Raspberries On The Mind

Saturday (8/31)

Just as I began to think the stress if the night had died down, it flared back up. Mom blew me off twice in one night and then made the excuse that it was because of my eating disorder that she didn’t spend time with me. Calling my dad for some moral support wasn’t mush help either and he too got on me about it. By this point, I was hurt, frustrated, confused, tired, and crying. “Everyone is tired of it,” both my parents yelled. Don’t you think I am, too?! Thank, God, for Frank who came in my room as I cried. He calmed me down, and after a while, I finally fell asleep.

I began the morning with a White Chocolate Raspberry Shake! It was a beautiful shade of pink until I added a handful of spinach. Then, it WP_003728looked like a big grey blob.

  • 1-2 scoops vanilla protein
  • 1/2 cup fresh raspberries
  • 1 Tbsp sugar free, fat free White Chocolate pudding mix
  • water
  • ice
  • handful of spinach (optional)
  • 1/4 tsp xanthum (optional)
  • extra splash of sugar free raspberry syrup or sugar free raspberry jello mix, for extra flavor (optional)

Frank started the day off with a shake, as well. Still drained from last night, and my dinner for work prepared, I went to take a brief nap. I’m not sure if I actually fell asleep, but I felt better when I woke up.

I made myself a mug of coffee and a snack before heading off to work. The snack really held off my hunger at work. My shift was great, actually! I discovered something that the nurses before me did not find! I felt so empowered! Nurse Sammy! Saving Lives! One of the night shift nurses who took over commended me on finding it!

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WP_003731I sat down around 7pm for a simple dinner. Before leaving for work I had drained a bag of shirataki noodles and cooked a frozen Green Giant box, the digestive health one with yellow carrots, beans, and spinach in a garlic herb sauce. I divided both the box and noodles into two containers for tonight’s dinner and tomorrows. I was a bit bummed that the beans had absorbed so much of the sauce by the time I ate. Luckily, the shift before me ordered hoagies for lunch and I was able to add some sweet peppers, my favorite condiment, to the bowl. It really made this dinner pop!

WP_003730I had a great night of discharging kids to go home, making the patients and parents laugh, and feeling so positive after days of feeling so insecure. I was even surprised my how filling dinner was! Around 930pm, I sat down for some celery and PB, and a quick break that led to working on a birthday treat for dad. I kept with this idea when I got home, and had some more celery and PB.

Sunday (9/1)

I can’t believe how quickly this year has flown by, and now its the first of September! Wow!

After a shower to wake me up, I attempted to create a Brew HaHa Latte with my shake. It was pretty good for Take 1:

  • 1-2 scoop Cafe Latte shake mixWP_003732
  • 1/3 to 1/2 cup raspberries
  • 1/2 Tbsp cocoa powder
  • 1 tsp sugar free raspberry jello
  • 1/2 Tbsp sugar free chocolate DaVinci
  • water
  • ice
  • handful of spinach (optional)
  • 1/8 tsp xanthum (optional)
  • 1/8 tsp guar gum (optional)
  • dash of cinnamon

Last night at work, the girls were snacking on Cool Ranch Doritos. I wasn’t hungry so I ignored the bag, but as the night continued I tried to remember the last time I actually tasted Cool Ranch Doritos. I took one bite. And then another. Wow! Its been years. A little fix and I was done, and I was proud of myself for listening to my body.

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Before heading to work, I had a small bite to keep me going. I brewed a mug of Blueberry green tea, and with the last of the raspberries, smashed them on a rice cake, along with some Be Well Nutella. I’ve officially fallen in love with raspberries and nutella! Haha!

Dinner repeated itself, tonight. This time, rather than the sweet peppers, I added a bit of Brummel and Brown, red pepper flakes, and steamed slices of bell pepper and onions. Yum! It was quickly followed by celery sticks and PB2 before I was pulled to another unit at 7pm and completely lost my mind.

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WP_003737I desperately tried to ignore my hunger at 9pm, and was able to deter it for a while. I wanted fruit, apples or a peach, but no such luck in the work pantry. After caving, I ate a 90 calorie pack of Teddy Grahams and half an apple sauce. I know and you know, that it was a smart food decision, but tell that to this eating disorder. As soon as I chewed the last teddy graham, my mind went to hell. But why? I WAS hungry. I listened to my body, and it said feed me, even after trying to trick it with lots of water. All I wanted to do was cry. I was mad that I ate, I was mad that I couldn’t hold out for an apple at home, I was mad that I was approaching 600 calorie for the day. I text my dad, Frank, and Barry from whom I received both support and anguish. Frank is a recovering addict, so he understands what its like to mind-screw yourself. Dad doesn’t quite understand that.

