In God All Things Are Possible

This is the first post of the new year. Be warned, its a serious one…

Last Sunday was a dark day. I began writing letters to loved ones, making requests, asked for all Christmas presents to be returned and given to those less fortunate…

I was sprawled on my bed, blood dripping from my thigh and arms, bargaining with God to take me to him. You are friends, my confidants, and therefore, I will not and cannot lie to you. I have relapsed. After a series of unfortunate events in my life, I spiraled back into a deep depression. My binging returned, so naturally, the purging did, as well. And while I was at it, so did the cutting. I’ve watched my body gain weight, and no matter how much I thought about working out, or thought about the foods I was eating, nothing gave me the motivation to do anything about it. The feeling of failure from a relapse is unbearable. I didn’t want myself to have a 2015. I didn’t want to have to continue living with this cycle…WP_007508

I woke up from a sound sleep at 3am and suddenly, these lyrics just started running through my head. I couldn’t fall back asleep until I wrote it all down. Now, I’m hiding in a Starbucks, sharing this with you (instead of doing the work I should be doing), hiding from the world, before I need to get to work.

In God All Things Are Possible

By Sammy Bundo

From sound asleep, I awaken

Frantic, Nervous, shaken,

My mind racing a mile a minute

Pumping the brakes, but its in it to in it.

 

Memories of my past mistakes flashing before my eyes

How did I? I could I? How will I survive?

Trembling, ashamed, wanting to cry

This mind fuck is a game, wishing I would die.

 

Take me home, Heavenly Father

I beg of you, please

I’m down here, screaming, crying

Pleading on my knees

 

Swallow another handful to numb myself

Oh God, I’m begging you for your help

This blood I bleed

These scars I see

This pain I feel

Shits getting too real

 

Hearts racing, hearts pounding

All these thoughts, taunting, resounding

Grit my teeth, fists getting tighter

Look out world, I’m a fighter

 

The good I’ve done

The lives I’ve touched

It must outweigh

This hatred of self

 

I am my enemy

Christ, you are my Savior

With your many blessing, Oh Lord

My faith should never waiver

 

I did it once,

I can do it twice

Can’t hold me down

I’m still alive

 

Dear Disease,

You don’t make me

I make me

And your foolish games

Can only strengthen me

 

The marks on my body

I wear them with pride

They’re not a sign of weakness

They’re proof I survived

That I thrive

That I strive

To carry on

Head held high

 

Watching my world around me crumble

You reached out, Lord, grabbed my hand

Pulled me from the rubble

You’re my rock, my hope

The light of my tunnel

The strength getting me through this struggle.

*Copyright in process

I made this collage of things that make me smile, in hopes it will keep giving me inspiration to carry on and stay focused.

bewell2015

Raspberries On The Mind

Saturday (8/31)

Just as I began to think the stress if the night had died down, it flared back up. Mom blew me off twice in one night and then made the excuse that it was because of my eating disorder that she didn’t spend time with me. Calling my dad for some moral support wasn’t mush help either and he too got on me about it. By this point, I was hurt, frustrated, confused, tired, and crying. “Everyone is tired of it,” both my parents yelled. Don’t you think I am, too?! Thank, God, for Frank who came in my room as I cried. He calmed me down, and after a while, I finally fell asleep.

I began the morning with a White Chocolate Raspberry Shake! It was a beautiful shade of pink until I added a handful of spinach. Then, it WP_003728looked like a big grey blob.

  • 1-2 scoops vanilla protein
  • 1/2 cup fresh raspberries
  • 1 Tbsp sugar free, fat free White Chocolate pudding mix
  • water
  • ice
  • handful of spinach (optional)
  • 1/4 tsp xanthum (optional)
  • extra splash of sugar free raspberry syrup or sugar free raspberry jello mix, for extra flavor (optional)

Frank started the day off with a shake, as well. Still drained from last night, and my dinner for work prepared, I went to take a brief nap. I’m not sure if I actually fell asleep, but I felt better when I woke up.

I made myself a mug of coffee and a snack before heading off to work. The snack really held off my hunger at work. My shift was great, actually! I discovered something that the nurses before me did not find! I felt so empowered! Nurse Sammy! Saving Lives! One of the night shift nurses who took over commended me on finding it!

