In God All Things Are Possible

This is the first post of the new year. Be warned, its a serious one…

Last Sunday was a dark day. I began writing letters to loved ones, making requests, asked for all Christmas presents to be returned and given to those less fortunate…

I was sprawled on my bed, blood dripping from my thigh and arms, bargaining with God to take me to him. You are friends, my confidants, and therefore, I will not and cannot lie to you. I have relapsed. After a series of unfortunate events in my life, I spiraled back into a deep depression. My binging returned, so naturally, the purging did, as well. And while I was at it, so did the cutting. I’ve watched my body gain weight, and no matter how much I thought about working out, or thought about the foods I was eating, nothing gave me the motivation to do anything about it. The feeling of failure from a relapse is unbearable. I didn’t want myself to have a 2015. I didn’t want to have to continue living with this cycle…WP_007508

I woke up from a sound sleep at 3am and suddenly, these lyrics just started running through my head. I couldn’t fall back asleep until I wrote it all down. Now, I’m hiding in a Starbucks, sharing this with you (instead of doing the work I should be doing), hiding from the world, before I need to get to work.

In God All Things Are Possible

By Sammy Bundo

From sound asleep, I awaken

Frantic, Nervous, shaken,

My mind racing a mile a minute

Pumping the brakes, but its in it to in it.

 

Memories of my past mistakes flashing before my eyes

How did I? I could I? How will I survive?

Trembling, ashamed, wanting to cry

This mind fuck is a game, wishing I would die.

 

Take me home, Heavenly Father

I beg of you, please

I’m down here, screaming, crying

Pleading on my knees

 

Swallow another handful to numb myself

Oh God, I’m begging you for your help

This blood I bleed

These scars I see

This pain I feel

Shits getting too real

 

Hearts racing, hearts pounding

All these thoughts, taunting, resounding

Grit my teeth, fists getting tighter

Look out world, I’m a fighter

 

The good I’ve done

The lives I’ve touched

It must outweigh

This hatred of self

 

I am my enemy

Christ, you are my Savior

With your many blessing, Oh Lord

My faith should never waiver

 

I did it once,

I can do it twice

Can’t hold me down

I’m still alive

 

Dear Disease,

You don’t make me

I make me

And your foolish games

Can only strengthen me

 

The marks on my body

I wear them with pride

They’re not a sign of weakness

They’re proof I survived

That I thrive

That I strive

To carry on

Head held high

 

Watching my world around me crumble

You reached out, Lord, grabbed my hand

Pulled me from the rubble

You’re my rock, my hope

The light of my tunnel

The strength getting me through this struggle.

*Copyright in process

I made this collage of things that make me smile, in hopes it will keep giving me inspiration to carry on and stay focused.

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Bacon Bum

Following my rule, I got back on track at my next meal, meaning yesterday’s breakfast, lunch, and dinner. After the 11pm snack attack, last night, I really felt down. Since I was sitting all night at work, and only came home to eat and sleep, I tried talking to my dad, but I understand that he is tired of my anxiety and body issues. Heck, I’m tired of it! I need to stay focused and not let my emotions get the best of me. Plus, I need to listen to my body, my needs…

I was disappointed when I woke, this morning, because I was hoping to work out some of last night’s crazy at Church. I woke up at 11am since my crazy kept me up for a little while last night. I wanted to start the day right, so I told Nurse Sammy to get out of bed and begin the day with a healthy meal. I know you probably thought yesterday’s breakfast was odd, but this one might freak you out, too.

This morning, in an effort to eat my beets in a way not involving a salad, I chopped the slices, along with some onion, cooked them and threw them in some eggs with spinach, Canadian bacon, and crumbled feta. Half an English muffin added some bulk to breakfast. I guess that’s still pretty similar to a salad… Oh, and a coffee! Coffee was there, too!

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Haha Egg-Beet-ers!! Get it?

