Last night, I cried to my parents. I cried because everything I eat haunts me. It doesn’t matter what I eat… rice cake, vegetables… Honestly, thats all I’ve really eaten the past few days.
I’ve worked night shift the last two nights, and between the two shifts, I managed to eat a ton of raw veggies from the salad bar and 1, yes, one, complete Amy’s frozen meal. In all honesty, 240 calories of vegetables and protein, is good for a frozen entree. Amy’s Black Bean and Cheese Enchilada meal hit the spot. It had a combination of my favorite foods: beans, rice, cheese, and vegetables!
In fact, Frank has been making pilaf dishes all week long and I keep stealing nibbles out of the pot. I feel so guilty when I eat carbs like rice, beans, ans quinoa because I just want to eat it all! I miss it!
I cried to my dad on the phone about how I longed to bite into a sandwich, a burger, something with meat! Again, I barely eat meat because of calories. I snack so much and I’m so insatiable and have so much anxiety, that I just snack. And that’s how I get into calorie trouble.
Whats worse, is that when I get this way, and get in these funks…
I want to eat everything, but I hate myself no matter what I eat.
I isolate myself.
And everyone who tries to help me, even the ones who I ask for their help, become my enemies. Especially my dad. I know they can’t stand this mind game of mine, but I don’t like it either. I don’t want to go through what I went through this time last year. NO WAY!
After work, this morning, I felt like life was on my side. The weather this week has been bitter cold and today was perfect November running weather! Thank you, God! I was pumped. I did some Refrain Running to drop off my rent and then down to Fresh Thymes.
I really love making this part of my Friday routine! Starting my weekend with a run, today was about 2.1 miles, Bananas Foster coffee, and good company in a mellow corner cafe, puts me into a wonderful mindset!
I love buying my dad breakfast from the ladies at Fresh Thyme, too! Today, I ordered dad “The Epitome of Fabulosity with Vegan Sausage.” Dad really enjoyed the vegan sausage, red onion, and garlic and chive Lancaster cheddar on sprouted grain English muffin! I think he really enjoys the corner shop and Friday coffee tradition, as well. I adored the sprouted grain english muffin!
After arriving back home, I headed off to my Vagina Monologue auditions, and followed it up with some strolling on Main Street in Downtown Newark. Being in such a good mood, I asked dad if he wanted to go out for dinner. It was also meant as a bit of a peace offering. Last night, dad and I quarreled, repeatedly, about food.
Dad has had a gift card to Famous Daves for months. And for all of those months, I’ve been putting it off. I didn’t actually wind up eating until about 1230pm, when I surprised dad at work. He had a packet of Cup-A-Soups, which was only 50 calories, and some salsa, which I added to the soup. Even after the soup, I was still hungry!
I used all my self-control to push away the urge to eat anything else, knowing dad, Barry, and I would be eating at Famous Dave’s (not exactly the golden standard for healthy eating).
I planned ahead, and dad was so pleased that we were finally at the restaurant, that he let me order something small and nibble off his and Barry’s meals. Since we had the gift card, dad ordered “Traditional Chicken Wings“ and “Burnt Ends“ as the starter. I had two wings and a few nuggets of meat. We all love trying to out-spice each other with the assortments of sauces!
I ordered a cup of Dave’s Famous Chili and a side of “Firecracker Green Beans” (neither of which were exceptionally noteworthy). Barry ordered “The Manhandler,” which was actually much better sounding than it was. (The Hell-Fire Pickles were pretty darn awesome, though!) Dad, on the other hand, ordered a monster of a burger. I took one bite, and I felt like I could breath. Suddenly, the BBQ sauce on face and the crumbs on the plate, magically took away my anxiety, for those brief moments of burger bliss.
Barry had to leave dinner early for work, and when I returned to my dad, at the table, he told me how proud he was of me. I know I’m a “Daddy’s Girl,” but I do everything and anything to make him happy. It kills me, it physically hurts my heart, when I hurt him. I know that every time I let this eating disorder creep back up and take control, it hurts him.
Seeing him smile at me, taking a picture of me with this mammoth of a burger, feeling this positive energy radiating off my dad… it is an amazing feeling! “Please, babe.. take one more bite…” No, I’m good, dad… “Please? For me…”
I savored every second of this bite, focusing on every flavor and texture of “The Ultimate Brisket Burger”: the crisp and salty jalapeno bacon, the melted sharp American cheese, the juicy beef of the burger melting in my mouth, and the sweet, tangy sauce coating the pulled pork, all between the crumbling corn bread bun.
Oh my gosh… this post sounds like food porn…