Today started off great. I woke up, did a quick workout, made a bowl of sugar free apple cinnamon oatmeal with some sliced apple and headed off to meet the girls to study.
I popped my secret weapon right before the exam…
…and everything was good. I got a B, by the way.)
Then I met up with dad for lunch at Wendy’s and enjoyed a big bowl of chili, and things went down hill. After lunch, I went to my car and downed everything in it.
Whats wrong with me! Why can’t I get a handle on this thing. I tried calling some of my sponsors for help and I couldn’t get reception. Is this a sick joke?! The universe wants me to be unstable and huge!? I mean, literally, in 25 minutes, I inhaled 1200 calories!
And the worst part? I feel nothing. I don’t feel full, I don’t feel sick. All I feel is disgust and shame.
How can I continue to do this to myself? To my body? To my mind? Its just not fair!
I’m so angry! I’m so frustrated. I’m furious and confused! I feel helpless and hopeless!
Over and over! I know better! I feel myself spiraling back into depression. It took so much to get me out of it before. So much that it cause me to have an eating disorder.
Now I’m on the opposite spectrum. Overeating.
It was so easy to be anorexic. I just did not eat. Why is it so hard for me to do that again? Just stop, Sammy!
To make matters worse, I was surround by this for a few hours:
In order to pay for International Convention, we have been hosting the concession stand at the basketball games. I ate a delicious cupcake and brownie! Afterwards, I felt terrible. Not because the food was bad, but because I had already eaten so much!
I should not be beating myself up, but when you see your body changing (some say for the better, I say for the worse), and you feel completely out of control about it… like theres no escape, like theres nothing I can do…
I think what aggravates me the most, and yes, I sound like a broken record, is that I KNOW I can do this! Obviously, I have the will power to do it, because I was anorexic for a year. I just don’t understand why I’m having so much trouble now.
I can go so long, and not eat. But as soon as I take one bite of anything, anytime during the day, a compulsion takes over me. I guess thats why they call it Obsessive Compulsive Disorder.
Every day I start out doing great! 2pm rolls around and its like I’m a mess. I’ve been try really hard to listen to body’s cues of feeling hungry or full. According to my girlfriend, Katie, this is a natural thing she went through also. Its a matter of retraining your body.
Its harder than working out, let me tell you!
I tried to embrace the rest of the day and after the concession stand, I went to my friend 22nd birthday party. I don’t really drink, but it was still nice to finally see , friends that I had isolated myself from the entire time I was anorexic. It was the first night anyone had seen me in almost a year. I ate a slice of pizza from Little Caesars (a delicious tradition).
On the way home, I got the midnight munchies. I decided, rather than tell myself NO, just chose smarter. I bought a container of cantaloupe from the 7-Eleven, and it really hit the spot. I had a few chunks with some cottage cheese once I got home.
I’m thankful I was able to turn my night around.
I look forward to my new start in the morning. Thanks for being there for me! (and remember, I’m here for you, too)