Unfortunately, I did the unthinkable… I purged… at work…

I haven’t done that since the height of my bulimia. I can NOT regress! I will NOT regress! My first action in response to this BS disease? Text my sponsor! I should have done that days ago.

Nutella with Raspberries

WP_003704Wednesday 8/28

As Barry headed off to work, I slept in for a bit until getting up to meet Frank at the farmers market at 9am. Breakfast was small and quick, as I was still shockingly full from last night. A Creme Brulee sugar free rice pudding and large glass of sparkling water sufficed.

We ran a few errands, and just as we were loading up the the truck at the last stop, the cloudy sky opened up and poured! It poured for hours! When we got home and unloaded, I headed to bed for night shift and when I woke up from my 3 hour nap,it was still pouring! In fact, it stopped just long enough for me to run the recycling and trashcans out and get to my car for work. 5 minutes after being in the car, it started pouring, again! Then, on my way from the parking garage, as I made a run for it, I saw the creek was almost to the top! Talk about rain!

The smell of Frank’s cooking is what woke me up this afternoon! I love his stir fry, so while I sat down to my snack, I stole some veggies and shrimp from the skillet. Hey, I had to make sure it wasn’t poisonous!

Frank and my dad had voiced some concerns the last few days. My dad mentioned that it looked like I was loosing weight, again, and he wasn’t pleased. This afternoon, Frank talked to me over my yogurt, as said he was worried about me. “You look on the pale side, and your WP_003705soft spoken. You’re starting to worry me. I’m not used to you being so quiet. You’re usually so boystrous.” He’s right, though, I haven’t felt myself the last few days. In fact, I’ve been doing nothing, but stressing about food! Maybe its because I was surrounded by food all weekend, and this was my way of feeling in control? I’m not quite sure, but its nice to know that I have my dads and Barry there for me.

Backing up to the yogurt. It was like a was fiending for caffeine! I had a bowl of light coffee yogurt, and crumbled half a Gnu Espresso Chip bar on top. Yum! I was definitely digging it and it really filled me up.

After changing my meals about 6 times, today, I decided to pack things that I could burn off over my shift: Be Well Nutella on toast with raspberries, steamed broccoli and petite carrots and celery sticks.

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I was clerking for the first 4 hours of my shift and as usual, my 10pm hunger was kicking in. I tried desperately to ignore it, but one of the guys, here, kept talking about how he wanted to get a Baconator! Oh man! Yes, please! That was it. I grabbed a pack of graham crackers and ate them with a bit of PB to keep me going until my 2 am lunch break. I have to say that as soon as I swallowed the last bit, I immediately began a guilt trip on myself!

The reminder of the shift was spent on the floor. The nutella and raspberries are great, by the way!

My Mug Overfloweth

I was greeted with some disappointment, this morning. As Frank and I headed out for our bike ride, I discovered a flat tire! My bike ride was cancelled for today, but luckily I was hungry.

In honor of National Banana Lover Day, I whipped up a Banana Creme Pie Shake Bowl, with a handful of spinach.

Banana Creme Pie BowlWP_003699

  • 1/2 to 1 frozen banana
  • 2 scoops vanilla protein
  • 1 to 1 1/2 Tbsp sugar free fat free Banana Creme Pie pudding mix
  • 1/4 tsp xanthum (optional)

I enjoyed this bowl while sitting on the porch and chatting with Frank! It was a beautiful morning with the sun shining and a light breeze.

For some reason, despite my cup of coffee, I could not wake up today. I tried keeping busy until Barry came over on his lunch brake. I saved him some of the Chicken Cheesesteak Pizza from last night’s dinner. It was his first experience with a cauliflower crust and he liked it. I think each time I make the crust, I get better and better at it.

WP_003700As noon approached, the sun began to hide and a mildly grumbling tummy came out. Frank made a tuna sandwich for himself and I finally gave into my nutella desire with a slice of oatmeal toast and Be Well Nutella. It hit the spot and was just enough to satisfy my hunger.

The entire day was spent in an odd funk. I just could not get with the program. Frank and I watched movies all day! I was quite lazy, but maybe my body just needed that.

Dad came over for dinner before I headed to Barry’s. I had picked up cebollitas at the farmers market and had been itching to make them. They are typically made on a grill coated in salt and olive oil. Every time dad and I go to a Mexican restaurant, we go to town on these babies, and we always dip them in the chorizo con queso! This was my first time making the cebollitas and they could not have turned out any better!

