I felt great! Like I had been revitalized! Suddenly, although I was full, I felt invigorated and was on a roll at work! I love that Heather was so honest with me. You know what? I even had a bite of cake. I’m not a cake fan, but ShopRite done good! The night shift crew put a good hurtin on the cake and fruit!

The shift ended strong and confidently and I cant wait to hit the sheets!

One Slice Wit Wiz

Today began with a plan: Refrain Run to the store, grab cat food, swing by the garage and grab my bike, put air in the tire, ride it home and enjoy a shake. Things went just as planned, except for the fact that I left the key to the garage at home. Yay, for Frank being awake because he ran it over to me. It inspired him and he proposed that he grab his bike and we ride together! After walking our deflated bikes to the gas station, we rode them home.

I forgot the muscle groups biking works. My quads hated me! It was so great to see Frank on a bike! He was smiling, and really enjoying himself! This brief little bike ride set us up for a great day of decisions!

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While I prepared our shakes, Frank brewed some coffee. I made Frank a Banana Blondie shake, which is just the Blondie recipe with a banana, and a Butterfinger shake bowl for me, which is a Blondie shake with chocolate protein mix, rather than vanilla. I threw a handful of spinach in mine for a little added vitamins.

After some conversation and mild house chores, and preparation for tonight’s dinner, Frank and I sat down to lunch. A yummy salad! I threw my random, last piece of tempeh from the fridge, the last of the olives, and sliced the last of the onion to make my light lunch. The picture kind of looks like a face…

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I don’t know about you, but I LOVE a good cheesesteak! What  I don’t love is the typical carbs, fat, and excessive calories that go with it. With my new Chicken Steak-Umms screaming my name from the freezer, this was created!

Chicken Cheesesteak Pizza

serves 4-8

The Crust:

  • 1 md to lg head of cauliflower, chopped
  • 3/4 cup fat free shredded mozzarella cheese
  • 1 tsp garlic, minced
  • 1 tsp oregano
  • 1/2 tsp parsley
  • 1/2 Tbsp corn meal

WP_003692The Topping:

  • 1 md bell pepper, sliced
  • 1/2 md onion, sliced
  • 1 cup mushrooms, chopped
  • 1 tsp garlic, minced
  • 4 slices Chicken Steak-Umm
  • black pepper, to taste
  • 2 Tbsp fat free shredded cheddar cheese

The Wiz:

  • 2 Tbsp non fat sour cream
  • 2 slices fat free cheddar cheese

Preheat the oven at 400 F. Steam the chopped cauliflower. Drain and transfer to the food processor and briefly pulse the cauliflower until it is riced. Combine the warm riced cauliflower with the shredded mozzarella, liquid egg, and spices.

Spray a pan well with non stick cooking spray. Add the sliced peppers, cover with a lid, and allow to cook for 9 minutes on the lowest heat. Add the sliced onions, minced garlic, chopped mushrooms, and black pepper, recover, and maintaining the lowest heat setting, allow the vegetables to cook down for 15 to 20 minutes, stirring occasionally.

WP_003693Sprinkle a heated pizza stone or pizza pan with the cornmeal and spread the cauliflower dough evenly over top to form the crust. Bake for 20 minutes. While the crust is baking, remove the steamed vegetables and give them a rough chop. In the pan used to make the vegetables, tear the chicken Steak-Umm slices, season with pepper, and cook. Get your hands messy and toss the chopped vegetables and chicken together.

WP_003694By this time the crust should be done. Remove the crust from the oven. Using a spatula, ensure the crust is not sticking. Sprinkle the shredded cheddar on the hot crust. Then, top with the vegetables and chicken steak mix. Return to the oven for an additional 10 to 12 minutes.

Remove from the oven. In a microwaveable cup, break the slices of cheese and sour cream. Microwave for 30 seconds, stirring every 7 seconds or so. Drizzle the wiz over the pizza, slice, and serve!

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We ate dinner with big refreshing salads. Dad topped his slices with crushed red pepper flakes. Dinner with my daddies!