I returned to work this afternoon, back in my one to one. I didn’t mind, but that coffee from a few hours before still had not kicked in. Even my pre-work shower couldn’t wake me up! I thought I was going to fall asleep in the shower. Luckily, the bit of caffeine in a Diet Cherry Coke helped keep me up.

With the unit having a one to one, I didn’t know what the night had in store for me, activity-wise. I packed dinner with caution in the form of low cal, low carb. I took the opportunity to try out my new Walden Farms Alfredo sauce, and served it over spinach, Fakin’ Bacon Tempeh, and tofu shirataki macaroni  noodles. I needed to season the sauce with garlic and oregano and parmesean cheese, but dinner turned out very well! I also had an apple sauce and graham crackers to keep me satisfied for the remained of the evening.

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I was incredibly satisfied with dinner and returned to my patient. I always love when I can see a big change in my patients! Their disposition and appetite  had both improved since yesterday! The family seems to be in good spirits as well and we spent much of the shift laughing and exchanging funny stories.

Working 1:1

Most 1:1s that I offer to work are usually all 1:1s for the same reason. I especially like to sit with the pre-teen and teenage girls. I feel like it helps that I am closer to their age than most of the doctors and nurses, and that helps them open up to me. When I work evening or night shifts with 1:1s and I develop a report with the them, I like to leave them inspirational notes to wake up to. For my patient, tonight, I did the same. I ended the letter with a quote that I really like. It always makes me smile and I find myself repeating it:

“You is kind. You is smart. You is important.”

― Kathryn StockettThe Help

 

Back on Track

My last post was a bit all over the place. It was very manic-depressive. I’m sorry about that… like I said, “PMS… What a bitch!” Darn mood swings…

Set backs happen. How will I deal with it?

Listening to my body cues

“Theres scrapple in the fridge,” dad said to me as he left for work. I spent the night at dad house, last night, to complete our awesome DDDD (Daddy-Daughter Date Day). I wasn’t sure if I was hungry this morning, so I made a big cup of coffee to see if I was actually hungry or just thirsty. My large mug did a great job of curbing my appetite! I enjoyed the french vanilla coffee, while catching up on Spice Goddess. I love that show! Bal is really pleasant and bubbly and passionate about her native spices and traditions! Plus, I’ve really been interested in Indian cooking techniques, foods, and spices, and found a few things she made that I can’t wait to try my hands at!

Resuming my normal meals

Following the show and ignoring my inner scrapple-lover, I headed back to my mom’s house, where I enjoyed a refreshing Banana Cream Dannon Light & Fit Greek yogurt Blend, sprinkled with 1/2 tsp Chocolate PB2, and about 6 broken fat free pretzel sticks. I enjoyed the sweet and salty crunch that my PMS craves, and loved that it was filling and healthy.

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For a mid-day snack, a 90 calorie Fiber One Lemon bar did the trick, as did a mug of peppermint tea.

WP_003195Today it National Hot Dog Day! I’m a little excited about this because I’ve really been wanting hot dogs and baked beans! Ironically, I had planned on taking this as a meal to work tomorrow night, but no sense in denying this “holiday”! I pulled out a Hebrew National 97% fat free frank and a small can of fat free baked beans and ate mine in a bowl topped with chopped onion.

WP_003202Frank wanted it sandwich-style.

Go to Zumba

Following dinner, I had a bit of unsweetened applesauce and met my girlfriend, Maggie, at Zumba. I did not attend Zumba at all last week, and it makes me feel lost. I need it in my life. I also enjoy leading Zumba, as I did a few dances tonight. I love to look at their faces and I love knowing that my enthusiasm can power them through a workout, too!

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It was one humid hour, tonight! The AC is broke! We were drenched in sweat after the first dance. We looked like steamed lobsters by the end of the class. But, boy, were we feeling great!

Surround myself with positivety

Why else is today special? Not just because its National Hot Dog Day… Not just because its National Vanilla Ice Cream Day…. But because its Frank’s 56th Birthday! Before I left for Zumba, I whipped up a cake mug for him! Yay, Hungry-girl, for teaching me about cake mugs! I made a Raspberry Chocolate Chip Cake mug (recipe below).