Cebollitas (Spring Onions)WP_003701

  • 8 cebollitas
  • 1 lime
  • 1/2 tsp, divided, plus 1/8 tsp seasoned salt

Heat a cast iron grill pan, or skillet if you do not have a grill pan, on medium to medium high heat. While the pan is heating up, snipthe top stems of the onions down until there is about 2-3 inches from the bulb. Spray the pan with non stick cooking spray and lay the onions down. Sprinkle1/4 tsp of seasoned salt over the onions, followed by squeezing half a lime over top. Quickly cover the onions with a lid. After 5 minutes, turn the onions to the other side,sprinkle the remaining 1/4 tsp salt and squeeze the other half of the lime. Recover and cook for an additional 5 minutes. Removed the lid and toss the onions every 3 minutes or so for an additional 10 minutes. On the last toss, sprinkle the last 1/8 tsp of seasoning salt. Serve them up!

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Dad and I ate our with a bowl of soup! It was one we had never had before by Campbell s, but it is definitive one we will be getting again! Campbell’s Chunky Kickin’ Buffalo Style Chicken Soup was creamy, with a kick of buffalo sauce and blue cheese flavors! MMMM! And I dipped my cebollitas in there and the creamy consistency worked great as a substitution for the chorizo con queso! The soup even had carrots, tomatoes, celery and potato like the classic home-style chicken soup.

Dad wanted a grilled cheese on the side. I’ll tell ya, just the soup and 4 cebollitas kept me full for the rest of the night!

I met up with Barry, still feeling in a haze, but being with him and getting out of the house helped perk me up. His house was bareso we headed off to the grocery store, as opposed to my usual Tuesday night Zumba routine. We are spending the rest of the night in movie mode.

Refrain Running

Last night, dad and I watched another Redbox called Not Fade Away. I picked it because it was about music and it had James Gandolfini in it. I dug the music but the movie, itself, was so-so.

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Also making an appearance was the Chocolate Peanut Butter Arctic Zero with fat free whipped cream, jimmies, broken fat free pretzel sticks for a salty crunch, and a sprinkle of  Chocolate PB2. I love that I can eat this and not have an anxiety attack about it! Arctic Zero, you are a blessing to all those in eating disorder recovery!

After dropping Barry’s dinner off to him at work, I arrived home not being able to take my eyes off the last fuji apple. I sliced it up and enjoyed the slices with Be Well Nutella sandwiched between them.

Utter Frustration

Despite all my yawning and being in bed by 10, I did nothing all night, but lay there- completely awake! I tried counting sheep, deep breathing, stretching, and even massaging pressure points to relax. Nothing worked! I was too tired to study, too tired to talk or open my eyes… I was so frustrated I wanted to scream! But I was too tired for that too.

Eventually I gave in and whipped out a pad if paper and worked on a few new recipes. By 4 am, my belly was growling! I tried to ignore it but now I know what time my food is digested by and why I’m hungry in the morning.

I mosied into the kitchen. My immediate reaction was to head to the MagicBullet, but since it was 4am, I thought that might be a bit inconsiderate to others actually sleeping! I grabbed a granola bar, which I enjoyed. But suddenly, I was hit with eating disorder anxiety. Just peachy!

I hate laying down after eating, but I became overwhelmed with fatigue after eating my Kashi and passed out until being awoken 3 hours later by a serious of noises. First, Bunny was meowing incessantly, so I got up, made sure he had food and fell back asleep… briefly, that is, until I was awoke by a claw scratching at my foot…

Next came a wake up call… apparently my little brother over slept and Frank was yelling to his room  to get up! Well, I’m up!

I text dad to see if he wanted to take a shake to work so I threw half a banana in with a  scoop of almond butter and Be Well Nutella, and 2 scoops of Herbalife Cafe Latte. Very tasty!

Around 11am, I whipped up brunch for Frank and myself. Franks shake included Cafe Latte Shake mix, chocolate shake mix, Be Well Nutella, Almond Butter, and sugar free Torani coconut syrup to make a Pseudo-Almond Joy.

