Without the Blog

Without the blog… my brain feels like a tornado… Swirling around causing misplacement of thoughts, turmoil, destruction of normal thinking… utter destruction of all the progress I have made…

After the events of the last few days, I believe I have found a correlation: blogging and binging. When I don’t blog, my eating habits go down the drain, my sense of control over my life feels missing, and chaos ensues.

I know that after a day or days of little appetite, it is bound to come back and bite me in the butt. The other day, I was asked to work a double and gladly excepted. Things were going great! The shift was going well, my patients were doing well, even my eating was doing well. I packed a delicious salad for dinner.

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For the night shift portion of the evening, I had a packet of miso soup with crackers.

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And then this happened…

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Yeah… the downward spiral happened…

Just sitting around chatting with the girls and snacking away. The indulgent trail mix got me in some trouble. Which of course really got to my head, and gave me a decent belly ache. I decided the smart thing to do would be to purge. I know! Genius, right?!

I guzzled water for the next few hours or work, trying desparatley to fill myself up and flush out my system. The brain starts to think in odd ways when things go arye.

I got home, stressing out and yet I couldn’t stop eating! Why?!

I wound up making a shake, which I figure would fill me up indefinitely and I could walk away. Nope!

I would up purging, again, and completely curling into a ball for the remainder of the day. It was terrible. Throughout the rest of this week, I’ve had times of binging. The other night, I ate until I was in physical pain! Why? I don’t know? I followed this with intense purging.

I continued to question myself. Why, after all this time of success, did I fall? Everyone has days of slips, but this was repetitive.

I honestly believe its because I have not blogged. This blog is my outlet, my sancutuary. It makes me accountable for my actions. I allows me to reflect on my day, and basque in my accomplishments.

Without this blog, I’m lost.

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