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Zumba releases endorphins, which makes me happy. As does being with my friends. After sweating it out, I met Barry to do a little grocery shopping for the house, took a shower, and am currently in the midst of attempting some sleep. Surround yourself with positive people, places, events, and you’ll be positive too! Things just start to fall into place.

I typically do not eat after Zumba, but PMS was rearing its head. The entire trip to ShopRite I was thinking about peanut M&Ms. I resisted. We swung by 7 Eleven on the way home to down another bottle of water and while I was there, a light bulb went off! Special K Chocolatey Pretzel cereal bar! 90 calories, salty, sweet, crunchy…. Perfect!

Raspberry Chip Cake Mug

3 Tbsp yellow moist cake mix

1 Tbsp liquid egg substitute

1 1/2 Tbsp water

1/2 Tbsp Nestle mini semi-sweet morsels, or semi-sweet morsels, chopped

5 raspberries, sliced in half

2 Tbsp fat free Cool Whip, thawed

1/2 tsp sugar free, fat free Chocolate pudding mix

Combine everything except cool whip and pudding mix, and mix well. Spray mug or ramekin with nonstick cooking spray and pour cake mix in. Microwave for 1 minute and 15 seconds, or so*. Allow mug to cool, as it will be hot! Meanwhile, combine cool whip and pudding mix. Spread over cooled cake mug and enjoy!

*Microwaving chocolate chips is tricky business, as they tend to burn.

Calories: 179,  Fat: 3.1g, Sat. Fat: 1.9g, Cholesterol: 0mg, Sodium: 270mg, Carbs: 35.2g, Fiber: 0g, Sugar: 18.9g, Protein: 3g

Idea: White Chocolate Chips, instead!

Happy Birthday, Frank!

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PMS… What a Bitch!

After dad and I were greeted back to Delaware with a brief down pour of rain, we heated up the remaining pizza from the Sawmill, and a small buffalo chicken cheesesteak for dad and I went for some frozen veggies.

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The last few days, I’ve been wanting all things sweet, salty, and crunchy. Peanut M&M! Pretzel sticks! Semi-sweet morsels! Almond Joy! Butterfinger! Cookie dough! Crunchy ice cream! Chinese food!  Yeah, I was all over it, last night!

Give me Sweet, Salty, Crunchy, Indulgence! NOW!!!!

Last night was it! Yesterday was a fabulous day with dad in seaside! It began with breakfast, which I pre-planned in MyFitnessPal the night before. I also planned on having a bite or so of Sawmill pizza, which I put into my calorie counter. By the time I had gotten home, last night, my calories were enough to allow for dinner and a treat! Time to play it safe.

I microwaved some green beans and broccoli. That just wasn’t cutting it. Ah, some cantaloupe from the farm market should help… Nope. Popcorn! 94% fat free… safe choice, good for chewing, and popping… Still not doing it. Maybe a few semi-sweet morsels… Mmm salty popcorn and chocolate. That’s what I want! I need salty, sweet, crunch! 

I allowed myself a nice treat! I quickly popped a few M&Ms and dialed the Chinese restaurant around the corner. Dad and I split a Hot and Sour soup and an order of shrimp toast. Many people have no clue what shrimp toast is. Essentially, its a shrimp- “imperial” like mixture on a slice of bread that is covered in panko and deep fried. I like to dip mine in the mustard and duck sauce mixed together. Here’s the deal… It’s not exactly in the lowest calories, lowest fat content categories…

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I haven’t had shrimp toast in almost two years. When my eating disorder set in, I swore off all things fried, breaded, and ordered out. I’ve learned that even though I usually have melt downs after tasting any of these foods, its okay to treat yourself. I don’t do it every day… I’m  slowly learning to incorporate treats in my life in a way that is in moderation and good for my mind and body. (I have lots of recipes for shrimp toast so I think I’m going to Bundo-ize this typically unhealthy splurge).