After Barry’s fascination with the Blueberry cheesecake shake from our Denny’s Breakfast menu, I was in the mood for a cheesecake shake, myself. Returning to the good ol’ shakes, I threw together a coffee and a Mixed Berry Cheesecake:WP_003304

  • 1 Tbsp sugar free fat free Cheesecake pudding mix
  • 1 scoop vanilla shake mix
  • 1/4 cup fresh blueberries
  • 1/2 cup Welch’s Antioxidant frozen Mixed Berry Blend

WP_003305I like to add fat free graham crackers to my cheesecake shakes, but this morning I added about 1/4 cup multigrain Cheerios on top to give me a crunchy aspect. It worked out great! I always feel so much more satiated when I eat my shakes with a spoon… its probably all in my head…

In an ultimate procrastination mood, I did a few things around the house. I finally decided to call work and see what the unit looked like and was told I would be on the desk. Well, after my mini anxiety about the granola bar, and the recent knowledge that I would be sitting for 8 hours, I decided I needed to feel somewhat accomplished.

Frank found an old picture of his dad and some family friends. The edges were starting to brown and get tattered-looking, so I grabbed the picture and took a little brisk walk, about 1 mile round trip, got a copy and enhancement made, and returned with it framed. He really liked it!

I’m always happy when I can make others smile:)

FYI: August 1st began National Sandwich Month. I’m kicking it off with a left over meatloaf sandwich! Holla! I grabbed the last slice of Honey Mustard Crusted Poultryloaf, threw it on a slice of multigrain with BBQ sauce, and headed to work with my NCLEX book in hand. I must say, the loaf was even better the next day!

As I arrived at work, I stopped by the caf to grab a drink, only to be greated my blueberry pies. Proud that I kept I walking, I came onto my unit to find a pile of temptation in the break room…

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Look away! While at the desk, I could only think of the mini blueberry scone… I cut a little piece off and walked away. Thank God! My plan was to drink lots of fluid and chew gum to keep my mind off the thought of a pastry! I ran to the caf to grab dinner for some busy nurses and grabbed some cucumbers and the like, along with a SF chocolate pudding. I love chocolate pudding with crumbled grahams! So far so good.

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One of the girls had brought peppers and cherry tomatoes in from her garden so I grabbed a few tomatoes to snack on. Finding some salsa, I decided to snack on the peppers. They looked like habeneros…

I guess I was feeling pretty ballsy or that the salsa what act as a coolant, because I bit into that thing like a champ. HOT PEPPER!!! I had to grab a drink and blow my nose… not ssuch a smart decision on my part.

With my good intake for the day, I cut a 1/4 of one of the Devils Food Crumb donuts as a chocolate treat. Damn it, Entenmanns! Why do the crumbs taste so good?!!?

I’m a really crumby person…

I have a problem with crumbs! Like I’ll be that weird person that eats thecrumbs left in the donut box, just so I can feel like I ate a donut…. Despite, still being 500 calories under what I alot myself, I still was having major calorie anxiety!

I wish I could figure out why? Is there something else manifesting itself as calorie anxiety? Am I nervous about the upcoming NCLEX? Is that why I’m not sleeping? What is going on with me?

Refrain Running

Not, refrain from running! Refrain Running. Music is very important to me. In fact, one of my first memories with my dad is him singing (he is a fantastic singer, by the way) and dancing with me. For those of you unfamiliar with the term, a refrain is a part of a song, like the chorus… the part that gets repeated in between the verses…

On my brief, but most needed, run yesterday, I came up with the term “Refrain Running.” I know the right music sets the tone for my workouts. For instance, I have a difficult time running to slower songs, but some up beat songs have an off beat which throws off the sequence of my run. It sounds silly, but its true! Like Thrift Shop by Macklemore and Ryan Lewis.. Ilove that song, it pumps me up, but I have a hard time running to it because the beat makes me want to strut down the street like I’m cool or something. Haha!

Anyway, with this in mind, I noticed that I run during certain parts of songs, and power walk during other parts, creating a great interval routine! Here are some songs I realized work well with this concept:

  • Pitbulll- Hotel Room Service
  • Rooney- When Did Your Heart Go Missing
  • Adam Lambert- If I Had You
  • Ludacris ft. Pharrell– Money Maker

I’ll add to this list as I come across these songs, but its a great way to coordinate intervals into running without using a distance tracker or an app.

Lastly,

WP_003306I have noticed that my hair has gotten so much thicker! And with my new hair growth, new bangs, well, fuller bangs! My mom was a hairdresser so I’m relatively savy on trimming my bangs, so snip, snip, and viola! I Love it!

This lead me to this thought:

With new health, comes new hair! 

