Last week I was telling you about the snow and how cold it was, and yesterday? 66 and humid! Mother Nature is having some serious hot flashes! Today, I left work and it was 31 and flurrying!
Once again on night shift, I went overboard. We had bagels from Panera and I ate my favorite, Cinnamon Crunch bagel! Then when I came home this morning, I ate breakfast, and there was no stopping me! I just kept eating. I enjoyed what I ate, Blueberry bagel thin with non fat cream cheese, OIKOS mango apricot greek yogurt topped with homemade granola, an apple with Planters banana granola PB…
Its amazing! I’ve researched the connection between recovering anorexics and binge eating, and its far too common. The problem is that its not healthy!
And its making me crazy!
Another thing thats really frustrating is that while I’m binging, I’m telling myself to stop. Its like I’m powerless. What is that?!
Tomorrow is the first of the month and I’m starting from scratch. I’d like to fast tomorrow, and begin again on Saturday. I’ve been talking with my girlfriend, Katie, who said that when she was in recovery, she dealt with the same problem.
I return to night shift Thursday night, with every intention of fasting. Luckily, I emailed my dietitian earlier in the day to see what she thought of the fasting idea. With my history of deprivation and now overindulgence, fasting would only set me up further disappointment.
As much as I wanted to burn as many calories as I could, I was put in a 1:1 (this is when a patient is required to have someone with them at all times). At first, I was tweeked because I still was full from binging and wanted to feel like I was being productive.
In actuality, it was kind of a blessing. Once my patient fell asleep, I had time to do some overdue studying, and I was not surrounded by temptation (aka food). When I took my break, I tried to eat comfortably… a NSA fruit cup, grahams and PB, and i snacked on some of my girlfriend’s fries. I also cracked into some Cheerios for some pop-able crunch. This was still more than I planned to eat, but I’m thankful that I was able to say, “Sammy, your full. You can step away.” And I did.
I know the blog has been so binge centered, lately, but for those struggling with eating disorders, its nice to recognize that you’re not alone. Thank you for helping me cope.
While on my assignment, I also came across the following two articles:
You Have to Want it More– I liked this because it was all about the little changes creating a better experience and life
One at a Time– I liked this because she gave me a great idea to try to get my parents involved in healthy living, and also acknowledging that we are not powerless, we control our lifestyles.
You know what? And this article in too! Secret Eating… Guilty.
I know I’m not alone, even if at times I feel I am. I know I can control my outcomes, even though at times I feel powerless. I’ve trekked up the hill of better living and joyously celebrated on top. I danced on top, tripped over my own feet, and tumbled down. Just like last time, I can hike back up.
I’ll see you at the top.