Back to the point of this post… PMS is a bitch. I’m human, and a female, at that. Before I got sick, I was never really a sweets person. I was big because my portions were large and I didn’t exercise. Ever  since recovery, I have loved chocolate! In fact, I was snacking on semi-sweet morsels all night! So…

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Female+Recovery+PMS= Oh crap!

If you’ve ever seen or read The Vagina Monologues, “Angry Vagina” pretty much sums its up…Its a hilarious monologue about all the things women put up with. In general, I highly recommend for everyone to check out the monologues! But as I write up this post, its all I can think about that accurately portrays my feelings.

The cramps, the bloating, the cravings, the mood swings, the fatigue… and its almost uncontrollable! Like a tic! What a bitch!

In fact, yesterday actually started at 330am, for me, as I woke up with cramps. I laid in bed, desperately trying to fall back asleep, curled into the fetal position. No such luck…

As I cracked into my fortune cookie, I thought my fortune was most fitting:

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“Our perception and attitude toward any situation will determine the outcome.”

I don’t look at last night as a failure in my eating or my progress. I look at it as normal. Everyone get the munchies. Everyone has indulgent times. Everyone just needs chocolate sometimes! It happens! Even with my mini-binges the last few days, my calorie count has still been within limits. I allowed myself these treats yesterday, knowing that I am allowed to enjoy a little indulgence. I know it sounds like I’m trying to convince myself of this, and I partly am. It takes 3,500 calories to gain 1 lb. I eat to live, not live to eat. Cooking and eating are passions of mine. How can I let these eating disorders destroy my passions. I am in control.

But, wow, did I really need last night’s munchie-fest. It was good for the mind and it made my body shut up with the cravings. Plus, it made my dad smile to see me really enjoy what I was eating and not stressing about calories! (He actually asked me the calorie count of the shrimp toast! Good job, daddy!)

With all of this rambling and pseudo-inspirational mindset, I am always honest with you. After dad headed to bed and I thought I could trust myself, I began to pop a few semi-sweet morsels. After a bit of this, despite being on the phone with Barry, I knew I was getting out of hand. I was testing my own boundaries. How far could I take this? Why didn’t I tell Barry? Instead, I put on a front to him like everything was fine; Like I was proud that I allowed myself the indulgence. (I kind of was.) Bottom line, I purged. Not all of it, but the shear action, after not doing for weeks, proves I still have a long way to go.

With that said, I am sorry, dad. It was a selfish action and I know it hurts you when I hurt myself.

I just realized that many of my posts have a similar pattern: inspirational and then spiral into a black hole!

Eating disorders are a bitch!

PMS… What a Bitch!

Its the Little Things

Last night, was another sleepless and restless night. I don’t know if it was from my minor binge or if its because I had coffee later in the day, or if its because my mom and I are still on the rocks. Either way, I laid in bed for hours last night, just thinking about my upcoming day trip to seaside tomorrow… stressing about what I’m going to eat.

WP_003140I know I get excited over really trivial things, but yesterday my new scale came! I’m not sure if I shared with you that my food scale died on me last week. To test it, I put a baby carrot on it and it said it weighed like 805g! I don’t think so! After a trial of changing batteries, ensuring I was using a level surface, and weighing a bunch of random items, I had to accept that the scale was no longer working. RIP scale. You have been good to me. I ordered a new scale off cooking.com and lucked out when I saw it was on sale! Yesterday, a brown box arrived with a cooking.com sticker. “It’s here!!!” According to Barry, my excitement was quite amusing! I was so excited to actually see how many Popcorners actually equaled an ounce!

Yesterdays free sample from the pet store was an item I had never seen. I thought, initially it was a dog treat, but after further reading, it turned out to be actual dog food… freeze-dried dog food! Beauty loved it! The product is called Stella & Chewy’s. Beauty had the Stella’s Super Beef Dinner. They also make cat food, which I’ll have to try for Bunny. What I really liked about this product was that the first 6 ingredients actually were BEEF, followed by real ingredients like spinach, beets, pumpkin seeds, and cranberries. There are also frozen products and pet treats, as well as a nifty calculator to determine how much food your dog or cat will require based on weight, activity level, and type of food. To add to the already cool concept of freeze-dried pet food, Stella & Chewy’s donates a portion of their profits to no-kill shelters and animal rescues!