WP_003729

WP_003731I sat down around 7pm for a simple dinner. Before leaving for work I had drained a bag of shirataki noodles and cooked a frozen Green Giant box, the digestive health one with yellow carrots, beans, and spinach in a garlic herb sauce. I divided both the box and noodles into two containers for tonight’s dinner and tomorrows. I was a bit bummed that the beans had absorbed so much of the sauce by the time I ate. Luckily, the shift before me ordered hoagies for lunch and I was able to add some sweet peppers, my favorite condiment, to the bowl. It really made this dinner pop!

WP_003730I had a great night of discharging kids to go home, making the patients and parents laugh, and feeling so positive after days of feeling so insecure. I was even surprised my how filling dinner was! Around 930pm, I sat down for some celery and PB, and a quick break that led to working on a birthday treat for dad. I kept with this idea when I got home, and had some more celery and PB.

Sunday (9/1)

I can’t believe how quickly this year has flown by, and now its the first of September! Wow!

After a shower to wake me up, I attempted to create a Brew HaHa Latte with my shake. It was pretty good for Take 1:

  • 1-2 scoop Cafe Latte shake mixWP_003732
  • 1/3 to 1/2 cup raspberries
  • 1/2 Tbsp cocoa powder
  • 1 tsp sugar free raspberry jello
  • 1/2 Tbsp sugar free chocolate DaVinci
  • water
  • ice
  • handful of spinach (optional)
  • 1/8 tsp xanthum (optional)
  • 1/8 tsp guar gum (optional)
  • dash of cinnamon

Last night at work, the girls were snacking on Cool Ranch Doritos. I wasn’t hungry so I ignored the bag, but as the night continued I tried to remember the last time I actually tasted Cool Ranch Doritos. I took one bite. And then another. Wow! Its been years. A little fix and I was done, and I was proud of myself for listening to my body.

WP_003734

Before heading to work, I had a small bite to keep me going. I brewed a mug of Blueberry green tea, and with the last of the raspberries, smashed them on a rice cake, along with some Be Well Nutella. I’ve officially fallen in love with raspberries and nutella! Haha!

Dinner repeated itself, tonight. This time, rather than the sweet peppers, I added a bit of Brummel and Brown, red pepper flakes, and steamed slices of bell pepper and onions. Yum! It was quickly followed by celery sticks and PB2 before I was pulled to another unit at 7pm and completely lost my mind.

WP_003735 WP_003736

WP_003737I desperately tried to ignore my hunger at 9pm, and was able to deter it for a while. I wanted fruit, apples or a peach, but no such luck in the work pantry. After caving, I ate a 90 calorie pack of Teddy Grahams and half an apple sauce. I know and you know, that it was a smart food decision, but tell that to this eating disorder. As soon as I chewed the last teddy graham, my mind went to hell. But why? I WAS hungry. I listened to my body, and it said feed me, even after trying to trick it with lots of water. All I wanted to do was cry. I was mad that I ate, I was mad that I couldn’t hold out for an apple at home, I was mad that I was approaching 600 calorie for the day. I text my dad, Frank, and Barry from whom I received both support and anguish. Frank is a recovering addict, so he understands what its like to mind-screw yourself. Dad doesn’t quite understand that.

Unfortunately, I did the unthinkable… I purged… at work…

I haven’t done that since the height of my bulimia. I can NOT regress! I will NOT regress! My first action in response to this BS disease? Text my sponsor! I should have done that days ago.

More to Offer

I’ve come to the conclusion that its all in my head. Okay, I already knew that…

The last even of my shift was enjoying a serving of Golden Grahams. This was around 5am. It was delicious! I hadn’t had Golden Grahams in years! Well, guess what… my mind didn’t think the same way. Immediately, as I saw the last few bites left in the bowl, I threw it out and ran to the bathroom. I tried so hard to purge.

I ate like a normal person. I didn’t even go over my calorie allotment.

So why did I freak out? 

When I tried to purge, it actually hurt and nothing came up. Maybe I actually was hungry. Yes, Sammy, your bloated. Every woman feels this way. Get over it. Not all of them purge to deal with it!

A while back, my dad had found a woman who hosts group sessions for those with anorexia and bulimia. I emailed her today.