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Haha! I told my dad that dinner would be ready as soon as I “drizzle my wiz.” He said, “Okay, Snoop. Drizzle your wizzle, dog.” Hahah!

To end the night, Frank and I sat on the porch and enjoyed a sugar free Cherry Popsicle for National Cherry Popsicle Day!

Its early to bed, for me tonight. I am quite sleepy. See you in the AM.

PMS… What a Bitch!

After dad and I were greeted back to Delaware with a brief down pour of rain, we heated up the remaining pizza from the Sawmill, and a small buffalo chicken cheesesteak for dad and I went for some frozen veggies.

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The last few days, I’ve been wanting all things sweet, salty, and crunchy. Peanut M&M! Pretzel sticks! Semi-sweet morsels! Almond Joy! Butterfinger! Cookie dough! Crunchy ice cream! Chinese food!  Yeah, I was all over it, last night!

Give me Sweet, Salty, Crunchy, Indulgence! NOW!!!!

Last night was it! Yesterday was a fabulous day with dad in seaside! It began with breakfast, which I pre-planned in MyFitnessPal the night before. I also planned on having a bite or so of Sawmill pizza, which I put into my calorie counter. By the time I had gotten home, last night, my calories were enough to allow for dinner and a treat! Time to play it safe.

I microwaved some green beans and broccoli. That just wasn’t cutting it. Ah, some cantaloupe from the farm market should help… Nope. Popcorn! 94% fat free… safe choice, good for chewing, and popping… Still not doing it. Maybe a few semi-sweet morsels… Mmm salty popcorn and chocolate. That’s what I want! I need salty, sweet, crunch! 

I allowed myself a nice treat! I quickly popped a few M&Ms and dialed the Chinese restaurant around the corner. Dad and I split a Hot and Sour soup and an order of shrimp toast. Many people have no clue what shrimp toast is. Essentially, its a shrimp- “imperial” like mixture on a slice of bread that is covered in panko and deep fried. I like to dip mine in the mustard and duck sauce mixed together. Here’s the deal… It’s not exactly in the lowest calories, lowest fat content categories…

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I haven’t had shrimp toast in almost two years. When my eating disorder set in, I swore off all things fried, breaded, and ordered out. I’ve learned that even though I usually have melt downs after tasting any of these foods, its okay to treat yourself. I don’t do it every day… I’m  slowly learning to incorporate treats in my life in a way that is in moderation and good for my mind and body. (I have lots of recipes for shrimp toast so I think I’m going to Bundo-ize this typically unhealthy splurge).

Back to the point of this post… PMS is a bitch. I’m human, and a female, at that. Before I got sick, I was never really a sweets person. I was big because my portions were large and I didn’t exercise. Ever  since recovery, I have loved chocolate! In fact, I was snacking on semi-sweet morsels all night! So…

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Female+Recovery+PMS= Oh crap!

If you’ve ever seen or read The Vagina Monologues, “Angry Vagina” pretty much sums its up…Its a hilarious monologue about all the things women put up with. In general, I highly recommend for everyone to check out the monologues! But as I write up this post, its all I can think about that accurately portrays my feelings.

The cramps, the bloating, the cravings, the mood swings, the fatigue… and its almost uncontrollable! Like a tic! What a bitch!

In fact, yesterday actually started at 330am, for me, as I woke up with cramps. I laid in bed, desperately trying to fall back asleep, curled into the fetal position. No such luck…

As I cracked into my fortune cookie, I thought my fortune was most fitting:

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“Our perception and attitude toward any situation will determine the outcome.”

I don’t look at last night as a failure in my eating or my progress. I look at it as normal. Everyone get the munchies. Everyone has indulgent times. Everyone just needs chocolate sometimes! It happens! Even with my mini-binges the last few days, my calorie count has still been within limits. I allowed myself these treats yesterday, knowing that I am allowed to enjoy a little indulgence. I know it sounds like I’m trying to convince myself of this, and I partly am. It takes 3,500 calories to gain 1 lb. I eat to live, not live to eat. Cooking and eating are passions of mine. How can I let these eating disorders destroy my passions. I am in control.