*Please know that this review is NOT sponsored my Stella & Chewy’s in any way.

WP_003137As I told you yesterday, I like fruit in my shakes, and I cannot lie! I used my new scale to weigh out everything today! First, was the banana for my Blueberry Banana Latte shake.

1/2  frozen banana

1 scoop Herbalife Cafe Latte mix

2 Tbsp Da Vinci sugar free Blueberry syrup

(1/4 tsp xanthum, optional)

Frank’s shake turned out super delicious! I threw a bunch of frozen cantaloupe and some frozen mango in with vanilla shake mix!

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Tomorrow, I am taking dad to the shore, so the last few days, I’ve been trying to eat right since boardwalk food isn’t exactly known to be the healthiest… especially not  the stuff that I want to eat like pizza, sausage, and custard! (Not all together, but you know…)

Although the little binges do not help, my eating has been decent otherwise. My diet has been full of fruits and veggies lately, too! One of the many pros of warm weather is fresh produce!

I was back at work tonight. Dinner was simple and in the form of a hot pocket-esque burrito: Amy’s Tofu Scramble in a Pocket Sandwich. My past experience with tofu scrambles is that they require a decent amount of seasoning, so just in case, I brought some chili powder and crushed red pepper flakes to work with me.

WP_003139After last night’s snack attack, I wanted to be prepared, so I also sliced half a bell pepper and brought it to work with some Walden Farms dressing for dipping.

Now let me tell you what really happened… Obviously, I typed up my dinner before leaving for work. I arrived at work only to find out that our census on the unit had recently dropped. Okay, I guess either Katie or myself will get pulled to another unit. Then, I found out that the entire hospital had a low census and neither one of us was needed. One of us was being sent home. Since Katie was driving from Pennsylvania, and I knew she would be arriving shortly, I surprised myself when I offered to go home. I only live about 20 minutes away and I took it as a sign from God to study for the boards, and protect myself from the cupcakes in the break room. It also gave me the opportunity to talk things out with mom…

I decided to head back to the pet store to grab Beauty a bag of the new dog food, see what all the hype was about with this Blue Buffalo stuff, and grab Bunny a sample of Stella & Chewy’s to try.

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The cat enjoyed her Heavenly Herring and Tuna, and Beauty scarfed down her small can of Wellness, as she always does. I like Wellness food for her because like Stella & Chewy’s the first ingredients actually are meat! In the past, Beauty has really enjoyed the Turkey & Sweet Potato and the Venison & Sweet Potato. This morning, I mixed half of the small can of Duck & Sweet Potato with her dry food. On this visit, I grabbed the Lamb & Sweet Potato, as well as S&C’s Duck, Duck, Goose freeze-dried patties. As for Bunny, I recently tried him with Wellness food, and he, too, ate his bowl clean. The canned cat food happened to be on sale (woot, woot)! I’ll let you know about the Blue Buffalo. I definitely would agree that the dry food is too expensive!

It amazes me some of the food combinations that companies have for animals. I don’t believe in spending a fortune on pet food, but I do believe that my animals are my family and should be treated as such. I’m glad that there are companies that feel the same, and create foods to nourish our babies!

I came home and devoured my sliced bell pepper! I was so hungry. Barry stopped by before he headed off to work, and Frank and I began to assemble our dinners. Since I was home, we sprinkled a salmon fillet with some adobo and baked it in the toaster over. We both created a spring mix salad, mine with peppers, carrots, and onions, a piece of the salmon fillet, and a drizzle of fat free Honey Dijon. Frank kicked it Ceasar-style.