I need to remember all the things I can offer the world and being my healthiest self, mentally and physically, is the only way I can put forth my best. I text my mom about something that happened at work last night. I assisted a child in respiratory distress, who was blue and required the ambu-bag. My mom text back, “You saved a life!”

71984_10151490249339271_927152390_n

I did. I was able to help this child, and run down the halls, and act fast because my mind and body are being supplied with nutrients. I remember how foggy my job and my life was when I was sick; how slow I moved… Would I have been able to assist the way I did last night? I don’t think so.

420170_10151328558951304_1480807300_n

I was filled with fatigue and anxiety as I arrived home this morning. I laid down, and unable to relax, I am typing this post.

I’m signing off with one last thought:

Albert Einstein said, “Only a life lived for others is worth living.” If anything keeps me going, its knowing I can make a difference in the lives of God’s children and it all starts with taking care of myself.

I love you, readers. Thank you for listening to me.

Its the Little Things

Last night, was another sleepless and restless night. I don’t know if it was from my minor binge or if its because I had coffee later in the day, or if its because my mom and I are still on the rocks. Either way, I laid in bed for hours last night, just thinking about my upcoming day trip to seaside tomorrow… stressing about what I’m going to eat.

WP_003140I know I get excited over really trivial things, but yesterday my new scale came! I’m not sure if I shared with you that my food scale died on me last week. To test it, I put a baby carrot on it and it said it weighed like 805g! I don’t think so! After a trial of changing batteries, ensuring I was using a level surface, and weighing a bunch of random items, I had to accept that the scale was no longer working. RIP scale. You have been good to me. I ordered a new scale off cooking.com and lucked out when I saw it was on sale! Yesterday, a brown box arrived with a cooking.com sticker. “It’s here!!!” According to Barry, my excitement was quite amusing! I was so excited to actually see how many Popcorners actually equaled an ounce!

Yesterdays free sample from the pet store was an item I had never seen. I thought, initially it was a dog treat, but after further reading, it turned out to be actual dog food… freeze-dried dog food! Beauty loved it! The product is called Stella & Chewy’s. Beauty had the Stella’s Super Beef Dinner. They also make cat food, which I’ll have to try for Bunny. What I really liked about this product was that the first 6 ingredients actually were BEEF, followed by real ingredients like spinach, beets, pumpkin seeds, and cranberries. There are also frozen products and pet treats, as well as a nifty calculator to determine how much food your dog or cat will require based on weight, activity level, and type of food. To add to the already cool concept of freeze-dried pet food, Stella & Chewy’s donates a portion of their profits to no-kill shelters and animal rescues!

*Please know that this review is NOT sponsored my Stella & Chewy’s in any way.

WP_003137As I told you yesterday, I like fruit in my shakes, and I cannot lie! I used my new scale to weigh out everything today! First, was the banana for my Blueberry Banana Latte shake.

1/2  frozen banana

1 scoop Herbalife Cafe Latte mix

2 Tbsp Da Vinci sugar free Blueberry syrup

(1/4 tsp xanthum, optional)

Frank’s shake turned out super delicious! I threw a bunch of frozen cantaloupe and some frozen mango in with vanilla shake mix!

WP_003138

Tomorrow, I am taking dad to the shore, so the last few days, I’ve been trying to eat right since boardwalk food isn’t exactly known to be the healthiest… especially not  the stuff that I want to eat like pizza, sausage, and custard! (Not all together, but you know…)

Although the little binges do not help, my eating has been decent otherwise. My diet has been full of fruits and veggies lately, too! One of the many pros of warm weather is fresh produce!

I was back at work tonight. Dinner was simple and in the form of a hot pocket-esque burrito: Amy’s Tofu Scramble in a Pocket Sandwich. My past experience with tofu scrambles is that they require a decent amount of seasoning, so just in case, I brought some chili powder and crushed red pepper flakes to work with me.

WP_003139After last night’s snack attack, I wanted to be prepared, so I also sliced half a bell pepper and brought it to work with some Walden Farms dressing for dipping.