Half Moon

I awoke this afternoon to more temptation. I feel like if you have support people, they won’t surround you with your trigger foods. My mom, although I know she cares, is not what I would call the most helpful in this aspect of my life. I woke to a bag of Taco Bell filled with Caramel Apple Empanadas. Every time I confront her about bringing these home, she always says she got me one. I hate that because she knows its a trigger food! Nonetheless, my lunch, which started as a Red Berries Special K bar dipped in Be Well Nutella, ended up in half an empanada down and a heavy chest full of anxiety.

Barry called me at work last night and asked for a lunch date, today, and I gladly accepted since its was to a place I’ve been wanting to go to: Half Moon in Kennett. Barry offered to postpone the date since I had a rough time at work, but I refuse to let these disorders disrupt my life all the time!

WP_003218Half Moon Restaurant and Saloon is a small place in the town of Kennett, about 20 minutes from my house. Barry and I drove past it! Whats nifty about this place is that it specializes in wild game meats. Each day is a different special.

I lucked out when I called the restaurant to find out the specials for today. Kangaroo burgers and Buffalo chili! I’ve had buffalo in the past, but I was most excited about the Kangaroo! Barry has been trying to get me to eat burgers (I’ve really wanted one since I haven’t eaten one in over a year). Kangaroo is the leanest cut of beef Half Moon offers (93 calories, 0.5g fat per 100g). All of the burgers are 6 oz portions, of which Barry and I split. We opted to split the Kangaroo burger, substitute the house made kettle chips for a salad, and split a bowl of the buffalo chili…

When in Rome!

WP_003214We strolled up West State Street and entered and narrow saloon. Greeted by a perky hostess, we were asked if we would like to be seated upstairs in the atrium-like setting or in the main dinning saloon. Since it was a temperate day with a nice breeze, we walked up the stairs to be greeted by another friendly face, Emily, who seated us and attentively served us. She was very patient with us, as I was so indecisive after viewing all of the specials! After questioning the waitress, there was no doubt about it… Chili and Burger special!

First up was Barry’s beer. This place is no joke when it comes to their alcohol. Theres a whole book full if specialty and imported beers and the wines are broken down into white and red, and then by place of origin. Barry tried Hop Devil. I’m not a beer drinker, but this was rather bitter in my opinion. We awaited a delicious salad on spring mix, with cucumbers, shredded carrots, and baby heirloom tomatoes, and side of Greek Goddess dressing. I love that they used heirlooms, since they are in season!

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My girlfriends told me how dry kangaroo meat was and suggested the elk. I’ve had elk and it reminds me a lot of roast beef. I had my heart set on the roo. They don’t cook the burger past medium rare, which is fine for us. I was surprised how moist the burger was, despite being so lean. It wasn’t sweet but it had a more mild flavor than a beef burger, and it was definitely a lot less dense. The burger is served on a kaiser-type bun with lettuce, tomato, purple onion, and a pickle spear. I ate mine topless, while Barry used my spare bun half for chili dipping.

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The Buffalo Chili was topped topped with jack cheese, It was a hearty chili with lots of meat and beans. I could not imagine eating this whole bowl by myself! I would have been stuffed! The tomato base was a mildly sweet and nutty, with a faint heat.

We really enjoyed the atmosphere of the atrium setting. We sat at rustic tables, surrounded by fresh air and potted plants. After chatting with out waitress, we decided we will most definitely be back for the Gator Gumbo! Apparently, its got a nice kick to it!

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We drove out of Kennett and into Hockessin to grab a bit of froyo from Berriyummi. Barry went to chocolate peanut butter heaven. I think it wound up being more like a hell for him in the long run. His chocolate and raspberry froyo was topped with cheesecake pieces, cookie dough, brownie bites, jimmies, peanut butter sauce, blueberries, hot fudge and loads of mashed peanut butter cups. By the end of it all, the peanut butter cups had formed rock sold balls of sweet and salty indulgence. From the little bite I took, I had my fill. I am honestly impressed by Barry’s sweet tooth! I had never seen so much reese in one bowl! I guess this was pretty fitting since its National Fudge Sundae Day.

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Mine was the typical sugar free vanilla with mango, raspberries and sliced almonds, with smidge of cheesecake crust.

After the creamy froyo, I had a hankering for coffee. When Barry and I arrived home, I made a mug of decaf with sugar free chocolate DaVinci syrup. With my sweet tooth in full swing, I remembered my Philly Swirl Sweet Delites. These are perfect size creamsicle bars that are sugar free and only 14 calories a piece! Talk about guilt free desserts!

I am spending the rest of the  night bonding with mom over “A Good Day to Die Hard,” and should be hitting the hay soon.

Happy Almost Friday!