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Meanwhile, work called to bring me in at 7pm. I was not too apt to drive back to work since I had just arrived back home from there. After a discussion with the supervisor, we worked things out and I was able to stay home for the night. Now, I can go to bed early to prepare for tomorrow, do some laundry, study, and relax, plus I already picked up extra shifts for the week! I’m thankful things worked out!

Still a bit hungry, I indulged in some cantaloupe and pretzel sticks! Yeah… now that I type it out, thats a weird combination…

You can’t feel too bad about eating too much fruit… I’d rather eat that than junk food…

You know that feeling you get when you check Facebook, and you have a new friend request, or when someone invites you to an event, or when you get a new follower on Tumblr. I had that feeling waking up this morning. I received two emails from wordpress.com, the host site of Be Well Bundo. One stated that a person liked “Everyone Needs Cheerleaders” and the other, that I had gotten a new follower. Naturally, I get curious about these people and return the favor of checking out their blogs. Both people were using blogging to help cope with their eating disorders, one with anorexia, and the other with bingeing and bulimia.

I read through some of their posts, recognizing their feelings and sentiments, remembering being in those similar situations, trying to find ways out. Its the little things like that, that make me smile. Knowing that through our blogs, we not only help each other, but ourselves. We have outlets, validation of our feelings, knowing we are not alone, and most importantly, making new friends and contacts to be our cheerleaders in the fight.

Its the little things like that…

Everyone Needs Cheerleaders

Last night, I mentioned I began to mindlessly eat. It began because I actually was hungry and planned on having some Fiber One cereal. It quickly grew into nibbling on a bit of everything. I didn’t stress too much because I had spare calories from not having much of an appetite today. (*Lack of an appetite always catches up with me, darn it!*) But, nonetheless, it was a mini-binge.

My dad and Frank have been really supportive of me with it! Frank brings it to my attention if he sees it, and both of them allow me to vent to them. My dad also reminds me that I should be proud that I can recognize when this is happening, now, and stop myself, rather than dwelling on the lack of control I previously had.

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Its really important in life to have people that support your goals, your health, and over all well-being. Its also important to have people who you can talk with and vent to about the good and the bad. I’m really thankful for people like my dad, Frank, and my sponsor, Katie. These are the people in my life who tell me the truth, provide tough love, and unending encouragement. They are my cheerleaders, always reminding me how strong of a person I am.

I am a stronger person than these eating disorders that I battle. 

Never Too Old for Animal Crackers

After yesterday mornings excitment, I enjoyed sleeping in this morning.

Last night, Barry came over during his lunch break from night shift, around 9pm. I greeted him with a chicken sandwich, from the left over chicken we grilled the other day, a tray of broccoli and cheese, a chocolate chip cookie and a chocolate cheesecake for work, that mom had had picked up from Wholefoods.

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After Barry left, and some studying, I laid in bed for about 2 hours tossing and turning. As tired as I was, I just could not fall asleep. I think that having a disagreement with my mom, yesterday, on top of Beaut getting out, really ampted up my anxiety. I felt similar to when I was really sick… I would lay in bed, up until all hours of the night, planning my meals for the week, stressing about calories… planning my every move for the coming days.

Finally, I fell asleep!

This morning began with a shake for Frank and myself. The tricky thing about cafe latte flavored shake powders is that besides bananas, flavoring syrups are typically used to flavor them. But I like fruit in my shakes, darn it!

I used to work in a nutrition store, and a really popular shake was the Carmel Latte shake. Wanting fruit plus a little pick me up, I experimented with a Caramel Apple Latte shake.

  • half a fuji apple (about 3/4 cup), chopped, preferrably frozen
  • 1 Tbsp sugar free caramel Torani syrup
  • 1 scoop Herbalife Cafe Latte powder
  • (1/4 tsp xanthum, optional)

Not to shabby…

After Beauty’s escapades, yesterday, and some time to kill before work, I ran to the pet store to get a new name and address tag for her. It was a toss up between a pink heart and and Eagles tag. While she went to pull out the pink heart, she found a pink heart with the Eagles logo on it! Score! I think Beauty has learned her lesson, though, at least for now, because she has been a sleepy pup since she came home. While at the pet store, I also snagged her one of her favorite canned foods, as well as a free sample.

