In God All Things Are Possible

This is the first post of the new year. Be warned, its a serious one…

Last Sunday was a dark day. I began writing letters to loved ones, making requests, asked for all Christmas presents to be returned and given to those less fortunate…

I was sprawled on my bed, blood dripping from my thigh and arms, bargaining with God to take me to him. You are friends, my confidants, and therefore, I will not and cannot lie to you. I have relapsed. After a series of unfortunate events in my life, I spiraled back into a deep depression. My binging returned, so naturally, the purging did, as well. And while I was at it, so did the cutting. I’ve watched my body gain weight, and no matter how much I thought about working out, or thought about the foods I was eating, nothing gave me the motivation to do anything about it. The feeling of failure from a relapse is unbearable. I didn’t want myself to have a 2015. I didn’t want to have to continue living with this cycle…WP_007508

I woke up from a sound sleep at 3am and suddenly, these lyrics just started running through my head. I couldn’t fall back asleep until I wrote it all down. Now, I’m hiding in a Starbucks, sharing this with you (instead of doing the work I should be doing), hiding from the world, before I need to get to work.

In God All Things Are Possible

By Sammy Bundo

From sound asleep, I awaken

Frantic, Nervous, shaken,

My mind racing a mile a minute

Pumping the brakes, but its in it to in it.

 

Memories of my past mistakes flashing before my eyes

How did I? I could I? How will I survive?

Trembling, ashamed, wanting to cry

This mind fuck is a game, wishing I would die.

 

Take me home, Heavenly Father

I beg of you, please

I’m down here, screaming, crying

Pleading on my knees

 

Swallow another handful to numb myself

Oh God, I’m begging you for your help

This blood I bleed

These scars I see

This pain I feel

Shits getting too real

 

Hearts racing, hearts pounding

All these thoughts, taunting, resounding

Grit my teeth, fists getting tighter

Look out world, ’cause I’m a fighter

 

The good I’ve done

The lives I’ve touched

It must outweigh

This hatred of self

 

I am my enemy

And you are my Savior

With your many blessing, Oh Lord

My faith should never waiver

 

I did it once,

I can do it twice

Can’t hold me down

I’m still alive

 

Dear Disease,

You don’t make me

I make me

And your foolish games

Can only strengthen me

 

The marks on my body

I wear them with pride

They’re not a sign of weakness

They’re proof I survived

That I thrive

That I strive

To carry on

Head held high

 

Watching my world around me crumble

You reached out, Lord, grabbed my hand

Pulled me from the rubble

You’re my rock, my hope

The light of my tunnel

The strength getting me through this struggle.

*Copyright in process

I made this collage of things that make me smile, in hopes it will keep giving me inspiration to carry on and stay focused.

bewell2015

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3 thoughts on “In God All Things Are Possible

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