But, wow, did I really need last night’s munchie-fest. It was good for the mind and it made my body shut up with the cravings. Plus, it made my dad smile to see me really enjoy what I was eating and not stressing about calories! (He actually asked me the calorie count of the shrimp toast! Good job, daddy!)

With all of this rambling and pseudo-inspirational mindset, I am always honest with you. After dad headed to bed and I thought I could trust myself, I began to pop a few semi-sweet morsels. After a bit of this, despite being on the phone with Barry, I knew I was getting out of hand. I was testing my own boundaries. How far could I take this? Why didn’t I tell Barry? Instead, I put on a front to him like everything was fine; Like I was proud that I allowed myself the indulgence. (I kind of was.) Bottom line, I purged. Not all of it, but the shear action, after not doing for weeks, proves I still have a long way to go.

With that said, I am sorry, dad. It was a selfish action and I know it hurts you when I hurt myself.

I just realized that many of my posts have a similar pattern: inspirational and then spiral into a black hole!

Eating disorders are a bitch!

PMS… What a Bitch!

Spontaneous

I slept… until 1130am yesterday! I couldn’t believe it! Actually, I could. I’ve been taking cat naps the last few days and have been feeling super exhausted so it makes sense. I really must have needed some sleep.

I woke up feeling really great. I did 50 push ups and 50 crunches,  ate a yummy bowl of cereal with Kashi Go Lean, Fiber One Chocolate 80, and sliced strawberries, took a shower, tidied up a bit and waited for Barry.

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Barry arrived with my graduation present, which he had been waiting for from Fed-Ex. He got me  a new stethoscope!!! Woo Hoo! Its pink and engraved!

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After beating him at another game of Phase 10 (he got me my own deck), we decided it was time for him to experience a real Philly steak. I’ve said it before, but I’m definiatly a Geno’s fan. “Four wit with wiz, please, and a cherry soda.”  (I was buying for the folks back home, too). I told him he had to eat it with the provided cherry peppers, as well. Barry enjoyed his first experience with Geno’s.

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We took a visit to grandma’s house to drop off her coleslaw container, and her precious Spumante. She was surprised by our visit and stayed there chit chatting for a bit. My aunt, who lives with her also told us the news of her adopting two puppies from a shelter in Georgia. She explained that the dogs were brother and sister, had come from an abusive home, and were about to be put down. They are absolutely loveable! I believe they were dalmatian and bulldog mixes, but they looked a lot like pitbulls with spots.

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By the time we arrived back home it was about 830 or so. The day really flies when you  sleep until noon!

We, for some reason, were pretty sleepy, so we laid down until we heard back from our friends. After Lauren got off work, we met her and her boyfriend for frozen yogurt at Yogurt City. I got the usual. Also delicious!

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I just realized, after looking at the picture, that our bowls all really fit our personalities!

During the conversation, Barry said, “Its weird… the longer I go since I’ve eaten Geno’s, the more I really want another.” A little fact about Mike and Lauren: if you mention Philly cheesesteaks… we are getting Philly cheesesteaks. In this burst of spontaneity, we piled into Mike’s car and drove back to Philly around midnight. Although Pat’s was open, Barry wanted another steak from Geno’s. Despite my warning about the hot sauce, Barry put it on his steak. When they state “hot,” they really mean it! Thank goodness he had a cup of Sprite!

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Following, yet another delicious steak, we drove around Philly to kill some time. We finally made it back home around 330am! Guess what we did. NOT SLEEP! We went swimming in the pool and played a round of pool basketball. Can you guess who won? The Girls, of course!

Finally, being the sleepy party pooper, I initiated the mosey out of the pool. Finally, sleep!

If you’d like to learn more about the shelter, Middle Mutts,  or donate to help fund the adoption of other pups like Buster and Coco, please visit their facebook.