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I felt so silly while on my way to work, today. Its 95 degrees outside and I’m in a long sleeve shirt… in a car without AC…

I swung by Dunkin for an iced coffee on my way to help cool me off. (I wear longsleeved shirts to work because its always cold!!!!) It was much needed!

I arrived at work a bit early, which gave me time to cool off and grab my assignment for the night. I was in a 1:1. That shake this morning really filled me up! I didn’t have much of an appetite at all today! I finished up the left over brussel sprouts from the other night (lightly drizzled with yellow and honey mustard), and celery sticks and peanut butter for snacking. Around 6pm, when I took my dinner, I was very hungry! Luckily, I spotted animal crackers! I don’t care how old you are, but you are never too old for animal crackers!

I was surprised by how hungry I was, but I hadn’t been very hungry since my shake, so I guess I shouldn’t be that surprised. The important part, is that I recognized that I was full and I stopped eating before I lost control. Recovering from binge eating, just like anorexia or bulimia, has no boundaries. Eating disorders can strike anytime, anywhere.

Once my shift ended, I came home and snacked on some Fiber One 80 Chocolate cereal, but soon found myself nibbling on many items. I finally tasted that kick from the KIND Dark Chocolate Chili Almond. After realizing that I was beginning to have a mild binge, I quickly jumped to a warm glass of flax milk and began this post.

Playing Catch Up

Like I said, I have not blogged in quite awhile. In fact, my dad text me the other night with the following:

“U havent blogged in ten days?? wtf”

Time to play a little catchup on the last week or so.

Two Saturdays ago, I met up with friends from highschool for a Class of 2009 Bar Crawl. It wasn’t ecxactly your typical bar crawl, as it was a few friends that had a drink at 3 different places on Main Street, Newark. It was a nice way for me to introduce Barry to a few freinds from highschool, as well as reunite with a really old friend from high school, Audrey!

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The following day, the city of Newark had its Memorial Day Parade. It was a rather cool, rainy and dreary day, but Barry, as well as his housemate and a good friend from nursing school, were in it.

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This year was the 60th Anniversary of the Korean War. I loved seeing all the vets, smiling with so much pride! Being there was also special for me because my grandfather is a Korean War Veteran. The VA Hospital in Wilmington has a long term care facility, where  I did my clinical rotation my very first  semester of nursing school. They brought some of the residents to be in the parade. It was great to see them still getting around and smiling!

WP_002406Handsome fella, ain’t he??

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The following Tuesday was a gloomy day. Another binge and purge occurred and I was in a ball the remainder of the day. It seemed that I could not move or get myself out of this funk. Ironically, later in the day, once I got up, I had a small bowl of carb smart ice cream and felt a bit better. Chocolate has amazing powers!

I had no choice but to improve my mood the following day: Graduation Day!

After all of my hard work, craziness, eating disorder, endless hours of studying… it was here! I’m graduating! I dressed in a white sun dress and wedges, and completed the ensable with a green cap and gown, a gold stole and white rope to indicate my officer position in Phi Theta Kappa and and graduating cum laude!

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Mom, Dad, Frank, and Barry were there, as were my two brothers, my neighbor, my Aunt Carol and, godfather, Uncle Bert, Aunt Chrissy and my two little cousins, my godmother, Aunt Cathy, and my Grandmother. I had to requests when graduating: to have something of my grandmother and grandfather with me on stage as I graduate. It was fate, as my grandmothers wedding band fit perfectly on my finger. My grandmother brought with her a few items of my grandfathers to choose from. Once I chose one of his pendants to wear, my grandmother told me I could keep all of the momentums!

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The family surprised me with beautiful flowers. Barry even did  really well! MY favorite color is pink and my favorite flower is a lily. Pink lilies and roses! Score!

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After a nice and brief ceremony, we headed out to Grottos to meet up with some friends. The table split a chicken cheese steak which I loved), and a veggie calzone! No worrying tonight!