Now let me tell you what really happened… Obviously, I typed up my dinner before leaving for work. I arrived at work only to find out that our census on the unit had recently dropped. Okay, I guess either Katie or myself will get pulled to another unit. Then, I found out that the entire hospital had a low census and neither one of us was needed. One of us was being sent home. Since Katie was driving from Pennsylvania, and I knew she would be arriving shortly, I surprised myself when I offered to go home. I only live about 20 minutes away and I took it as a sign from God to study for the boards, and protect myself from the cupcakes in the break room. It also gave me the opportunity to talk things out with mom…

I decided to head back to the pet store to grab Beauty a bag of the new dog food, see what all the hype was about with this Blue Buffalo stuff, and grab Bunny a sample of Stella & Chewy’s to try.

WP_003142

The cat enjoyed her Heavenly Herring and Tuna, and Beauty scarfed down her small can of Wellness, as she always does. I like Wellness food for her because like Stella & Chewy’s the first ingredients actually are meat! In the past, Beauty has really enjoyed the Turkey & Sweet Potato and the Venison & Sweet Potato. This morning, I mixed half of the small can of Duck & Sweet Potato with her dry food. On this visit, I grabbed the Lamb & Sweet Potato, as well as S&C’s Duck, Duck, Goose freeze-dried patties. As for Bunny, I recently tried him with Wellness food, and he, too, ate his bowl clean. The canned cat food happened to be on sale (woot, woot)! I’ll let you know about the Blue Buffalo. I definitely would agree that the dry food is too expensive!

It amazes me some of the food combinations that companies have for animals. I don’t believe in spending a fortune on pet food, but I do believe that my animals are my family and should be treated as such. I’m glad that there are companies that feel the same, and create foods to nourish our babies!

I came home and devoured my sliced bell pepper! I was so hungry. Barry stopped by before he headed off to work, and Frank and I began to assemble our dinners. Since I was home, we sprinkled a salmon fillet with some adobo and baked it in the toaster over. We both created a spring mix salad, mine with peppers, carrots, and onions, a piece of the salmon fillet, and a drizzle of fat free Honey Dijon. Frank kicked it Ceasar-style.

WP_003143

Meanwhile, work called to bring me in at 7pm. I was not too apt to drive back to work since I had just arrived back home from there. After a discussion with the supervisor, we worked things out and I was able to stay home for the night. Now, I can go to bed early to prepare for tomorrow, do some laundry, study, and relax, plus I already picked up extra shifts for the week! I’m thankful things worked out!

Still a bit hungry, I indulged in some cantaloupe and pretzel sticks! Yeah… now that I type it out, thats a weird combination…

You can’t feel too bad about eating too much fruit… I’d rather eat that than junk food…

You know that feeling you get when you check Facebook, and you have a new friend request, or when someone invites you to an event, or when you get a new follower on Tumblr. I had that feeling waking up this morning. I received two emails from wordpress.com, the host site of Be Well Bundo. One stated that a person liked “Everyone Needs Cheerleaders” and the other, that I had gotten a new follower. Naturally, I get curious about these people and return the favor of checking out their blogs. Both people were using blogging to help cope with their eating disorders, one with anorexia, and the other with bingeing and bulimia.

I read through some of their posts, recognizing their feelings and sentiments, remembering being in those similar situations, trying to find ways out. Its the little things like that, that make me smile. Knowing that through our blogs, we not only help each other, but ourselves. We have outlets, validation of our feelings, knowing we are not alone, and most importantly, making new friends and contacts to be our cheerleaders in the fight.

Its the little things like that…

Everyone Needs Cheerleaders

Last night, I mentioned I began to mindlessly eat. It began because I actually was hungry and planned on having some Fiber One cereal. It quickly grew into nibbling on a bit of everything. I didn’t stress too much because I had spare calories from not having much of an appetite today. (*Lack of an appetite always catches up with me, darn it!*) But, nonetheless, it was a mini-binge.

My dad and Frank have been really supportive of me with it! Frank brings it to my attention if he sees it, and both of them allow me to vent to them. My dad also reminds me that I should be proud that I can recognize when this is happening, now, and stop myself, rather than dwelling on the lack of control I previously had.

????!

Its really important in life to have people that support your goals, your health, and over all well-being. Its also important to have people who you can talk with and vent to about the good and the bad. I’m really thankful for people like my dad, Frank, and my sponsor, Katie. These are the people in my life who tell me the truth, provide tough love, and unending encouragement. They are my cheerleaders, always reminding me how strong of a person I am.

I am a stronger person than these eating disorders that I battle.