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I am a Graduate Nurse!!!

Without the Blog

Without the blog… my brain feels like a tornado… Swirling around causing misplacement of thoughts, turmoil, destruction of normal thinking… utter destruction of all the progress I have made…

After the events of the last few days, I believe I have found a correlation: blogging and binging. When I don’t blog, my eating habits go down the drain, my sense of control over my life feels missing, and chaos ensues.

I know that after a day or days of little appetite, it is bound to come back and bite me in the butt. The other day, I was asked to work a double and gladly excepted. Things were going great! The shift was going well, my patients were doing well, even my eating was doing well. I packed a delicious salad for dinner.

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For the night shift portion of the evening, I had a packet of miso soup with crackers.

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And then this happened…

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Yeah… the downward spiral happened…

Just sitting around chatting with the girls and snacking away. The indulgent trail mix got me in some trouble. Which of course really got to my head, and gave me a decent belly ache. I decided the smart thing to do would be to purge. I know! Genius, right?!

I guzzled water for the next few hours or work, trying desparatley to fill myself up and flush out my system. The brain starts to think in odd ways when things go arye.

I got home, stressing out and yet I couldn’t stop eating! Why?!

I wound up making a shake, which I figure would fill me up indefinitely and I could walk away. Nope!

I would up purging, again, and completely curling into a ball for the remainder of the day. It was terrible. Throughout the rest of this week, I’ve had times of binging. The other night, I ate until I was in physical pain! Why? I don’t know? I followed this with intense purging.

I continued to question myself. Why, after all this time of success, did I fall? Everyone has days of slips, but this was repetitive.

I honestly believe its because I have not blogged. This blog is my outlet, my sancutuary. It makes me accountable for my actions. I allows me to reflect on my day, and basque in my accomplishments.

Without this blog, I’m lost.

Quinoa Stuffed Peppers

When managing your weight, u should always drink water before eating if you think you are hungry. This is because your body often confused thirst for hunger. Last night, I drank lots of water in an attempt to prolong my hunger until this morning. It didn’t work, meaning I was actually hungry. I sat down and dipped blackberry pomegranate rice cakes in pb and cottage cheese. It was delicious! Afterwards, I started to plug it into myfitnesspal and realized I had literally eaten a meal! Oh man!

My eating has been great the last couple days and last night started a wave of insecurity and anxiety. Between last night and today, I’ve noticed two things:

  • I get freaked out because in terrified my screw up will derail me and my progress
  • I confuse satiety with fullness, not satisfaction and contentment

I’m glad I’ve been able identify these things about myself, because I have something to focus on to work towards improvement. Nonetheless, the guilt and fear are still with me.

Staying on the right path, I planned this weeks meals to keep me on track. Mom is away so I invited dad over and made dinner for my dads and brother.

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Serves 6

3 medium bell peppers
1 shallot, or small onion, chopped
2 Tbls dry quinoa
4 to 5 baby portabella mushrooms, chopped
4 garlic cloves, minced
Salt, pepper
1/2 Tbsp Italian seasoning
1/2 lb ground meat

WP_002125Bring quinoa to a bowl, reduce heat and cover for 15 minutes. Meanwhile, cut the tops of the bells peppers. Remove the seeds and stem and chop pepper surrounding stem to use in the meat mixture. Slice peppers in half to form boats.

Spray a small Pyrex with nonstick spray. Lay pepper boats with veins facing upwards. Combine all chopped ingredients, quinoa, spices  and meat in a bowl and combine well. Divide the mixture evenly among the boats.

Cover with foil and bake at 400 F for 20 minutes. Uncover , drizzle with favorite sauce, recover, and return to over for another 30 minutes.

The peppers are perfectly cooked, and the meat is moist and savory!

Mushrooms are a fantastic bulker for ground meat dishes, especially portabellas because they are such a hearty vegetable!

Dinner was served with a big spinach salad! Mangia!

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❤ Thoughts and prayers go out to those in Boston ❤